Single Girls get to check out all the Cute Guys

Went out this weekend. On Friday, the guy I thought was hottest in the room chose to dance with me. On Saturday, so much fun at a friend’s bbq and a cute guy paid a little extra attention to me. The up side of being single!

It’s been a really good week actually. Spending some time with friends who are fun professionals, people more alike work wise, and being open about Vday Guy, has given me good support but also positive affirmation about myself and my life choices. Just enjoying their company, having more in common, and just people who understand you and inspire you to better things. Plus, romantic hardships happen to everyone. It’s not a sign that you’re worth less or anything like that.

That said, Vday GUy deleted me last week. 2 months since I last wrote him. WHY now? It was our last mode of contact. It really hurt me. I thought I was doing good in carrying on, sharing pictures of me happy in my life despite everything that happened, but still leaving doors of communication open to him. So I thought he’d chat when he got over it and saw there’s lss pressure. But no. Delete. I can’t believe, after how great we got along he would just delete me out of his life. I suppose it has more to do with him than me and I shouldnt take it personal but it sure feels personal.

Anyway, in the spirit of being positive, that cute guy may have some potential. Or maybe not but yesterday was nice itself. I’ve seen him around the office a few times. He hangs out with this guy and I think of them as the guys who would only have very hot girlfriends and lots and lots of fun. So I don’t expect attention.

But when I walked in the party, it was the first time we were meeting but he gave me a big hug and welcome. Here and there I would find him by my side, he did put his arm around my waist, I gave him a few compliments as he taught me how to mix a cocktail. He was cute. And funny. But he didn’t know I work in the same office, that might make things less open actually. But no overthinking! Just saying it was nice to have a boy kinda like me. Particularly when he’s cute and funny.

And the guy the other night I know nothing about except he’s Scottish, has a hot Maori tattoo. I reckon he noticed me because I dance like I enjoy dancing – not sexy dancing to pick up. And he danced like he enjoyed dancing – not prowling to slip up behind a girl. A good dancer of course attracts me even more. He eased in to dancing with me and it was fun fun fun. Unfortunately the night took him elsewhere so that’s it. But it was nice to feel attractive. By a hottie, no less.

x

x

A Crazy Ass Weekend

Thursday night

Texted Vday Guy finally after much radiosilence. A few back and forths. But no invite. And he told me it was his last free-to-roam day as work was getting everyone back to live-in status and he may not be able to go out at all.

So he’d been in the same country and we didn’t even meet. After I spent 3 weeks excited to seem him again. Comprised of 1 week on cloud 9 where I started a fitness routine, and 2 weeks of over-thinking the gaps in communication. And 1 weekend of spending a big chunk of my paycheck on refreshing my wardrobe and buying lingerie to dazzle him when we met up.

Disappointment in the bucketloads. And when I asked him to call me, he didn’t. I was so upset. Clearly I had pinned more hopes on this than I realised. But I can’t help it, I really like this guy AND we’re incredibly compatible. So I call my girlfriend and get it off my chest how bloody awful I feel and how much I don’t look forward to getting back in the field. Bad dates suck.

Friday I am totally in a funk. I am disappointed that when I get emotional, I don’t function too well at work. So much for strong independent woman. My emotions are ruling me. I can’t find anything to do to distract myself. I decide to go out for drinks.

Friday Night The night started out GREAT. Met 2 lovely girls and later my friend joined us, and it was just a great night making new friends. Unfortunately I got targetted by someone who befriended us all, with the plan solely to steal from us. She stole my handbag and my friend’s. She disappeared, but I found her. It became clear she had purposely stolen it. She almost punched me.

Night ended with cops investigation the whole thing and letting her go. I knew once she was gone, so were our bags. Maybe they’d have proof she was guilty. But if she took all my stuff… Still a nightmare.

Penniless, I slept at my friends house.

Saturday afternoon The parents picked me up and the waves of disappointment from them drenched me. It’s hard to show your remorse, while trying to find some positivity in order to fight the anxiety that’s threatening to eat you whole. That was the longest and hardest day ever, not know what the hell to do with your time. Too painful for any distraction to work.

Sunday morning

This weekend is the worst. I went out to have fun to get over the Vday Guy disappoinment and ended up worsening all problems!

Oddly, I feel the need to lean on him. I decide this might be a good risk to take, to appeal to his manly senses to take care of me. Plus the parents are really tough cookies. I need someone to help me feel better and wrap my mind around it. I text. He calls. We talk and I feel better.

I go to church. I pray hard. In the middle of mass, I never usually answer phonecalls but I did this one. A restaurant called to say they’d found my bag dumped next to their bin. Miracle.

