Questions and looming answers for the relationship status with Rai and with the ex-bestie. Thankfully, this is saved by a new friend who is fun and supportive and attentive.
a) Rai
I’m glad I bothered to start my reply asking if he was okay. This eases off a totally unhappy tone.
I said it was very hurtful, what he said to me. Was tempted to write more but I don’t want him to go on on hero mode and ‘save me from pain’ by taking himself away.
He asked me what he said that was hurtful?
Geez. Sometimes it is a bloody mystery how men and women are so different. Can’t believe he’s so oblivious. English is not his first language but it’s not often a problem.
Need to actually talk it out.
If Rai is angry and defensive and overreacting to the one time I showed some unhappiness over our situation, then he is being unreasonable and it’s totally unacceptable to me. If we carry on as we were, I can think about it. If he takes a leap for me, then I’m in.
I feel like I want a label on this now. He’s had quite a few months to himself. I could do one or two more at a slow pace. But afterward, I need him to say that this is a relationship.
It feels silly otherwise, for me to stay like this. At some point, there has to be something solid. Something for me. If we are not even together, then what is all this effort and hardship for? Yes I stayed to support him even if that meant I can’t have him. That was that, but that period is passing. There’s been much time and emotion since, enough to shake up my life. I know there is no happy ending for the girl who stays with the guy who is still floating about, unable to say ‘hey, we are together’. So I am asking for something.
This will only hurt me if it continues in this long-distance, almost-relationship way. Something needs to change. It is obvious that the way we talk, the way we need each other, the emotions, the way we squabble, this is the makings of two people who care for each other and are already in something. It is a boy-girl thing, clearly.
He needs to turn that into something or we need to decide to be just friends. So we are at a crossroads.
It is far too serious for it to go down easy if he wants to say ‘well, goodbye’ and the whole thing will feel like nothing. A shadow of a relationship. But we’ll see. I hate to see it end bad.
I am ready to commit if he wants to make it real. Otherwise, I am going on dates here. I genuinely enjoy their company while I am there but I go home and Rai is on my mind. I feel like I am sabotaging the dates before they even happen. So clearer definitions would help.
b) The ex-bestie
A few things added up and I was furious with Rai. I called on her. She had to finish work then ‘had to’ go for a birthday dinner and I had to wait. I didn’t go. She had some little pockets of time for me if I needed her over the next two days. I didn’t take her up on it, but learnt through happy postings online that she spent it ladida-ing with her usual friends she sees all the time (the ones she replaced me with) and commenting how happy she is to have them. Nice.
I really love being put on the backburner for you to do random-unimportant-hangingoutfun things with people you see all the time anyway. You got my back when I need you most huh?
This is the opposite of how I do things. If u feel bad enough to say you need me, I will drop shit and come to you.
c) The new friend
We hang out and talk and party. I know about the little things happening as they progress and she cares to ask about the progress of things happening to me. That is the simple, nice things in life that matter.
Ella | Long Distance Flutters 