Closure. Aka realising he’s a dickhead.

4 months later, I finally got the conversation I wanted which would have spared me months of agony had it come at the right time. What I learnt is, he’s being really selfish and there is no future there.

Some people say closure is a myth. That it gives you more questions than answers. Some people say never chase the disappearing man.

I say they should own up to what they do.

And closure works for me.

When I got closure from Erik, I was fucking pissed off and happy to have him completely out of my life. That talk moved me along right away.

Closure from this guy though, feels a bit murky. The good part is I am sure now there is no future with him as a partner. I don’t like him that way anymore. He is showing some really shitty behaviour.

The bad part is I somehow want him to want to talk to me still, as a friend kinda.  Why do I still want him to like me? Is it because the power to not-be-friends has gone away from my control?

This one is a tough one. Because I was sure we got on so great that we’d never be strangers. But maybe the more intense the feelings the less possible it is to be friends?

Expectations versus reality. Its a hard one. Particularly when u try to tread carefully and that person has convinced you you can trust them and drawn you inner and inner towards them. Then they fuck up and leave you hanging. That’s where I got stabbed.

While it helped to talk to the fucking person fucking you up, it was amazing to hear that he distorted some realities. I know some things are perception. And some things that meant a lot to me might not have meant too much to him.

However, he is even distorting facts. And that is WOW. New. I know men can shut down when feelings are inconvenient, or let practicality take over completely. But this is a whole other level.

One week

I said, you invited me to stay a week with you. He said, well we were going to hangout over the weekend not stay the whole week. WTF? He’s convinced himself that I stayed a whole week uninvited? THAT MAKES ME SO MAD!

Before you think I’m seeing through some girly-tinted glasses, allow me. First of all, there was 2 bank holidays so we had a 4-day long weekend. He asked me what I was going to do over the 4 days. I said I’m probably going to book a staycation. That is, check in to a local hotel and pamper myself and maybe have the girls over to chill in a nice hotel. He then said he was in a hotel and I should stay with him. That’s weird I said, to stay in someone’s hotel while they are out at work and then leave when they come back. He said no, of course I mean stay there when I’m there too in the evenings. I did not say yes immediately.

Secondly, he asked me to pack my bags and stay with him from a Wednesday night. How is that a weekend? By any measure.

And what do you mean “hang out” when you ask me to pack my back and stay with you?

Lastly he would have thrown me out. If i had overstayed. If he didnt like me much. Instead, when we were packing to check out he said Its nice to have someone. I didnt throw you out right.

So. Now. He reduced everything to him wanting a casual thing and that I’d escalated everything and stayed too long. Fuck that shit. I would never fucking ever ever ever do that. It is REALLY bad form to turn this around and make it my fault.

I reminded him that i was only there because he wanted me there. And that I’d asked him, do you want me to give you an hour or two to yourself so you have your space to relax after coming back from work? He said dont be silly. And despite this being my holiday off work, I offered to stay in one night, and just go for massage another night, because I understood he was working and so big nights out was not ideal. That’s all the consideration I gave him. When he said I’m going for dinner with the boss and gym in the morning. I said okay and did my own thing.

Now he’s putting it on me?

Retrospect meter: I am proud of how I handled myself and I did everything right. He is being a shit now.

The Ex Factor

He said he couldnt pin it down to anything exact except his gut and that said he didnt want to pursue a relationship. So I was right that he didnt WANT  to THINK about it.

Anyway, I thought 2 main things were in the way. 1) distance. Not practical so he shut down. 2) he was not over the ex.

This of course is not something he wants to think about or feel or admit. But he left me wondering for 4 months so I asked. And he doesnt even fucking remember telling me about his ex gf. That that was 2 months ago she left him without warning and it surprised him because he thought they got along really well. (ironic that he then did the same to me)

In fact he got defensive. He thought someone else told me. He said he didnt talk about her. He was almost angry that I knew abt her. And I said uh, YOU told me. And you wanted to cry on my shoulder about it but I brushed it off and didn’t want to know the story because I’M the girl you’re seeing. I’m not a friendly shoulder to cry on about your ex.

Also, one of the outstanding moments for me was when he said I can see something is on your mind be honest and tell me. Straight up. I told him it wasnt nice that he’d brought up the ex gf while we were being intimate. He said he didnt realise he did that and thats terrible. Sorry.

But he doesnt even remember telling me about her. Thats kind of a huge thing.

So this underscores that he isnt over her.

Retrospect meter: I did great. I also recognised the red flag and I addressed it. He fucked up. 