Sunday afernoon

I collect my bag and have everything important in it. She’s taken my cash and my ipod. And a credit card which I’ve blocked. All the personal things are fine. But my friend’s bag is still missing. I hunt down dirty alleys but no success. I feel terrible for her but I can’t help much more. I am totally surprised and glad to have my bag back.

Sunday evening. After making reparations with my parents and chilling a bit, I decide to accept Vday Guy’s suggestion we meet up this evening. He has a few hours each day to go out but hasn’t done so far. I told him I wasn’t sure about today but tomorrow is good.

He calls in the evening to ask me again. Nice. I accept and get dressed. This day is feel AMAZING. A total flip. Crazy in itself.

I’m late and he waits patiently.

He looks very happy to see me. We give big hugs and he kisses me on the cheek. I loved that. We have a lovely dinner, talking alot about Friday night and about work. I like that he shares all that with me. He goes much more into details these days and I think people alwaysappreciate the person who is close enough to listen to their boring work stuff. I’m interested tho. And he takes an interest in mine. And we encourage and advice each other.

Soon as we leave the restaurant, he pulls me in for a hug. We go for a tiny walk because his pick-up arrives soon. He has his hands on my waist, we never stop talking, we make jokes, we pass a sports store and he talks about his gymstuff which he is crazy crazy passionate about. We stand around, we joke, we cuddle, we kiss. He makes sure it’s okay in my Asian culture that we are hugging in public. Cute.

His fingers are stroking my back as we talk.

It’s time to go. I declare that we are meeting tomorrow. He’s surprised I would want to make the long journey out to meet him again as he can’t wander far from base. He reminds me its crunch time at work. But he will try and he will update me if he can escape tomorrow. He wants to but he’s serious about work.

Just before we part, we stand and talk with our arms around each other in a full-on eye-gazing sesh.

The big moment

I man up. I say, I have a question. He doesn’t flinch. With his handsome eyes locked on mine, and a tiny smile on his lips, he encourages me to ask. I say,

I feel we’re on to something wonderful here. What do you think?

He smiles. He says, I feel the same. But I am also practical and we live in different countries.

Right answer. And I was expecting that but.

I tell him I’ve been thinking about it. And I bring up the topic of travel. But his ride is honking at him for the 3rd time. He swears at the guy but has to go. He apologizes and said, write me. Write me what you think. And I firmly say, no email. You call me. Or we meet tomorrow.

He says okay. We kiss goodbye with a smile.

He texts later to say he appreciates that I came all the way to meet him. He’s sorry he had to leave at such an important time, but we will pick up the conversation.

It sounds terribly promising. I definitely hope for the best. But in any case, a well-communicated resolve is much easier to stomach than being left hanging.

To recap, HE FEELS THE SAME!

YAY :)))))

Sunday evening

Come home to find some friends hanging out with my brother. We hug and we talk and make plans.

Great end to the weekend. Happy girl right now.

Being Stood Up

It never happened to me, until trying these dating apps. I guess that goes to show that people don’t think of people on the other side of the app, as normal people worthy of respect. It’s a game. Far more flippant. In my mind, I think people would only go through the effort of putting up a profile if they dont normally come across potential partners – due to the nature of the work, or social circles etc. So this is just a chance to make first contact with someone outside those circles and then go on a regular date.

From what I see, plenty of the men on these apps do not see it the same way. I also hear there are prostitutes on there which makes things tricky for guys as well.

There are also lots of normal men, but playing the ‘cast a net’ game, it seems. They start things up with different women but they can just drop off the face of the earth, or stand you up, because someone else has caught their attention.

It can be crushing for the ego. But most of all, I hate being stood up. Why did u ask me out if you aren’t gonna be there? Is it so fun to go up to a woman, talk to her, get her to be interested in you, ask her out, then disappear?

I will never get the ignoring thing, but I see that many men do that rather than explaining why or at the very least stating that they wont be seeing you again. It annoys me. And it always goes back to feeling like you lack a lot of things. But more than that, I hate being stood up — they don’t mind that you’ve been looking forward to the date, or even that you got all dressed up and are waiting for them. It is terrible terrible sign of character. So I am learning to be less insulted and more grateful to not have had the chance to cosy up and develop feelings for someone who thinks it is okay to be so inconsiderate.

In a related story, I met one guy who seemed to adore me. The date was fun and went on really long because we got on. He did get a little too enthusiastic about making plans though: We went out on Saturday. At the end of Sat he wanted to go out on Sunday ( I couldnt). Then we had dinner on Monday, which is when he was cooking up plans for Saturday AND Sunday, plus he showed me a salsa dance class we could sign up for together because I said I wanted to take one. A bit much. How would I know if I really wanted to see you every week at dance class if we’ve been on 1 date?

