Still Not Over It

I approached him with so much balance. It was an important time in my life. And he was a significant person in my life – not because of how long he’d been in it but how wonderful he was. For me, with me. And how excited he was about me.

And then he turned around, left and between the silence and the selfish words, a part of me is unfairly convinced that I’m not worth it.

I didn’t cry. I even held off anger.

But when I cried, months and months later, it was a hell of a cry, followed by a lot more crying. This was real sadness. Real pain.

My confidence is broken. I was embarassed about that and struggling with how stupid I was for being so broken about a guy I went out with for a few weeks. I’m over that now and allow myself.

But the pain remains. I think of it less and less. But in the moments when I feel it, the tears still come. My confidence still broken, my doubts mounting, my fear of not finding a loving genuine partner growing.

I doubt. I’m hurt. I’m scared.

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Not So Independent Woman

I’m still getting over it. The heartache. The disappointment. I’ve gone through a few different waves, and I’m definitely doing way better, but I guess the significance of what happened has left a heavy feeling. I decided to try talking to a professional. It was just the first therapy session but it felt good.

The main thing she left me with is already quite interesting — don’t be so hard on yourself. Somehow, because she’s an expert I guess, it helped me listen to that feedback. She said, it’s only been months since it happened, it’s normal what you’re going through. The next time you feel that emotion, that sadness, stop beating yourself up. Just accept that feeling and carry on to the next task of the day .

It’s true I feel stupid for still feeling this way. Especially when it seems not to matter to him at all.

I don’t wonder so much anymore about the why. I imagine our paths crossing once again in future. Where he would want me and I wouldn’t want him. Where I could be cold.

In the doctor’s office, I cried. And I told her that it bothers me that I cry as much as I do. That it’s the first time in my life I’m scared to date.

All the unproductive dating experiences, I’ve never been afraid of trying again. Of the next guy. So it wasn’t trust issues or big baggage. Maybe I was more careful, or more self-conscious. But always optimistic. I’d meet someone and I’d be positive. But after this one, I’m afraid of what happens when I connect to someone at this level again. Can he turn around and tell me he doesn’t care too?

It was in the session that I realised I’d stopped writing. I think becaus eI think about it enough I didn’t want to sit down and process it into words. Also it was all getting so negative. I want to be happy.

I decided to go for this session because I realised I was spending more weekends at home. Inside. Alone. All those clubs I joined to meet people? I don’t feel like going. I also had 2 tinder guys ask me out and I stopped talking.

So… I want to be with someone. But I don’t want to go out with anyone. Apparently.

I’m going back to my crafts and art and scrapbooking and tv. And not exercising. And eating anything I want. And procrastinating a lot. And worrying what it means to be 29, single, and with low odds of meeting someone interesting if I carry on my regular way of life but not feeling brave enough to try anything new alone. So I’m putting less effort into getting out there and more resignation that my best doesn’t get me good results so why bother.

That’s why I went for the session. I am still young. I have to be the best version of me. And if I have to talk to someone to help me with it, I’ll do it.

T

To The Women Whose Lives Are Not Love Stories

Just what I needed.

Thought Catalog

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Here’s to the women whose lives are not love stories. To those who never expected to find happily-ever-after on their wedding day or the moment their eyes locked with somebody else’s across a crowded café. To the girls who grew up measuring success based on what they achieved for themselves – what they worked through, what they accomplished and what they did not let diminish them along the way.

“Here’s to the damsels who pulled themselves out of distress and to the heroines who didn’t wait around to be saved.”

Here is to women who grew up searching for the dreams that they wanted to realize and the people they wanted to become, not just the man who would sweep them away from the tragedy of their mundane existence. To the women who hoped that their lives would be thrillers, adventure novels, comedies and occasionally pornos but never predominantly…

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Closure. Aka realising he’s a dickhead.

4 months later, I finally got the conversation I wanted which would have spared me months of agony had it come at the right time. What I learnt is, he’s being really selfish and there is no future there.

Some people say closure is a myth. That it gives you more questions than answers. Some people say never chase the disappearing man.