Memory Eraser

So what the fuck? He has forgotten and rewritten whole chunks of what happened. I’ve dated guys before who were passing through and it was quite quick to forget them. The one left behind always takes longer to forget but it doesn’t HURT. This was not like that.

It could be this is his coping mechanism. First he sabotaged the rship. Then he convinced himself I was lousy and didnt display any great qualities, even if that meant distorting what happened. Some pple can do that to believe it was a right choice to leave the person.

Or it could be he is just a royal arsehole.

Actually, either way he is behaving like an asshole. But I guess im just trying to understand how someone who liked u so much can turn around n not care about u the next moment.

Guilt

I thought he might have some. Like the first time he fucked up and thought it would be better to leave me alone because he’d been an asshole.

However he doesnt.

He has repainted me as not evoking much feelings from him and concentrating on what I did wrong. Anything I did wrong, I did AFTER he went cold turkey on me.

Retrospect meter:  I understand his negative view of me in association to me reaching out when he was ignoring me. Doesnt change the fact that I needed to do it, but i can accept that i dont look great and he can be angry at that if he wants. 

He is angry about that. But he doesnt recognise at all what I have to be angry about. That he drove me to it. I just wanted a conversation at the right time but he refused. Which is hard to stomach when the last thing someone said is they like u back and want to discuss a rship. Then they dont discuss but just decide and go away.

Overall, where he is now, how he is now, is not the wonderful guy I wanted to be with. That guy was open and honest and mature and communicative and expressed his feelings for me. This guy is defensive shutdown selfish dishonest and has no respect for my feelings and personhood. It’s all abut him on his terms and his time. Its easier to say im crazy and unreasonable.

We left off on a fairly friendly note. But there was nothing impressive abt how he dealt witht this.

Its a pity. We really had a great time.

Insecurites All Come to Surface

I was just watching a chick flick and was reminded about the girly insecurities. And it makes me nervous that they didn’t bother me that much when I was young, which is when it drives most girls to crazy things, these insecurities are developing and coming to the forefront now. In my 20s.

I didn’t figure myself for someone who would be worried about getting married or starting a family by a certain age. But I am definitely starting to stress out about it. Moreso because it feels lonely not to have someone love and support you. And I didn’t think I’d have no one.

I can’t believe how much time I spend thinking about being single and how to ‘fix’ it.

So I find myself a bit sad and missing the guy before. We hit it off. I was so happy. It’s still hard to believe its over. That someone who cares about you can turn around and walk the other way in an instant.

It makes me doubt my instincts. Makes it hard for me to trust guys. And I’ve found myself wondering all the negatives – is it because I’m too fat now? Is it bad that I’m witty and dorky? Did he mean it when he said I was too smart? Was I too available? Did I not show enough affection and flattery? Or did I do it too much?

It takes a while to see its not me.

But I will admit that I feel like I’m not enough. Definitely on the weight front.

I’ve started putting more effort into make up and dresses. I used to wear more edgy clothes and now I wonder if I’ve gotten too predictable with it? I I thought my job was cool and I like to keep up with their interesting conversations. BUt now maybe the girls who play dumb are on to something. I always avoided hissy fits and drama queen stuff or being too affectionate. But now I’m thinking I need to play more into the girl thing.

And I’m confused if I’m being silly to think this, or if in fact I’m trying what works better?

Ugh. What is all this.

I am clueless as to how to even find a date. These Tinder guys stand you up and treat you like meat. I don’t need that. So what else do I need to do?

I don’t feel good. And its not easy to talk about.

And why I always seem to meet great guys at the wrong time.

Hurt and Confused

Weeks have passed and he hasn’t stepped up to the plate to have a decent conversation with me. This has left me very much hurt and confused. Of all the things to say, he chose the one that I can’t believe is true – that we didn’t connect.

We absolutely did. And I know this time I didn’t just rush in, there was nothing one-sided about it.  I let him lead. He showed me, he expressed to me that he felt this connection. It WAS mutual. Enough for him to say so.

So it feels like shit that he flipped it around now. Is it a lie? I wouldnt put it past him. He tends to think if he’s messed up it’s better to leave her alone and not trouble her life anymore. Below that of course is a childish fear of facing up to things.

Or am I not listening to the truth? Does he really not feel it?

But… I don’t think I can be that off the mark. And I don’t think he would have considered relationship for a moment if we didn’t connect. He would have been put off right away that I’d brought it up. Instead, this man followed up with me on his own accord. But then he just dropped this bomb in a text. So I’m bloody confused.

I try to look at it with adult lenses — that this man is showing bad behaviour for a partner and so maybe I dodged a bullet. He WON’T be a good partner. But I also feel for the first time that it might be worth to fight for him a little.

