4 months later, I finally got the conversation I wanted which would have spared me months of agony had it come at the right time. What I learnt is, he’s being really selfish and there is no future there.
Some people say closure is a myth. That it gives you more questions than answers. Some people say never chase the disappearing man.
I say they should own up to what they do.
And closure works for me.
When I got closure from Erik, I was fucking pissed off and happy to have him completely out of my life. That talk moved me along right away.
Closure from this guy though, feels a bit murky. The good part is I am sure now there is no future with him as a partner. I don’t like him that way anymore. He is showing some really shitty behaviour.
The bad part is I somehow want him to want to talk to me still, as a friend kinda. Why do I still want him to like me? Is it because the power to not-be-friends has gone away from my control?
This one is a tough one. Because I was sure we got on so great that we’d never be strangers. But maybe the more intense the feelings the less possible it is to be friends?
Expectations versus reality. Its a hard one. Particularly when u try to tread carefully and that person has convinced you you can trust them and drawn you inner and inner towards them. Then they fuck up and leave you hanging. That’s where I got stabbed.
While it helped to talk to the fucking person fucking you up, it was amazing to hear that he distorted some realities. I know some things are perception. And some things that meant a lot to me might not have meant too much to him.
However, he is even distorting facts. And that is WOW. New. I know men can shut down when feelings are inconvenient, or let practicality take over completely. But this is a whole other level.
I said, you invited me to stay a week with you. He said, well we were going to hangout over the weekend not stay the whole week. WTF? He’s convinced himself that I stayed a whole week uninvited? THAT MAKES ME SO MAD!
Before you think I’m seeing through some girly-tinted glasses, allow me. First of all, there was 2 bank holidays so we had a 4-day long weekend. He asked me what I was going to do over the 4 days. I said I’m probably going to book a staycation. That is, check in to a local hotel and pamper myself and maybe have the girls over to chill in a nice hotel. He then said he was in a hotel and I should stay with him. That’s weird I said, to stay in someone’s hotel while they are out at work and then leave when they come back. He said no, of course I mean stay there when I’m there too in the evenings. I did not say yes immediately.
Secondly, he asked me to pack my bags and stay with him from a Wednesday night. How is that a weekend? By any measure.
And what do you mean “hang out” when you ask me to pack my back and stay with you?
Lastly he would have thrown me out. If i had overstayed. If he didnt like me much. Instead, when we were packing to check out he said Its nice to have someone. I didnt throw you out right.
So. Now. He reduced everything to him wanting a casual thing and that I’d escalated everything and stayed too long. Fuck that shit. I would never fucking ever ever ever do that. It is REALLY bad form to turn this around and make it my fault.
I reminded him that i was only there because he wanted me there. And that I’d asked him, do you want me to give you an hour or two to yourself so you have your space to relax after coming back from work? He said dont be silly. And despite this being my holiday off work, I offered to stay in one night, and just go for massage another night, because I understood he was working and so big nights out was not ideal. That’s all the consideration I gave him. When he said I’m going for dinner with the boss and gym in the morning. I said okay and did my own thing.
Now he’s putting it on me?
Retrospect meter: I am proud of how I handled myself and I did everything right. He is being a shit now.
The Ex Factor
He said he couldnt pin it down to anything exact except his gut and that said he didnt want to pursue a relationship. So I was right that he didnt WANT to THINK about it.
Anyway, I thought 2 main things were in the way. 1) distance. Not practical so he shut down. 2) he was not over the ex.
This of course is not something he wants to think about or feel or admit. But he left me wondering for 4 months so I asked. And he doesnt even fucking remember telling me about his ex gf. That that was 2 months ago she left him without warning and it surprised him because he thought they got along really well. (ironic that he then did the same to me)
In fact he got defensive. He thought someone else told me. He said he didnt talk about her. He was almost angry that I knew abt her. And I said uh, YOU told me. And you wanted to cry on my shoulder about it but I brushed it off and didn’t want to know the story because I’M the girl you’re seeing. I’m not a friendly shoulder to cry on about your ex.
Also, one of the outstanding moments for me was when he said I can see something is on your mind be honest and tell me. Straight up. I told him it wasnt nice that he’d brought up the ex gf while we were being intimate. He said he didnt realise he did that and thats terrible. Sorry.
But he doesnt even remember telling me about her. Thats kind of a huge thing.
So this underscores that he isnt over her.
Retrospect meter: I did great. I also recognised the red flag and I addressed it. He fucked up.
So what the fuck? He has forgotten and rewritten whole chunks of what happened. I’ve dated guys before who were passing through and it was quite quick to forget them. The one left behind always takes longer to forget but it doesn’t HURT. This was not like that.
It could be this is his coping mechanism. First he sabotaged the rship. Then he convinced himself I was lousy and didnt display any great qualities, even if that meant distorting what happened. Some pple can do that to believe it was a right choice to leave the person.
Or it could be he is just a royal arsehole.
Actually, either way he is behaving like an asshole. But I guess im just trying to understand how someone who liked u so much can turn around n not care about u the next moment.
I thought he might have some. Like the first time he fucked up and thought it would be better to leave me alone because he’d been an asshole.
However he doesnt.
He has repainted me as not evoking much feelings from him and concentrating on what I did wrong. Anything I did wrong, I did AFTER he went cold turkey on me.
Retrospect meter: I understand his negative view of me in association to me reaching out when he was ignoring me. Doesnt change the fact that I needed to do it, but i can accept that i dont look great and he can be angry at that if he wants.
He is angry about that. But he doesnt recognise at all what I have to be angry about. That he drove me to it. I just wanted a conversation at the right time but he refused. Which is hard to stomach when the last thing someone said is they like u back and want to discuss a rship. Then they dont discuss but just decide and go away.
Overall, where he is now, how he is now, is not the wonderful guy I wanted to be with. That guy was open and honest and mature and communicative and expressed his feelings for me. This guy is defensive shutdown selfish dishonest and has no respect for my feelings and personhood. It’s all abut him on his terms and his time. Its easier to say im crazy and unreasonable.
We left off on a fairly friendly note. But there was nothing impressive abt how he dealt witht this.
Its a pity. We really had a great time.