I say they should own up to what they do.

And closure works for me.

When I got closure from Erik, I was fucking pissed off and happy to have him completely out of my life. That talk moved me along right away.

Closure from this guy though, feels a bit murky. The good part is I am sure now there is no future with him as a partner. I don’t like him that way anymore. He is showing some really shitty behaviour.

The bad part is I somehow want him to want to talk to me still, as a friend kinda.  Why do I still want him to like me? Is it because the power to not-be-friends has gone away from my control?

This one is a tough one. Because I was sure we got on so great that we’d never be strangers. But maybe the more intense the feelings the less possible it is to be friends?

Expectations versus reality. Its a hard one. Particularly when u try to tread carefully and that person has convinced you you can trust them and drawn you inner and inner towards them. Then they fuck up and leave you hanging. That’s where I got stabbed.

While it helped to talk to the fucking person fucking you up, it was amazing to hear that he distorted some realities. I know some things are perception. And some things that meant a lot to me might not have meant too much to him.

However, he is even distorting facts. And that is WOW. New. I know men can shut down when feelings are inconvenient, or let practicality take over completely. But this is a whole other level.

One week

I said, you invited me to stay a week with you. He said, well we were going to hangout over the weekend not stay the whole week. WTF? He’s convinced himself that I stayed a whole week uninvited? THAT MAKES ME SO MAD!

Before you think I’m seeing through some girly-tinted glasses, allow me. First of all, there was 2 bank holidays so we had a 4-day long weekend. He asked me what I was going to do over the 4 days. I said I’m probably going to book a staycation. That is, check in to a local hotel and pamper myself and maybe have the girls over to chill in a nice hotel. He then said he was in a hotel and I should stay with him. That’s weird I said, to stay in someone’s hotel while they are out at work and then leave when they come back. He said no, of course I mean stay there when I’m there too in the evenings. I did not say yes immediately.

Secondly, he asked me to pack my bags and stay with him from a Wednesday night. How is that a weekend? By any measure.

And what do you mean “hang out” when you ask me to pack my back and stay with you?

Lastly he would have thrown me out. If i had overstayed. If he didnt like me much. Instead, when we were packing to check out he said Its nice to have someone. I didnt throw you out right.

So. Now. He reduced everything to him wanting a casual thing and that I’d escalated everything and stayed too long. Fuck that shit. I would never fucking ever ever ever do that. It is REALLY bad form to turn this around and make it my fault.

I reminded him that i was only there because he wanted me there. And that I’d asked him, do you want me to give you an hour or two to yourself so you have your space to relax after coming back from work? He said dont be silly. And despite this being my holiday off work, I offered to stay in one night, and just go for massage another night, because I understood he was working and so big nights out was not ideal. That’s all the consideration I gave him. When he said I’m going for dinner with the boss and gym in the morning. I said okay and did my own thing.

Now he’s putting it on me?

Retrospect meter: I am proud of how I handled myself and I did everything right. He is being a shit now.

The Ex Factor

He said he couldnt pin it down to anything exact except his gut and that said he didnt want to pursue a relationship. So I was right that he didnt WANT  to THINK about it.

Anyway, I thought 2 main things were in the way. 1) distance. Not practical so he shut down. 2) he was not over the ex.

This of course is not something he wants to think about or feel or admit. But he left me wondering for 4 months so I asked. And he doesnt even fucking remember telling me about his ex gf. That that was 2 months ago she left him without warning and it surprised him because he thought they got along really well. (ironic that he then did the same to me)

In fact he got defensive. He thought someone else told me. He said he didnt talk about her. He was almost angry that I knew abt her. And I said uh, YOU told me. And you wanted to cry on my shoulder about it but I brushed it off and didn’t want to know the story because I’M the girl you’re seeing. I’m not a friendly shoulder to cry on about your ex.

Also, one of the outstanding moments for me was when he said I can see something is on your mind be honest and tell me. Straight up. I told him it wasnt nice that he’d brought up the ex gf while we were being intimate. He said he didnt realise he did that and thats terrible. Sorry.