I have been on many dates in my life. This one was an a-ha moment and yet I didn’t rush in. Now I’ve gone on a couple of other dates since meeting him. Yesterday I met a man, hung out with his friends, got along, and we kissed and all that. But this is the kind of dates I’ve had in the past. You get on with someone, you go okay, you can have some sexual attraction, but nothing runs deep. In my younger days I might have been SO excited that someone would kiss me that I would be totally smitten. But at 28 it’s not like that. I know the difference between real connection and just someone kind-of liking to spend time with you.

And with Vday Guy, it was all that.

I don’t want another him. In fact I’m trying to go the opposite way and date someone a bit more into the slow-sleepy-days-in, wine and dine, corporate office guy … rather than Vday Guy who was active and adventurous and handy and so super into fitness and non-corporate.

The point being, it feels weird. I’m hurt that he won’t even talk to me. Did he really already forget me? Or can’t he talk because this actually hits an emotional spot?

I don’t blame him for being afraid to move forward. His last gf left him with a note when he thought things were peachy. That was only December. Plus distance was the problem then. So it’s hard to let the next person in completely when signs that the same problem and same hurt could come again. I understand not being ready.

But that doesn’t make it okay to treat me like this. You can’ drop a text and expect me to feel nothing. Men might be good at shutting down but we aren’t. Why must I act like it was nothing? When the last thing someone says to you is they want to have a relationship with you, then next moment say they didn’t connect and brush it off as some fleeting empty dating situation…

None of my other dates hit the topics we did. Or the joke-flow we did. Or even picking up each others habits and imitating for a laugh. This was ALL connection. It hurts.

I am doing pretty good with moving forward. BUt I am only trying. My head and my heart are still a little preoccupied.

A Crazy Ass Weekend

Thursday night

Texted Vday Guy finally after much radiosilence. A few back and forths. But no invite. And he told me it was his last free-to-roam day as work was getting everyone back to live-in status and he may not be able to go out at all.

So he’d been in the same country and we didn’t even meet. After I spent 3 weeks excited to seem him again. Comprised of 1 week on cloud 9 where I started a fitness routine, and 2 weeks of over-thinking the gaps in communication. And 1 weekend of spending a big chunk of my paycheck on refreshing my wardrobe and buying lingerie to dazzle him when we met up.

Disappointment in the bucketloads. And when I asked him to call me, he didn’t. I was so upset. Clearly I had pinned more hopes on this than I realised. But I can’t help it, I really like this guy AND we’re incredibly compatible. So I call my girlfriend and get it off my chest how bloody awful I feel and how much I don’t look forward to getting back in the field. Bad dates suck.

Friday I am totally in a funk. I am disappointed that when I get emotional, I don’t function too well at work. So much for strong independent woman. My emotions are ruling me. I can’t find anything to do to distract myself. I decide to go out for drinks.

Friday Night The night started out GREAT. Met 2 lovely girls and later my friend joined us, and it was just a great night making new friends. Unfortunately I got targetted by someone who befriended us all, with the plan solely to steal from us. She stole my handbag and my friend’s. She disappeared, but I found her. It became clear she had purposely stolen it. She almost punched me.

Night ended with cops investigation the whole thing and letting her go. I knew once she was gone, so were our bags. Maybe they’d have proof she was guilty. But if she took all my stuff… Still a nightmare.

Penniless, I slept at my friends house.

Saturday afternoon The parents picked me up and the waves of disappointment from them drenched me. It’s hard to show your remorse, while trying to find some positivity in order to fight the anxiety that’s threatening to eat you whole. That was the longest and hardest day ever, not know what the hell to do with your time. Too painful for any distraction to work.

Sunday morning

This weekend is the worst. I went out to have fun to get over the Vday Guy disappoinment and ended up worsening all problems!

Oddly, I feel the need to lean on him. I decide this might be a good risk to take, to appeal to his manly senses to take care of me. Plus the parents are really tough cookies. I need someone to help me feel better and wrap my mind around it. I text. He calls. We talk and I feel better.

I go to church. I pray hard. In the middle of mass, I never usually answer phonecalls but I did this one. A restaurant called to say they’d found my bag dumped next to their bin. Miracle.

Sunday afernoon

I collect my bag and have everything important in it. She’s taken my cash and my ipod. And a credit card which I’ve blocked. All the personal things are fine. But my friend’s bag is still missing. I hunt down dirty alleys but no success. I feel terrible for her but I can’t help much more. I am totally surprised and glad to have my bag back.

Sunday evening. After making reparations with my parents and chilling a bit, I decide to accept Vday Guy’s suggestion we meet up this evening. He has a few hours each day to go out but hasn’t done so far. I told him I wasn’t sure about today but tomorrow is good.