Anyway, he went from texting everyday right up to Thursday, then quiet on Fri and Sat. I prompted and he said he’s been swamped at work. But when the time came for that weekend plans we agreed to, I still hadnt heard from him, And nothing since.

So even the guys who like you more than you like them, and actively pursuing you, can drop off in an instant if something external changes. I have no idea what it is, but it’s funny that can happen. When I really really like someone, if we go on a date and it’s great, I don’t really want to date other people. Sometimes, even when I just LIKE a guy, I’m not interested in dating anyone else.

The good thing is, I felt like this guy would make a great friend and not so much a great partner. I didnt feel gd about having to make the friendzone speech to someone so keen — he’d already told his mother and we bumped into his boss so virtually everyone knew abt me. But since he has disappeared without feeling any need to explain himself, he has given me an out. It’s unfortunate we dont get to be friends, but I’ll live with that.

 

Definitely glad I didn’t fall hard for him because then it would be hard dealing with the fact that he sent all the opposite signals then left me hanging.

Big Change

Lost my job. Stayed calm, focused on moving ahead very career-climb focused and no-nonsense. Followed through on plans for a weekend getaway. It was an amazing time but fucked up my calm. So, time to vent again. Today is the most nervous I have been since everything changed last week. Oddly enough because of a vacation.

What Happened

Several in my department were made redundant due to a change in strategy coming from the higher ups. I was assured it has nothing to do with my performance. I will be getting good references. That helps I suppose but it was still a shock and hard to stomach that you did well yet get thrown out. Everyone else in the office was also in shock by the news because our team has been consistently turning in good results. In fact we just broke a company record as the best performance ever. We’ve even gotten thank you emails from another department for consistently being their best support. Personally, I have been given more and more responsibilities which I carried out well and got good feedback.  Also, another department has been asking  repeatedly that I be transferred to them which gave me added job security because 2 teams were “fighting” for me. With that much positivity, who expects to lose their job?

What upset me more is that I really like the people and that’s not so easy to find. I spent my early time with the company being withdrawn because I was so upset about Rai stuff. I got out of that funk, made the effort to be social, and colleagues became friends. Close enough that we do lots of things together even outside work. Now I won’t get to see them as much. New office means new politics and that sucks…. These guys were a positive influence and I really liked learning and hanging out with them. Sucks to lose it.

Despite the gloom, my peers and the colleagues who worked with me on projects, all felt for me, sympathized and encouraged me. They definitely eased the blow. Everyone is helping me find new jobs — not just saying it but actually recommending me. It’s great. They helped me to be positive and just focus on what to do next. I dove straight into the next step. I wanted to keep going on the jobhunt but we’d already booked a weekend getaway to an island so I paused to do that.

It was a wonderful time. Time passes slowly and so fully. You feel like you have stayed there forever even though it was only 2 days. I snorkelled and kayaked etc. The group was fun and the place was beautiful. The ride home had a great roadtrip feel and we sang and laughed and it was super fun.

When A Super Good Times Makes You Sad About How Lonely Tomorrow Will Feel

The downside of it hit me though, because of how much fun it was, but the next day I wouldn’t be waking up to a job  and I wouldn’t be seeing these people as often. I was afraid of the stark contrast of loneliness to that very moment of elation, being surrounded by a whole group of friends making me laugh. I know it is stupid to ruin the moment, but I really liked this job and it was the one thing that kept me afloat when I was falling to pieces emotionally last year. So I felt sad.

I also met a guy on the island. Everyone else kinda turned in early but two of us girls stuck it out, tried to meet the other people on the island and party a little. It was a bit of a dud but very late in the day, good conversation sparked with person. It wasn’t about boy-girl really, just glad to be TALKING to someone, meeting someone interesting. That’s the best part of travelling. And parties. Or anything social. So it was good to find someone who had something to say.

All About Chemistry

It was very good conversation. My girlfriend, who is a fairly new friend, said something interesting about that. Based on my stories of boys she said earlier that same day,  “You always ‘have chemistry’ with guys”. She didn’t get what that means. The next day she said, “I saw you with him and how he talked to you and then I understood exactly what you meant about ‘chemistry’.” There it was.

I did think he was attractive but I wasn’t talking to him because of that. So we actually talked about nothing flirty or sexy. Just very interesting topics of all sorts, sharing opinions etc.

At some point attraction crept in. And some point later, I knew he was hooked.