But he doesnt even remember telling me about her. Thats kind of a huge thing.

So this underscores that he isnt over her.

Retrospect meter: I did great. I also recognised the red flag and I addressed it. He fucked up. 

Memory Eraser

So what the fuck? He has forgotten and rewritten whole chunks of what happened. I’ve dated guys before who were passing through and it was quite quick to forget them. The one left behind always takes longer to forget but it doesn’t HURT. This was not like that.

It could be this is his coping mechanism. First he sabotaged the rship. Then he convinced himself I was lousy and didnt display any great qualities, even if that meant distorting what happened. Some pple can do that to believe it was a right choice to leave the person.

Or it could be he is just a royal arsehole.

Actually, either way he is behaving like an asshole. But I guess im just trying to understand how someone who liked u so much can turn around n not care about u the next moment.

Guilt

I thought he might have some. Like the first time he fucked up and thought it would be better to leave me alone because he’d been an asshole.

However he doesnt.

He has repainted me as not evoking much feelings from him and concentrating on what I did wrong. Anything I did wrong, I did AFTER he went cold turkey on me.

Retrospect meter:  I understand his negative view of me in association to me reaching out when he was ignoring me. Doesnt change the fact that I needed to do it, but i can accept that i dont look great and he can be angry at that if he wants. 

He is angry about that. But he doesnt recognise at all what I have to be angry about. That he drove me to it. I just wanted a conversation at the right time but he refused. Which is hard to stomach when the last thing someone said is they like u back and want to discuss a rship. Then they dont discuss but just decide and go away.

Overall, where he is now, how he is now, is not the wonderful guy I wanted to be with. That guy was open and honest and mature and communicative and expressed his feelings for me. This guy is defensive shutdown selfish dishonest and has no respect for my feelings and personhood. It’s all abut him on his terms and his time. Its easier to say im crazy and unreasonable.

We left off on a fairly friendly note. But there was nothing impressive abt how he dealt witht this.

Its a pity. We really had a great time.

Single Girls get to check out all the Cute Guys

Went out this weekend. On Friday, the guy I thought was hottest in the room chose to dance with me. On Saturday, so much fun at a friend’s bbq and a cute guy paid a little extra attention to me. The up side of being single!

It’s been a really good week actually. Spending some time with friends who are fun professionals, people more alike work wise, and being open about Vday Guy, has given me good support but also positive affirmation about myself and my life choices. Just enjoying their company, having more in common, and just people who understand you and inspire you to better things. Plus, romantic hardships happen to everyone. It’s not a sign that you’re worth less or anything like that.

That said, Vday GUy deleted me last week. 2 months since I last wrote him. WHY now? It was our last mode of contact. It really hurt me. I thought I was doing good in carrying on, sharing pictures of me happy in my life despite everything that happened, but still leaving doors of communication open to him. So I thought he’d chat when he got over it and saw there’s lss pressure. But no. Delete. I can’t believe, after how great we got along he would just delete me out of his life. I suppose it has more to do with him than me and I shouldnt take it personal but it sure feels personal.

Anyway, in the spirit of being positive, that cute guy may have some potential. Or maybe not but yesterday was nice itself. I’ve seen him around the office a few times. He hangs out with this guy and I think of them as the guys who would only have very hot girlfriends and lots and lots of fun. So I don’t expect attention.

But when I walked in the party, it was the first time we were meeting but he gave me a big hug and welcome. Here and there I would find him by my side, he did put his arm around my waist, I gave him a few compliments as he taught me how to mix a cocktail. He was cute. And funny. But he didn’t know I work in the same office, that might make things less open actually. But no overthinking! Just saying it was nice to have a boy kinda like me. Particularly when he’s cute and funny.