He calls in the evening to ask me again. Nice. I accept and get dressed. This day is feel AMAZING. A total flip. Crazy in itself.

I’m late and he waits patiently.

He looks very happy to see me. We give big hugs and he kisses me on the cheek. I loved that. We have a lovely dinner, talking alot about Friday night and about work. I like that he shares all that with me. He goes much more into details these days and I think people alwaysappreciate the person who is close enough to listen to their boring work stuff. I’m interested tho. And he takes an interest in mine. And we encourage and advice each other.

Soon as we leave the restaurant, he pulls me in for a hug. We go for a tiny walk because his pick-up arrives soon. He has his hands on my waist, we never stop talking, we make jokes, we pass a sports store and he talks about his gymstuff which he is crazy crazy passionate about. We stand around, we joke, we cuddle, we kiss. He makes sure it’s okay in my Asian culture that we are hugging in public. Cute.

His fingers are stroking my back as we talk.

It’s time to go. I declare that we are meeting tomorrow. He’s surprised I would want to make the long journey out to meet him again as he can’t wander far from base. He reminds me its crunch time at work. But he will try and he will update me if he can escape tomorrow. He wants to but he’s serious about work.

Just before we part, we stand and talk with our arms around each other in a full-on eye-gazing sesh.

The big moment

I man up. I say, I have a question. He doesn’t flinch. With his handsome eyes locked on mine, and a tiny smile on his lips, he encourages me to ask. I say,

I feel we’re on to something wonderful here. What do you think?

He smiles. He says, I feel the same. But I am also practical and we live in different countries.

Right answer. And I was expecting that but.

I tell him I’ve been thinking about it. And I bring up the topic of travel. But his ride is honking at him for the 3rd time. He swears at the guy but has to go. He apologizes and said, write me. Write me what you think. And I firmly say, no email. You call me. Or we meet tomorrow.

He says okay. We kiss goodbye with a smile.

He texts later to say he appreciates that I came all the way to meet him. He’s sorry he had to leave at such an important time, but we will pick up the conversation.

It sounds terribly promising. I definitely hope for the best. But in any case, a well-communicated resolve is much easier to stomach than being left hanging.

To recap, HE FEELS THE SAME!

YAY :)))))

Sunday evening

Come home to find some friends hanging out with my brother. We hug and we talk and make plans.

Great end to the weekend. Happy girl right now.

For You No Problem

I live in a country where most people are of Chinese descent and I’m a chocolatey-ish girl with curly hair and curves on my hips. Having grown up, I no longer compare myself to/desire to be like the girls that majority of guys find appealing here, which is the skinny chinese girl with straight hair and hairless smooth skin. Kind of like in the West, the fit/slim blonde girl has the majority appeal right? Here it’s the above. Clearly I will never be that and you just accept that that’s what has the most appeal and your market is a little smaller. Ain’t necessarily a bad thing, just the way it is.

So it was very amusing and nice to hear from a toothless local-Chinese taxi driver tell me, on the topic of relationships, “For you definitely no problem!” Loosely translated, based on my appearance tonight coming home from a jazz festival, that I look great and it should be easy for me to find a suitor.

Haha. Bless!

It was an interesting day overall. Festival was so so much fun. Great way to spend a weekend with a girl friend. And my girl friend talked about her dating experiences. We’re so different and go out with SUCH different men. She confesses she is very demanding, men must pay for everything, she likes the ‘office guys’ and her ideal husband will buy her all these fancy branded goods, Whereas I am very tolerant and ‘equal’, completely understanding of the not-much-money guy, prefer the adventurous outdoorsy guys than the smooth-and-rich career guys, and have little desire for the branded goods. I’ll take them if its something he can easily afford of course — i like nice things too and looking good — but its not important for me to have that lifestyle.

Funny thing is her dating life is far more successful than mine. She demands, they pull out all the stops to impress her with fine restaurants and fancy cars etc. Whereas I have to go through the mud with guys sometimes. Odd.

But we both agreed, there’s no routine way of dating. Everyone story is different and things happen in funny ways. So she says this guy I like now, we went about things the ‘cart before the horse’ but not to worry about it at all. If we work, we work. She’s met him too and she thinks we are wonderful together.

So there 🙂

Compatibility and Distance

I’ve met a man I really like. We’re super duper compatible. We like enough of the same things and have enough differences, to make us rather interested in each other. I can see how we can learn and improve from each other. We make each other laugh a lot. We had bumps due to boy vs girl typical way of doing things. But the amazing thing is how well we cleared up every misunderstanding. How well it all works, is so amazing to me.