It was very nice because it was gradual. We must have talked at that party for 2 hours. We were the last ones left, along with another couple. He took us all out to end of the jetty and looked out into the ocean under the night sky. We sat there talking for some time too. By then, there were just little touches.
I Forgot What It Felt Like

It has been a long time since I’ve experienced this. To meet someone, have that connection and grow gradually into the next step. It’s obvious you are drawn to each other, there’s something there. It’s not the same as having a spark with a boy at a party and it’s flirty and intentionally boy-girl from the get-go. This was slow. The attraction built. No one rushed it. There was no assumptions or plans to get laid. Instead it grows and you both feel it at the same time.

When they just touch your leg or your shoulder and you are so uber conscious about it. That feeling… oh that feeling…

It’s one of the most incredible things. Which is why, I felt starkly lonely returning home to nothing. I wanted a quick fix solution. To run out somewhere where you can find someone else to just fall into this way, to feel this. But you cannot find this stuff at will. I was tempted to run out and just go to a party and meet boys. But it’s all clubs here and it’s a much much different feel. It’s smutty and fast-forwarded. No romance.

I suppose that’s the word. Romance.

How it Makes Me Feel

It was a beautiful night. Connected, fun, sensual, natural. There was a lot of romance in the whole thing and also lots of laughter. We sat at the end of the jetty, we had our first kiss on the beach and wrapped around each other with long gazes, we laughed and we went to bed.

I woke up in his arms. We’d spent hours and hours awake together until we fell asleep most comfortably. I’ll write in the next post about the rest of the night. But for now this is about how I feel. And it ain’t good.

I am definitely tired of the transient stuff. But I didn’t realise how much I missed feeling this way. The boyfriend feel. To have someone be gentle and sweet. He massaged my foot when I complained of a pain, brushed my hair from my face, stroked my skin and admired all of me, we lay with my leg draped over him and his arm holding me to him. He soothed me when he saw that I was nervous/bothered about something. It’s all the caring things, the gentleness and the deep interest. When they make you feel absolutely beautiful and worthy and adored. He even brought out my wit and humour. I like when you don’t have to just play the surface card, when they stimulate your mind too and bring out all the best aspects of you.

I loved that he didn’t want to let me me sleep. That he wanted all my attention. That he made me laugh too.

At some point I just said I like you and rolled into him to sink in a hug. He pulled me right in and said I like you too.

When I needed to get up and get something, he refused. He got up and did it for me.

I have gotten so used to protecting my heart, expecting guys to leave and these come and go travellers. They have a way of bringing up beautiful feelings but they are so good at managing it the next day, if they need to let you go. I’ve gotten so used to that that I expect so little. I forget what it is to be adored. To be cared for and soothed. To be treated gently and your girly emotions make them soften. Essentially, forgotten how it feels to be treated like a girlfriend.

That’s why I felt super sad and alone coming home. How terrible it is that I’ve gotten used to cold day-afters and fleeting connections. How much I would love to have a partner I can keep, one who makes me feel this way and cares about my happiness in the long run. Who, when I’m with him, makes me feel like the world. And I have license to be loving back. Being able to verbalise I LIKE YOU is a big thing. It shouldn’t be, but it is. And it was really nice to have him reciprocate genuinely.

 

It Ended There, But Made Me Miss Someone Else

Unfortunately there is no fairytale ending for this story. Precisely why I had limits in the bedroom because it matters whether this is long-run or not. It felt beautiful but it could well be just for the night. I was aware that wouldn’t be enough for me. And it was. It is sad of course. But sadder that it’s so hard to find someone and I don’t have someone like that now.

It made me think of how long it has been. How nice it would be. And it made me miss Rene.  I don’t know what it is about Rene, whether I actually believe we’d have a good relationship. But we have a friendship-romance pendulum almost. I was certain we were jsut friends. But sometimes, like this, he’s the one I think about when I think about wanting to be with someone. Maybe it’s because we didn’t get together for distance only, or that he still calls me and we talk about everything, and we laugh but most of all it’s his tenderness. He’s kind of a tough guy but he is so tender sometimes with me.

This island guy has a sleeve tattoo, which reminded me of Rene. They are both a little badass and very different from me. Island guy is English though and so we share more of the same humour and cultural influences and he gets more of my nuances which is why I made him laugh so hard and he said I was very a very funny and witty girl. He’s also a traveller. It’s his lifestyle choices that are wildly different and his opinions fascinating. Rene is young and hasn’t developed as much “life fillings” as this guy. But they have similarities for sure.

He was busy but called because I was sad. We talked for a few hours and it was fun. But at the end when he wanted to hang up I got really sad and it showed. I don’t like to show my vulnerable side like that. But it came out. And I feel safe with him. I love that he is intuitive enough to pick up on my changes. He asked me to tell him why I was sad. But I didn’t because it was hard to say I feel really lonely and it was hard to return from being loved that way and sometimes I really want you to be mine.

I didn’t say it.