And the guy the other night I know nothing about except he’s Scottish, has a hot Maori tattoo. I reckon he noticed me because I dance like I enjoy dancing – not sexy dancing to pick up. And he danced like he enjoyed dancing – not prowling to slip up behind a girl. A good dancer of course attracts me even more. He eased in to dancing with me and it was fun fun fun. Unfortunately the night took him elsewhere so that’s it. But it was nice to feel attractive. By a hottie, no less.

x

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Girl, You’re Great and Don’t You Forget It

I reconnected with an old friend via Facebook, a guy I knew when I was in my early 20s and really a wide-eyed girl. It was a surprise to find each other and we genuinely lovely having a catch up chat. Then, he was so forthcoming with the compliments, It put a smile on my face. Someone who knows me and thinks I’m the absolute bees knees.

We used to talk long distance all the time. Young and fun and almost formative. Naturally one of the first questions was, do you have a good man?

No, I don’t.

Why the hell not?

A few cheeky jokes aside, I lamented that so many people just “want to have fun”, and that I had my first real dose of “‘you’re too smart for me’ / man feeling insecure that I’m a cool cat that he runs away”. To which he said, “I’m surprised you haven’t intimidated more men, you’re smart and hot, tends to make guys nervous”.

That surprised me, but was very sweet. I’m not like lawyer/doctor/director smart. And I’m not model hot. I don’t have any kind of in-your-face thing. To hear that that can be intimidating is just odd. I don’t often think of men as insecure like that. I try to be the best woman I can be and I always thought men don’t want the prissy fussy girl. They much prefer the girl who can laugh with them, hold her own, leave men to do their men thing and appreciate their manly affections. But what I’m hearing is that if a man hasn’t got his shit together, the great girl doesn’t have a place in his life because HE isn’t ready. He needs someone a bit broken. Else he feels he isn’t worthy of her.

SOUNDS like a bunch of croc to me but apparently it’s real.

It was really nice tho to reconnect with this guy. He knows what I’m like. He explained that he definitely has pushed away girls that he likes because he had his own issues and fears, and anything beyond 3 weeks means he has to open up and be vulnerable and he didn’t want that. He regrets some, he says. And really likes one in particular but of course she has moved on and he has to respect that. Pah. I think men always know what they’re doing but clearly they don’t.

It was nice to hear that he always fancied me. We were always far away so it’s no loss or anything. He said I was hot but never believed him when he said. And he was always excited when I popped up online. And obviously we really like talking to each other. Grown up much since then.

It’s a nice reminder. My ego and self-image has taken a bit of a beating lately. To have someone who knows me as I am, tell me that he thinks I am far more awesome than I realise, to show me I have a great feminine energy and not to worry, it’s a nice message that warms my heart.

I am well on my way to moving on now. Closer to isolating that the bad ending was his doing and his issues. Not a reflection of me. Nor does it negate how good a time we had. And I shouldn’t let it make me feel like I’m not enough.

Getting Over Him

Ups and downs but i’m getting there. I’ve been reading lots n staying social

i made some new friends. I think at the right time. Firstly they understand me without babying me. Secondly, these are smart beautiful women. Like doctor smart. But not hardened women, still really fun and down to earth. Around my age so we relate.

In a moment where ive been wondering if men value the superficial over the interesting, when ive been actually considering playing down my gd qualities n just being hotter n airy fairy, ive met the girls who show me authenticiy and the kind of woman i wanna be. And pride in that. And hope in men.

Im still pretty hurt n mind on it all the time. But making progress today. He wasnt ready n it doesnt matter how awesome i was . Maybe i valued him more than he did me. And thats ok. I was soft n loving. I didnt just bend to his will. He failed to step up. I still care but he cares more abt protecting his own feeling s. He may not think abt me again. He might come back again. Whatever it is, it was real and i wont feel stupid anymore for feeling.

Insecurites All Come to Surface

I was just watching a chick flick and was reminded about the girly insecurities. And it makes me nervous that they didn’t bother me that much when I was young, which is when it drives most girls to crazy things, these insecurities are developing and coming to the forefront now. In my 20s.

I didn’t figure myself for someone who would be worried about getting married or starting a family by a certain age. But I am definitely starting to stress out about it. Moreso because it feels lonely not to have someone love and support you. And I didn’t think I’d have no one.