If I don’t see us working out, I won’t stay

Now I’m thinking back to the time my bestie said, ‘girl you are single because unlike the rest of us you know what you want and you know the makings of a good relationship. Its not a bad thing’. I thought she was kinda right. Now I know she was right. When I get lonely, I really really wish I had someone. I suppose when the chase is on I give people (read: idiots) too many chances. But when it comes down to the real thing, if I sense we don’t fit, I can’t stay. I get out quick. Because it feels unnatural. If the attraction + compatibility factor isn’t good, it feels false to stay with someone just for company. It is just impossible for me. I suppose it comes from being someone who values being genuine very very highly.

Having met this handsome fella, it all fits. Now there is a challenge. A big one. But in terms of feeling right, making sense, and seeing a potential future — this is what was missing from many dating attempts of the past. I’ve genuinely liked some guys I didn’t get. But 90%, the guys were just wrong for me. And the reality of that was either thrust upon me, or I simply knew it.

I’m not saying I’m pining all my hopes of the future on this guy. But when you like someone, you see yourselves together and it makes you smile. You’re not thinking about where it ends. You’re not thinking short term or long term. You are thinking I like you and I wanna be with you. That’s all there is to it really. And then you get together and move forward. There is no finite point you are looking toward. You are just moving forward together.

Compatibility & Maturity in Communicating

So him and I, we did AMAZING together. My friend stated dating a girl a week before I met this guy, and he was so smitten. Now he’s telling me about her dramatic tantrums. Already bump in the road. And even tho he has apologized, she’s not accepting. Difficult.

Him and I, we had bumps. Several. What amazes me is how well we dealt with it, from both ends.

For instance, we had those situations where boys and girls are affected by things in totally different ways, and deal with it in different ways. I huffed. He asked me to elaborate and I didn’t. He fell asleep. It annoyed me that he could just fall asleep.

But the next day, he put it aside to kiss me good morning. I was touched. I thought about things in the day and by evening, I’d recognized the wrong on my end and apologized. The Man wants to know WHY. So I said sorry that I got upset, but here’s why. He explained himself. He didn’t make stupid excuses. The valid excuses, I accepted. The rest, we put down to differences and accepted that. We joked, we kissed, we carried on.

In fact, we actually talked about all the instances that made me huff. I didn’t kick up a giant fuss any of those times, but still men prefer to hear whats wrong. If u go cold, they wont keep pressing u. But as a girl, that is what I do. I’m not gonna slap u on the head. I’m gonna go super quiet and u should know I’m mad. I realised thats the difference between mens way and womens way and that just how it is.

We talked about the why and all that, and afterward it was cool. Not that all problems solved. No pacifying. But we dealt with it and moved on.

To me I think all these are very good signs of our compatibility. Of course ideally u dont argue at all. BUt we were sharing a small space. So I think we did pretty great in all.

The fact that I was invited to share that space, his space is a big deal. Even when i offered to vacate so he could have his space again for a bit, he said no and wanted me there. But he isn’t clingy. That’s good.

If I had a checklist, this man scored so well on that list.

• He’s not vain
• He’s not materialistic. But he is ambitious.
• He’s healthy, not on a fad-diet. Into fitness.
• He’s not into the stick thin girls
• He likes big dogs and laughed at tiny purse dogs that girls and young couples seem to like these days. No offence to anyone who likes that. But for me, I don’t want that kind of pet. I always said I’d like a ‘man dog’. Meaning one of those big ones. Tough ones. He said that’s what he liked. And I hugged him because that couldnt have been more perfect an answer if I’d planned one
• He kissed me under the stars
• He didn’t rush the sex
• He laughs a very deep laugh. And sometimes when I make a good joke, he laughs so hard and he looks at me with this lingering full-on eye contact, that I feel so fully loved and appreciated and understood in that moment
• He kissed me good morning even when there was tension in the air
• He pats my bum affectionately 🙂
• He thought of me at his dinner and brought back ice cream for both of us to have together
• We attended a party together. He gave me just the right amount of space to hang with my friends. He talked to people. He always refilled my cup/plate.
• He didn’t MAKE me pay for anything
• When I sprung for a couple’s massage, he was so impressed that a girl was treating him, he leaned over and kissed me
• He says thank you. Anytime it would be nice to hear a thank you, he has said it
• He has a sexy man beard
• He makes me laugh and I make him laugh

So in terms of how good the time we had together, I’m raving about it.

The question of what happens now,

though, is still open. It seems promising but still a little vague. “nice to meet you” as a parting phrase was kinda weird. And he said “maybe” as an answer to, will i see u again? And he didnt want to get skype.