Life Wide Open

My focus is a little thrown now, because it is a deep thing, this kind of loneliness. And meeting him on the island, brought back all my carefree, traveller, live-for-now, struggle-is-okay, experience experience experience, love fast, kind of inclinations. That side of me has been quietened because I’m focused on work and adding long-term value to my life. No more short-term stuff. I’m thinking career and money and moving up etc. Now suddenly I remember all the non-monetary things and the fun of working in a bar or meeting shitloads of travellers… Fucked up my direction a bit.

Feeling lonely as a girl doesn’t help now, at this moment where I need to make big-girl independent decisions about my career.

And being reminded of my bohemian side also fucks up my focus, because now the OPTIONS I have for career are so wide open that I don’t know which to go for. It’s scary.

 

Tale As Old As Time

Things are good. Good changes at work, been back at creating art, hanging out with (new) friends and just overall carry on normal. I learnt from my parents that when I’m singing and joking at home, it’s an indicator that I’m doing okay. When they miss my humor, somethings up. Interesting!

I haven’t been to the gym or gotten fit as I resolved to. But I will.

I’ve been drawing and coloring. I love having something good to show at the end of it, and when other people can appreciate your work. That’s the fun of art and writing.

I did go on a date with the local guy. It was okay. We stayed out late, talking and it was nice but there were no butterflies nor any immense connection. I realize that normal dating can go this way, so I will see him again.

That was the plan, until he sent these texts which make him sound sticky/clingy/needy. This is a common problem I have experienced with the local guys I have dated. I hate that shit. “Why don’t you text me, you don’t like me?” Sometimes they mean it. Sometimes they just want you to make an outright expression that you like them.

It’s been one date. And we have been texting everyday since. To be honest it’s not that kind of giddy texting where you’re excited and giggly. It’s just texting. So several hours passed in silence and he sent that. Ugh. Please. It’s something girls do really, and even then I try my best not to do that shit. So I extra don’t like it when a guy does it. Plus we’re new to each other. Whyyyy do you feel the need to say this??

I’m not saying I super dislike him. But this is definitely a gigantic turnoff. Now it will require effort to look past it and still have room for attraction.

On the date, he kept saying it was going to be awkward. And I said stop talking about it. You just have to try. When it’s silent, talk. Then we can have a nice time. And I did a lot of that. I smiled, I joked, I went in for the hug hello to warm things up. He didn’t hold my hand, or try to be flirty or romantic or anything. It was just a get-to-know date.

Turns out he liked me and finds me beautiful. You wouldn’t know if you were sat there with us on that date, but shy-at-first is not a bad quality to have so it’s alright.

But keep that in mind, and then note that this week he talked about cuddles. And he signed off with this mushy stuff after saying how come I don’t like him blabla. Gah. One step at a time man.

In other news, Wine & Dine Guy never called back. It’s okay, I’m not waiting. Chapter over. However I did notice someone ELSE in his hometown put a heart on his FB wall. Just a heart. Is he up to no good there too? Hmm.

Things are good though.

Welcome Normalcy

So nice to not be emotionally tortured about anything. I am cherishing feeling “normal” (because experience says shit can happen whenever it wants. Sahprise!) while I can. Feels super good.

Been as busy as I’d like to be. Have as much free time as I need to chill. And enough stuff happening of the innocent nature, like chilling with friends and going to interesting things.

I’ve been to comedy nights and a poetry slam and a french restaurant and had vegetarian food in a trendy little corner… Good stuff.

Went out yesterday and was in bed before midnight — quite a contrast to last year where I was drinking/partying till 5am and the next day looking to do the same.

Rene called when I got home and we chatted randomly for an hour or so about nothing in particular. Really nice way to wind down the night. And nice to have a friend who cares what goes on in my life.

Got a friend in town who wants to go out for a catch-up. Invited to a chinese new year dinner. Single girls get together on valentine’s eve next week. A boy who wants to take me on a date — although he hasn’t set any real date yet. Friends motivating me to join a gym.

I don’t feel remotely restless.

This is nice.

 

Live Life, Whatever Comes

It is what it is. You can try to be balanced as possible, try to learn from the wisdom of others, try to understand, but life will always surprise you and you just need to get with it. It’s okay to fumble, okay to be clueless, okay to freak out. It hasn’t been easy to accept that, probably because I got too stuck on definitions. “That’s not me” or “that won’t happen to me”. Sometimes, it does. And when it does, you don’t have to read too much into everything. Sometimes things happen and it doesn’t have a worldly significance.