I can’t believe how much time I spend thinking about being single and how to ‘fix’ it.

So I find myself a bit sad and missing the guy before. We hit it off. I was so happy. It’s still hard to believe its over. That someone who cares about you can turn around and walk the other way in an instant.

It makes me doubt my instincts. Makes it hard for me to trust guys. And I’ve found myself wondering all the negatives – is it because I’m too fat now? Is it bad that I’m witty and dorky? Did he mean it when he said I was too smart? Was I too available? Did I not show enough affection and flattery? Or did I do it too much?

It takes a while to see its not me.

But I will admit that I feel like I’m not enough. Definitely on the weight front.

I’ve started putting more effort into make up and dresses. I used to wear more edgy clothes and now I wonder if I’ve gotten too predictable with it? I I thought my job was cool and I like to keep up with their interesting conversations. BUt now maybe the girls who play dumb are on to something. I always avoided hissy fits and drama queen stuff or being too affectionate. But now I’m thinking I need to play more into the girl thing.

And I’m confused if I’m being silly to think this, or if in fact I’m trying what works better?

Ugh. What is all this.

I am clueless as to how to even find a date. These Tinder guys stand you up and treat you like meat. I don’t need that. So what else do I need to do?

I don’t feel good. And its not easy to talk about.

And why I always seem to meet great guys at the wrong time.

Back from Australia – Great Trip but Going Solo Was Hard

Putting on the big girl pants has been the theme of my life in the past 6 months. Learning to treat dates more casually was one. Learning to do less to please them and paying more attention instead on whether they’re the right partner for me. Being proactive in making new friends. Being careful with the new guy. Speaking up to get answers when I have questions.

He may have prompted the idea of Australia, but I only decided it was doable because it fit my life picture. I learnt better than to really trust someone to be there when they say they will. And done with being too polite to ever doubt their word. Unfortunately he decided to act like a child and bailed.

I went anyway. My friends insisted I tell him I was there. So 2 days in, I told him. He read the message and said nothing.

I went on and did my thing. I didn’t count on him to show up. I had plenty I wanted to see and do there so there was never a dull moment to be honest. I was pretty exhausted trying to fit everything in. And good fun.

But it got heavy. I’ve travelled solo before but this was hard. I kept pushing thoughts of him or any sadness to the back of my mind – but it was there. About a week in, I let it come forward. And I cried. I cried so hard that the next day I was all puffy eyed and tired that I preferred to stay in.

You see, I was in this beautiful place. I bought trainers and went on rugged walks and saw beautiful beaches and had amazing meals and stayed in the best hotels I’ve ever stayed at.

And I didn’t have anyone to share it with. I also really wanted to share it with HIM. HE’d motivated me to get up and get fit. He’d inspired me to go be outdoorsy like I’d always wanted. And I was in a beautiful city I’d always wanted to see, and he was there in the same city. I wanted him to show me his world.

I was okay to see it myself. But when you’re seeing beautiful sunsets, and climbing rocks and need a man’s hand to help you down and shine a torch, when you’re in a 5-star hotel in a bed big enough to fit a family…. it gets terribly heavy to know he won’t even answer your fucking text.

It was hard.

I put less effort into tinder than I thought I would. And I even got ditched by my date at the fucking Opera House. You know, one of those big things on your travellers checklist? Fucker “went to the bathroom” and didn’t come back. He may not have been important. But it underlines how selfish people can be – which gets me very down. And it can really make you feel unwanted and unattractive.

What do I want with going on dates with 20 douchebags? I’m 28. I’m kinda done with that kind of nonsense.

It was nice to meet someone who really was on my wavelength. We coulda been great. BUt when you find that and be careful anyway, but the person can still walk away and the most unexpected moment? It’s hard. It’s personal and it cuts deep. Next to that, it does make you doubt your own emotions and how the next person is gonna be different.

I still dont understand how someone can turn away like that.

But I did really go for it this trip and did lots of wonderful things. I just have to get to that point now where I stop posting shit on FB to prove to him how awesome I am.