At the same time, he did react like I was crazy for thinking he wouldn’t write me when he went back home to Australia. OF COURSE, he said. And his texts from the airport were all still very cosy/normal after he’d left. And he’ll be back in 3 weeks.

I did also get a chance to say, I don’t want to be anyone’s exotic conquest, and he said of course not. And he said he was on Tinder (where we met) not for sex although that would be a nice benefit to come with meeting a nice girl.

I am a bit nervous I think. I want to play it cool, but I want to ask for what I want. If I act like i dont care, he prob wouldnt develop the rship. Can a girl ask? I know I don’t want to date other pple right now. I can’t really stand the idea of him dating pple back home, although it wouldnt be wrong since we didnt commit to anything.

I would like to commit though. To something. I want to be an us. How do I do that?

Pyjama Day

Spent the day watching chick flicks, feeling really down then getting positive then getting down again then doing something else to cheer up. I’m glad I’m ending the night with a better mood.

You see at the start of the week I was talking to a (male) friend about tinder usage. Frankly I think character is character. You can’t suddenly give a person tinder and they become a selfish asshole. They’ve had it in them. Whatever way you meet someone, you are interested in who they are and if/how the two of you might enjoy each other’s company. So if a person decides to treat someone else like they’re disposable, tinder aside, that’s a choice they’ve made and shows bad character. In the end we are still dealing person-to-person. A real human person.

So my friend said to refresh the app and don’t give up and yadayada. So I did. I refreshed my profile too. And I had a lot of positive responses. I have TONS of matches, like 5x as many as my friend does, but not much has come out of it. A small percentage will actually message you, an even smaller number will want to meet up, less than that will show up, lesser still will keep talking, and none of them have been great success stories. So upon the refresh, finding several men step up to message me and make plans, I was impressed. So I felt positive.

I set the mindset — invest less heart, take it less serious, go out with different guys if they ask. THe odds of all of them coming through for you or all of them being fantastic, are slim to none.

So I went from almost giving up, to being really cool about it and having 3 dates lined up for the weekend. Ordinarily I’d feel bad about that. I prefer to pay attention to one guy at a time, or else it feels rude. You’re not really in it to get to know him… But this time I said, let’s get with the times and go with it.

And then I got stood up 2 days in a row. I felt like shit today so I postponed the third.

You see I’d already put in place some precautions based on what I’d learnt. To prevent being stood up. If the guy doesn’t give you his number, and if he doesn’t write you on the DAY you’re supposed to meet, don’t get ready for the date. That way you know he still wants to see u that very day and you can reach him with an actual ringing phone.

Now Guy Friday wrote me everyday of the week. He wanted to meet earlier but I said Friday. And he was writing me right up to Friday. And then 2 hours before meeting, he says he’s still at work. Only an hour AFTER our agreed date time, for which I had make reservations, did he message again to say again, still stuck at work. Given that we had dinner plans, and he didn’t cancel but rather implied we’d meet as soon as he got let off work (which was way way earlier in all the previous days of the week), the idea then was that I’m supposed to wait for him to eat together. Luckily I didn’t. I met a friend and I wasn’t all torn up about it. She was amazed I wasn’t torn up. I was cool until much later he just said I’m finally home, so tired, u can come over for wine but I am exhausted. WOW. Such a great invitation. And sure I want my first date to be in your house.

So I said no. And he presumptuously said see you tomorrow instead.

Now Guy Saturday, I was actually genuinely excited about. Mostly because conversation was very chill and flowed naturally. We weren’t setting up anything fancy. We just got on and naturally wanted to meet up. A casual coffee even, just cos we’re two cool people who obviously get on. I liked a lot about him. It felt easy, and that’s the best. No dramatic wooing. He’s this bearded laidback guy who seemed as interested in me as I was in him, for the same reason — he’s not ken and i’m not barbie. We’re both a bit adventurous, all about the wordplay, have our own passions, not tricky, we’re laidback and not obsessed about flashy things or looking flashy. That’s my kind of guy. He has no asshole vibes, he’s not super charming or super flirty. More genuine kind of guy.

He offered his number. He was attentive. He wrote me on his own accord on Saturday to set up the time to meet. Everything was positive. He was keen. Not only was it the same day, it was 2 hours to the date. He was on his way home, gonna show and come meet me. I got up to get dressed and would zip out to meet him.

So imagine when THIS guy, THIS late, also is a case of me getting stood up. I was so sure HE’d be there.

You see it’s all about having your guard up, and someone convincing you you should let it down. And even though I let my guard down later and later in the game, I still get plucked.