I’d say my year of madness has come to a close. But I realise there have been several pockets of my life that I considered exceptions from my actual life. Seeing as adversity comes in different forms at different times, I see now that I have to accept all of these adding up to my life. They aren’t exceptions. I was dealing with whatever was in front of me, and that’s all part of the journey. It may seem like ‘getting through this phase’ out the other end, but these are all chapters that tie together, however separate you imagine them to be. Life is made up of phases.

So maybe the madness continues. I don’t know. And no amount of preparation spares you from curveballs and obstacles.

It’s all okay.

Life at 27 is quite different from what I imagined. When I was younger, I was really focused on school, intelligence and achievement. Yes I sometimes envied the cool girls and wished the hot guys would pick me – the social stuff. But it was never the most important thing. I could prioritize what’s really important.

I suppose it irritates me that after 25, I am so focused on boys. When girls were falling apart from teenage heartbreak and failing exams, I could always focus on school/work when I needed to. Now when plagued by a boy problem, its on my mind all day all night. It feels pretty lame.

But I’ve also learnt to accept that about myself. I have my very girly side and girly needs. It’s okay not to be so bulletproof, so rational. Sometimes I get really emotionally shaken and that’s okay. I do want very much to find someone to love and  have all those fluffy feelings and that’s okay to desire that.

You see, Wine & Dine Guy shattered something for me in this latest episode. I know many guys are after hot girls. But I always prided myself in being about more than that, and that’s what I want in a man. I’m no model but I’m good-looking enough that if I tried I could fit the profile to attract men that way. But when I look around, I always have more admiration for the boys who are with girls casually in say…checkered-shirt and jeans, rather than those with a stunning lady in a skintight dress. Both invoke a little bit of admiration and envy. But in the end, I want the guy who likes me like that. And I like those girls much much more.

I did feel really really lousy realising that even the semi-geeky guy with great manners, a good brain, considerate and emotionally available, could fall for the charms of a scantily dressed girl and risk everything for that. He was supposed to be smarter than that. If he isnt, then who is? And if he isn’t loyal, what kind of man CAN you trust?

It has taken some effort to realise he doesn’t represent all good men. And it doesn’t mean I am not good enough.

I am incredibly self-aware and I am shaping up to be a good woman. That has always been important to me. That’s why even when I admired the popular kids, I never tried too hard to do as they did because I wanted to be proud of however I developed and that meant I wouldn’t pursue shallow things at the expense of tainting character.

It doesn’t feel good to be outdone by a girl in a skimpy outfit. But I know did right by me.

I don’t change to please one particular person. But I am proud of the changes I HAVE made in my life. There’s room for all kinds of people. Like it’s okay to be quiet and demure. But when I realised I wanted to be heard more, I learnt to speak up. When I realised I wasn’t stuck to dressing simple just to be respected, I expressed my creative side. When I realised I enjoyed socializing and dancing, I stepped into the party scene which I feared before because I didn’t like the pressure to be sexy and boy-crazy. I took small steps my way. That actually helped me blossom so much. I met so many people, learnt about the different kinds of chemistry, and learnt how interesting I could be. I learnt to relax and get out of my head. When I thought I read too much and admired other people’s exciting lives, I got out there and explored. When I couldn’t find friends to travel with, I took a giant leap and went away myself for 6 months. When I was ill, I faced the world and came out tops.

From reserved in fashion, from semi-tomboy, I’ve gone with how I felt and gone artsy, traveller-boheme, girly and womanly.

I know the different sides of me and I have brought them all out and made me. And I never sacrificed self-respect and intelligence. Why should I let one guy, who is admittedly having an identity crisis and making mistakes and weak in the flesh, change how I feel about developing into a well-rounded woman?

The people who have left the best impact on my self-image and confidence are the ones who appreciated that I was not a one-dimensional woman. I am not one of those who tries hard to be all rebellious and counter-culture. Neither am I one who wants to be a magazine girl, frail sweetiepie nor sexy vixen. I have a little bit of several things. And it is important to me to do the right thing and be a good person.

I won’t let him take that from me. I am a wonderful woman.

Maybe the path to finding a good partner is not to easy. But maybe its because I am not so ordinary to fall into the set stereotypes nor too extraordinary that I am on a mountain top for all to see. It does make me sad and lonely that it has to be so hard sometimes. But I know I have my pride. And when someone appreciates me, its for the real me and not some surface version made to impress people. Who are they that they deserve the effort of lying anyway?

There is no sunshiney answer. The journey is hard and sadness has its place in our hearts. But its not all doom and forlorn either. A woman has to build herself how she sees fit. And I am on my way.