As it turns out, he was out of the country the entire time I was there. I take that as one big “not meant to be”. It would have been nicer to find out at the start of my trip rather than on the 2nd last day. Makes a big difference. BUt I didn’t sit on my ass – I adventured.

At the end of the day, I know how I did my fucking best. I gotta leave it. 

Open admissions? At this point I still harbour hope he will pick up the phone and call me sometime. He can’t be THIS much of an asshole that he doesn’t care. I think he’s scared of emotions and running and a lot to do with wanting to concentrate on work and girls are difficult and not over the ex. But all that doesnt matter if you don’t treat me with respect. I’m understanding but respect is the basics.

So I need to get to the point where i genuinely dont care anymore. About what he thinks or anything.

He didn’t treat me good and I gotta keep going. It’s hard to see that there’ll be someone else I can connect with this well. It ain’t easy. And especially not in my home city — I’ve given dating here a good chance for the last what, 16 years? And nothing great has come out of it – no one local. Maybe its time to move.

Why Do Men Run Away From Feelings When They Like a Girl?

In my attempt to find answers, I’ve found that it’s not uncommon for men to ‘do a houdini’ when things are going great. Some people think its acceptable, others say absolutely not. But I found this one forum that seems to go into detail in a situation very very similar to mine. Helps me make sense of it but there’s no real solution. I’ll share some of what was said there, and highlight some of the replies. (Read the full thread here)


Original Poster: The scenario: A guy who has previously been in LTR meets a new girl. He goes out with her and suddenly he starts to feel intense emotions. He hasn’t felt this for a while and/or never (app. a year; other girls he previously dated didn’t invoke anything remotely close to these feelings). He realizes that when he’s with her he “can’t control himself.” This bugs him. Instead of pursuing the relationship further, he decides to back off (the feelings he has for the girl are the same ones she has for him) by stating to her that their relationship “freaks him out.” He goes home. Sits and complains to his buddies.
So, why on earth does this happen?! If your feelings are reciprocated, why do you run away from them? Is it the fact that it seems unbelievable to fall for someone so quickly so you just assume it’s not going to work? Or what is the deal? I’m going to share my friends’ (both male and female) opinions when I hear your opinions on this.

Reply 1: He’s probably been burned before when he lost control with these feelings. Last time he went all in the girl might have bailed on him. Women sometimes bail when the man isnt an emotional challenge and he might be afraid it will happen again if he doesnt control it.

Reply 2: If he’s emotionally stable, women can burn him 1000 times and he’ll process the emotions the same way, one which is healthy for him. The first rule of emotional discourse is…. you can’t control anyone but yourself. Processing one’s own emotions in an unhealthy manner is far worse IMO than potentially getting ‘burned’. Take the risk, be yourself, get burned (if that is the path) and move on.

Here, he ‘burned’ himself. Vicious circle, IMO.

Original POster:

Then he said how he feels like he’s leading her on and by telling her how he truly feels, it would have led her on (this was the comment which made me look at him weirdly because it didn’t make sense). So I asked him “You’re leading her on? So you have no feelings for her?” and he said “No. I have feelings for her. But if I said everything I was thinking, how can I guarantee that that will be the case?! Like I want to tell her that I will never leave her and that it has never crossed my mind… that I see huge potential in her and that she’s my check-list girl…. but how can I guarantee that nothing will happen between us?!”

Original Poster: So I’m assuming there’s no way to make him smarten up?

Reply: Do both of them a favour and stay out of it. When you push someone out of their comfort zone, it doesn’t matter if they’re perfect for each other. A guy like that will freak at any given opportunity so let him be comfortable in his hidey hole. It’s not worth it for the girl to have to pay the price for his fear.

Reply: Not really. He has to be open to giving his heart in order to get into a relationship where he allows himself to feel everything he’s feeling, and he’s clearly not ready for that. He may end up kicking himself when he realizes girls like her don’t come along too often and he sure blew it, but people usually have to learn those lessons for themselves. There isn’t anything you can really do.