I know it’s not me. (What’s me, is when I give second chances). They choose to behave lousily. But somehow it does get under your skin and take a toll on your confidence. You feel like you aren’t worthy. They’d fight for the hot bitch, but for you? Nah. I’ll show up if I feel like it.

A partner should make you feel like a treasure. And when you like someone you’re all giddy about them too. I’m not saying we’re at that stage. But if people aren’t lovely on the first date, then there’s going to be zero romance in this right?

Dating IS about feelings.

So I was kinda devastated. I feel more and more like the sad single girl. I know I don’t look it. But that sometimes makes it even harder. If I can’t blame bad looks, bad dressing, bad personality, low passion, low social life…. then I just feel like it’s just bad luck. And there’s nothing I can do about it, but keep trying, even though trying is hurting me in too high a quantity.

Let’s just look at the cliches in this one night alone. Cliches I would never imagine applying to me. I was ditched on valentines day. I was a dolled up girl that people checked out when I walked in the restaurant, surrounded by couples, and sat alone at the bar. I ate cake and drank beer. At the end of the night I bought a whole pizza, stuffed my face while crying in the taxi ride home. Today I didn’t want to get out of the house and watched chick flicks and felt sad.

It sounds SO terrible. I’m totally allowed to feel sad, I’m not saying I shouldnt have done those things. But it just is so very awful that I have to know what this feels like and have to go through these motions.

There are 2 follow ups to the date stories though, that are quite important lessons:

I apologized to Guy Friday for a rude text I sent at 1am expressing my anger. Why? I learnt not to be ONLY reactive. You don’t have to wait for the other person to do something before u do it. You do what’s right to you. I figured he wouldnt care at this pt. But I did something wrong and apologized because I felt it was the right thing to do. Right by me.

Second, I texted Guy Saturday. I had a good feeling about him. Genuinely. And what I learnt is, when guys do something wrong, sometimes they freak out and just pull themselves out of the picture. The absence of sorry is not always because they’re so extremely mean. But they are ashamed and know they’ve fucked up. They just go.

Now the feeling I got from him is he’s not the kind of asshole to do something like this caually. He messed up and freaked out. I wanted to give him the chance to make up for it, to say look if it was a genuine mistake, I’ll LET YOU make it up to me. I’ve not sworn you’re my enemy and plottnig your murder.

I had to say my piece, even if he didn’t bite. It would make him an asshole. But I just wanted to control my side of the court.

Turns out I was right. He knew he’d fucked up. He couldn’t imagine being good company feeling like a complete dick. See in my mind a normal person would do their best to show they’re sorry. BUt I’ve learnt guys sometimes work SO differently. They just shut down. They’re not worthy of your company now so they’ll just go.

But that’s not how we work. I’d rather you SHOW UP even if you’re late. Let me give you a hard time but we’ll move past it.

He sent me a long text, rather than the cold nothing that I was getting up to that point. So putting myself out there with a text turned out to be a good idea. I think I was pretty on point in assessing this guy. He was absolutely wrong and childish for dealing witht the situation the way he did — I ain’t impressed. But I do know boys are stupid with these things sometimes. So a second chance I can do. Carefully.

He’s amazed I would give him such a chance. He think it’s better he leave me alone after fucking up. But I told him what I’d rather. I rather replace a horrible memory with a good time, the good time I was counting ont hefirst time and showed up all dressed up for.

So we will meet. Just after work so its more convenient, rather than full effort for me.

And the chat has already gotten back to good.

Literally Darling

During the busy workweek, I so look forward to weekends. I just realised though that shortly after feeling rested with a Saturday sleep-in,  those feelings of loneliness set in, forming a not-so-great weekend pattern.

Do Something About It 

It helps to have this blog. But I don’t like to just sit around in my problems. I try to do something about it, even though the first step to solutions is often a pretty uncomfortable zone. The thing is, I don’t really know what to do about this one.

As I’ve often said, it feels pathetic. It’s not easy to talk to peers about it. Again, I appreciate having this blogspace but can I really count whining into the internet universe as a fix? I really really appreciate any response – a like, a share, a follower – because it tells me others relate, I’m not alone, this isn’t a weirdo thing. I have to have to have get out and help my current  situation though, something more than this.

I was thinking, what can I do today? Of course most of is too ambitious to start right this moment. But suddenly it occured to me to look up who else is writing about this, but getting somewhere with it. An influencer. With followers.

In the Same Boat

I found a really good read here. I don’t like to read the “emo kid” version where they lash out at everyone and overuse the “i am unique” thing. The rhetoric of ‘i am who i am’, ‘you dont need to try’, ‘haters gonna hate’ etc… is used in a rather shallow, uninspiring way these days if you listen to the popculture people.