 

 

 

 

Disappointing Evidence on Superficial trumping Quality

The Evidence — Demanding bitches, hot jerks, manipulative users, brown-nosed colleagues, buy-me-shit-if-you-love-me, cheating a good spouse for batshitcrazy younger lover. | We know full well the rhetoric on how people are shallow, the world is ugly, bladiblahblah. Sure there’s truth in that, lots of bad shit out there. However I also believed that when you do that, you are looking at a small slice of life and declaring it as a universal truth. There IS plenty of good; shit does happen but; you can associate yourself in circles where good things are more likely. Not like, good > bad, but like more good here > there. Seeing how much how often how prevalent it is though that people go (or fall) for the superficial over actual quality, is sad and kinda feeds disillusionment. Especially when they throw away something good to go for that fleeting pleasure of the superficial. Or worse if they pursue this superficial thing as if it is worth the effort.

I spoke with a friend about ‘life’ and she said yes, it seems that many of us in our age group seem to have hit a wall of disillusionment in our late 20s. I remember being so determined and positive to go after the good things in the world when I was younger. If you’re ever that sad, I thought, you need to make a change and you CAN. There’s always an out. Take it. The whole world is not a sad ugly shitty place. You just let bitterness take over for a while… but if you reposition yourself, again you will find the rainbow.

At 27, I know I’m less convinced. That made us sit there with this oh-dear upside down smiles on our faces.

What irks us is when we see the superficial and mean things triumph before our eyes, mostly when it is everyday occurrences and OBVIOUS things. Like the boot-licker in the office, switching in plain sight from lazy/whiney/mean to yesman/ubermotivated/omgilove it mode in an instant. When the boss is around or when they want something. And people fall for that shit!

How can there be that many people who do that? Who have the audacity to be so transparent? And how can that many people fall for that shit when its so obvious? Are so many of us so stupid and gullible? Or in some cases, enjoy being blind and delusional?

Often its not like they don’t know it is a suck-up. Or she’s using you. Or that the consequences will be ugly. But they can just blind and trynottothinkabout it and keep going. Do. Not. Understand.

In my school years, I had two experiences that surprised me. All my classmates hated one teacher who was unnecessarily mean and used personal insults on students. The one that put the kids down a lot. No one liked her.

I had one at age 9. When the music teacher got us to rehearse a farewell performance for the mean teacher, she made some students feel I guess that they ‘should’ be feeling be feeling sad about it. They acted like they were. Until I guess they actually started to believe they were. A few people started crying and then it spread. The next person and then the next. They said how sad they were and how they would miss her. The girls around me, we watched it happening and we said wtf this is weird why are they crying they dont even like her? Just because they teacher said they shld be sad they are acting this?

But eventually they were ALL crying as if they would miss her loads. Even those ones next to me. I didn’t. I sat there bewildered. It looked like the scene of complete dishonesty really. How can u fake emotion like that?

The teacher I had at age 17, she was a vain self-involved woman who had an amazing talent for manipulating people and making them her puppies. That is some power she has, I give her that. But she was cold and mean and enjoyed bringing people down. All throughout year 1 she insulted students and told them they weren’t worthy. People dropped out of school because of her. In year 2, we were the ones who made it and were therefore worthy i guess, so suddenly she was calling us darling and being sappy.

Everyone hated her year 1. They talked about it all the time. In Year 2, she turned on the charms and they all loved her so much that they delivered a personal thanks to her for the grades they got in the end. Its not like they only did well for her subject, but she made them somehow feel like a hero and she deserved a special personal thanks.

Uhm, hello? This woman was still mean to others, her tactic was still largely mean. Just because she turned on the smile now, you just play into her hands and act like she’s your god? The fuck….

 

So you can be a real shithead. But tomorrow, without apology, be really sweet and people will fall for it. People fall for the sucking up shit. Even when they know you want something from them.

I don’t get that. OBVIOUS sucking up and people like it. I would think if you’re so obvious, people turn around and say stop that bullshit sucking up, I can see right through it. But no. They like it and it works.

Girls who are absolute bitches. They turn on the charm when they want something, and 90% of guys fall for it. They do it to manipulate girl friends to do things for them too. And these people do it.

People who “change” their opinions when its convenient.

Boys who adore girlfriends who clearly want them for their money. Or women who go with men who only like them because of how they look.

 

Wine & Dine Guy choosing to throw away everything for some superficial attraction to a bitchy girl who clearly has bad character (and makes a mess of his life before her), is somehow worth his time and affection. He is willing to throw us away and risk his relationship with his girlfriend, reputation at home, and the image he has of himself as a good man… all for her batting of the eyelashes and that halloween-slut outfit she wore that was so close to showing the nipples of her almost-nonexistent breasts. Ok that was a cheap shot. But I’m sorry, I don’t see how you can think she is worth the risk when the context in which you met is so… degrading.

That is a hard thing to get over.