Reply:

I can relate to your friend. I have been burned and had my heart destroyed in the past when I lost control. Since then I’ve changed a lot and have become more aware of my emotions. I think that if I was in a similar situation I would try to take a step back. I don’t think I would completely run away from the relationship but instead try to limit the interaction and keep myself busy in the hopes that the idea of her wouldn’t consume my thoughts and keep a little better control of my emotions. Maybe that could help him.
Original Poster: So far, the thoughts of her have been consuming him. For the past couple of days at least he’s been out of it and that’s why the conversation ensued yesterday. But he’s never told her he misses her, because he claims that he doesn’t miss anyone really (hard to believe again).

I think he’s come to a realization after the talk that he will lose her (if he continues being dumb about this). The thing that bugs me the most though is the fact that he wants a relationship. So, if you want a relationship, then why didn’t you prepare for whatever you were going to feel? Don’t you all go through a stage right before a relationship where you put your feelings in order?!

Babydafa: That’s exactly what he needs to realize. He keeps saying “well in my previous experiences that didn’t go too well” or “if I do that, just like in my past, I’ll get hurt again”. Some of our friends have told him that he’s a coward and that he’s being a little irrational at this point in time.

I’m just sad to see that a good relationship will go to waste because of his stupidity. I can’t tell from the outside how good their relationship is, but from everything I saw and he has told me, it was a very non-dramatic, natural type of relationship. They never yelled at each other and were truly compatible in many different things. You don’t let go of these things (IMO) because it’s rare you meet someone who is so compatible to you. But that’s just my opinion. If he wants to go out and date other girls, and truly get burned, then he can go ahead. I wonder if he’ll give her a call today. It’s been almost a 3 weeks since the last time they talked. Pfft.

Original Poster: He goes out with this new girl hoping to fill in the loneliness he was feeling (assuming he was feeling it) and he realizes that he can’t not care about her. He starts to feel things he didn’t feel before. He decides to continue in this relationship and after 3 weeks realizes he’s falling for her hard. In his brain though falling so soon, so fast is not a good idea. He tries to take some control over his emotions, but he realizes that he can’t when he’s with her. He keeps falling for her and he can’t stop it. Then after a month and a bit he thinks to himself that he’s blinded by irrational thoughts/feelings, doesn’t believe he’s in love, thinks he’s leading her on, starts to panic, feels guilty and decides to tell her that he can’t do this. However, he’s already in love with her (except he doesn’t realize this and is clouded by his past relationship which was horrible).
Reply:

The last time he gave into his true feelings and gave his all to a woman she hurt him so why should he do it again? This is how he is thinking right now.
Original Poster (And I relate to this):

He is taking a risk with this. He said if it’s destined to be then it will be but he needs to resolve some of the issues that keep popping from the past. He is friends with this girl (for now) and they both agreed on this.

I don’t believe in compatibility and I don’t believe that 2 people are destined together. In actuality, I believe anyone can be with anyone as long as you meet in the middle. However, the type of connection he has with this girl ran way deeper than anything his friends or I have experienced. When we saw them together, our jaws literally dropped because we didn’t believe a word he was saying about her/them, until we actually met her and were like “wtf…” He clearly stated today that she’s his “check-list girl” but that he needs to get his life in order before he can make their relationship work. I believe he does as well… So they’re taking a “break” on mutual agreement.

My Comment: This could apply to Vday Guy. But I know that for me, Vday Guy was kind of a check list guy. 
I do have his experiences actually. I just don’t understand male’s perspective on this because women deal with it differently. I came out of a very ****ty and abusive relationship as well and I base some of my decisions on my past, but if a guy walked into my life (which happened), I wouldn’t be scared to take a risk. I got burned plenty of times before and yes, I was scared to take a chance at the beginning, but after a couple of months, I decided that playing safe is not the way to go. (Again, how I feel but I am guessing men dont work the same. Emotions freak them out. ) So that’s my perspective on this. If it was me, I would have stuck through this relationship and worked on myself – hell, maybe she would have been even able to help. Oh well… We’ll see what happens.