I liked this post on literally darling, which has a brilliant tagline to the site as well.

What I’m learning from my 20s is that I can have all the confidence in the world with my passion, career, myself, and it can still be immensely lonely. Our 20s are conflicted for people who have not quite found their passion and for those of us who have. This disconnection, combined with poor communication, is what deteriorates a friendship. People in their 20s need to accept that some people are putting themselves together faster than others, and instead of distancing ourselves, communicating these frustrations, successes, and confusion. It’s good communication, and an ability to separate ourselves from others that helps confidence grow and builds stronger friendships.

Yes!

Because I Can Relate

I’m not the mcnerdy bird who wears ugly sweaters and has no friends. It’s just that things aren’t so peachy for me, but I do have a passion, career, and some friends to sometimes have plans with. But I don’t have those consistent, close friends. Nor a partner. You know, you’re stuck in the ‘polite conversation’ because you aren’t that close. So the support system you used to have in school, and the endless opportunities for socializing, all kinda gone. And those close friends seem far less bothered about upkeeping friendships than you. And those with partners disappear.

So it’s more apparent, if adult friends care less about friendships, then the significant other takes on more significance. But that’s almost even harder. Then again, people do say ‘you should find a nice guy’, and you can say ‘yeah i am looking for a boyfriend’. You can’t say ‘i am looking for new friends’. Kinda weirdish.

Putting Out Someone Else’s Flame Does Not Make Yours Burn Any Brighter

Also, I’ve had the unfortunate experience of learning what it is to have people resent you for your successes. It is a bizarre concept for me. But it’s one of those ugly experiences, thats not all that uncommon in the world, I’ve sadly had to go through.

I don’t feel I am anywhere near the “Oooh what an achiever with a shining career” level. I know quite a few friends who are. I look at them and wonder how they did it. How do I get further? Yet I have had people trying to put out my flame.

That said, I am proud of what I have achieved. This is my venting space so I may seem a little negative, but in reality I do often take moments to look back and realise, yeah girl you are somewhere great! You are on the right path, achieving passions, doing well.

So without OUTSTANDING achievements, I still do know ‘friends’ with green eyes.

Making Friends in Your 20s

does seem to be pretty hard. It never seems like it when you look at your friends around you. Heck you could look at my facebook and think the same of me. But the depth isn’t quite there. And when you wake up feeling sad, when you arent the kind of person who doesn’t try, then you have to accept that what you feel is real.

It’s not an impossible thing to overcome. Just hard when you are in it.

There is a definite pressure that your 20s are supposed to be SUPER exciting and dating is SO much fun. I just dont have the circle to meet guys, or the support system to encourage me to go out on my big adventures which I totally would do.

I’ve done the solo backpacking. But maybe i dont want to have to rely on being so solo anymore. I’d like to share.

Is there anybody out there?

Normalcy & Ambition

Ella has been operating with normalcy for weeks now. The madness is passed, I think, and I feel like myself again. Some exciting new things are happening and I see that I am looking forward to life’s opportunities again.

I’ve applied for a job in Europe that would mark a milestone for my career if I get it. I promised myself I’d send in an application but not expect to be picked. I don’t want to hang everything on one thing again. I am however pretty excited and checking the inbox quite nervously to see if I’ve been granted an interview.

I am proud that when I think about relocating as this job requires, to the country where Rai lives, I am excited more of the prospects of meeting many new people including interesting, compatible, date-worthy men. I am not thinking about how perfect it is to have the chance to be with Rai. I will admit however to that little nagging thought that when Rai finds out I am there, he will say something that hurts real bad. I may not want to pursue things with him once I get there, but if HE says that first, then it will poison every belief and joy I have had with him.

It has been past a month now since I heard from him.

I definitely feel I reached the next stage of moving on. I did have a random naughty time with a cute guy fairly recently, but I came at it with a different attitude. I wasn’t running/distracting. I wasn’t pretending. I wasn’t trivializing.

I wondered how come though, I could go for a fleeting experience so easily. Again it goes back to the East meets West cultural things, and the old good-girl me and this newer just-do-it me. And so I charted my experiences and changes in mindset over the years and it became clear that it was okay. I was responding to the experiences I have been through, I had learnt things and adjusted. I didn’t abandon my principles. You just take in new things and your beliefs with them, to some extent.

He was cute and free and charming. He talked with me and not at me. It was a quick connection and we were both drawn to each other. We knew it would be brief but it was just what it was. And it felt good, without any illusions of meeting again or falling in love or anything like that. It was not smutty either.

I’ve booked my flights and looking forward now to my holiday, reunion with friends, new experiences and some shopping 🙂