Not like guys haven’t fallen for the hot girl before. Yeah it happens. But never have I experienced it in this context when we already have a close relationship and been through shit and stuff. Worse still for his gf who he himself said is a great girl and deserves good things. Do they keep their brains in their asses when they are attracted to something that could be a bit of fun?

And it’s not like she’s AMAZINGLY attractive. She’s okay.

Of course in the first phase I felt like I wasn’t enough. That she was hotter or something. But she isn’t. And he was attracted to me, thats how we met. And he’s given me enough compliments to know that he likes how I look and who I am and all that jazz. This is about him (going through some weird phase). Not about her being better than me in any way.

It’s not like I don’t know what physical attraction is. I’ve fancied idiots before just because they are wildly  attractive. Yeah. But I see it for what it is. And I never pursue anything at the expense of someone else. If it hurt someone I cared about, i would quit it. Because its just at the beginning phase and shallow. Not like this.

If you are dating two rather new girls and choose one over the other? Not fun to be the loser, but fine.

But its different when you can throw ALL up in the air, for some floozy who comes along. Why the fuck is she worth it, really?

And you know if he just slept with this girl because she was right there and threw herself at him, it would deserve a fight too but u know how that happens. To pursue and talk to her and try to develop something with her? Long distance even? I dont get it. So fucking dumb.

Fun of opportunity is different from making an effort for someone shitty but surface-attractive.

At some point isnt your mind, your conscience, your adult brain and comprehension of human relationships (loyalty,  she has been good to me she doesnt deserve this, it would be wrong of me to do this, this is nothing but a temporary pleasure thats gonna fuck things up, this is a bad show of character) kick in?

I don’t want to say he owes me more. Its not a matter of obligation. But isn’t it in the nature of relationships that you have to be good to the ones in your life? Sometimes it does come down to that. Being a good person isn’t about just pursuing everything that you fancy whenever you fancy it. It’s about doing the right thing and doing right by the people in your life.

That was a long rant but it is truly something that bothers and saddens me.

The Best Article on Womanhood / Dating / Twentysomethings

There are countless lists diagnosing women in their twenties today. Our dating problems, life problems, challenges of being a woman — a kind of internet hug that we’re all going through the same thing and sometimes letting you know you have a problem you didn’t know you had. This is the best article I’ve read all year involving those topics of being twentysomething today, womanhood, feminist vs traditional choices challenges and consequences, dating trouble, career strains etc. How it all comes together when it comes to finding a good partner.

It says many things that I’ve been saying for a long time. More eloquently and provoking even more thought and new angles. It also isn’t quite so conclusive with a simple solution. It’s a really great read. Please do go read if you are a women in your twenties with a less than perfect love life. Even if you don’t like the title.

The Real Reason Twentysomething Women are Worried

Some excerpts:

Ross Douthat is very concerned about women’s happiness. Sunday, in his New York Times column, Douthat explained (using some rather stale data) that people with daughters might be more socially conservative because they’re worried about how societal acceptance of premarital sex and the trend toward late marriage are conspiring to create a generation of men who can’t commit — and are therefore forcing women to sit idly by as their biological clocks tick ever louder.

According to Douthat, the emotional infancy of twentysomething men — contrasted with the personal and professional focus of women their age — is the result of our collective cultural decision that it isn’t taboo to have sex before marriage. Nathaniel, like so many creative-class young men in Brooklyn, is “taking advantage of a social landscape in which sex has been decoupled from marriage but biology hasn’t been abolished,” Douthat writes. Nathaniel’s lovers want more commitment, but “he can afford to persistently withhold, feeling guilty but not that guilty about doing so.”

 

….

 

This is an epic misread of the timeline stresses that plague educated women in their twenties. Are we supposed to believe that the solution to a biological double-standard is a sexual double-standard? That women who want it all later in life must spend their youth prim and sexless, waiting for men to prove that they’ve got themselves together both professionally and emotionally? There’s one little problem: Welike sex. None of us are going back to a world in which we only put out once he’s put a (promise/engagement/wedding) ring on it.

….

 

READ ON!

 

Get Up and Try Again

The goal now is to erase the current set-back and get back to the starting point of post-Rai era. Also noticed some interesting things. Like feelings can change in an instant.

This is the third time I have found that a problem which weighs me down for a looooong frustrating period of time, can disappear in a fluff when you wake up one morning. Just like that. Of course you hammer at it for ages, trying to deal with it or solve it, but it doesn’t seem to ease up. But one day, it feels like it goes away in an instant. Weird. But interesting.

Secondly, I have noticed that sometimes things come from within. Our inner habits.

Like when I was a kid I had a “weird way” of holding my pencil. I was corrected. When I am tired or lost in a piece of art/writing, my fingers go back to that position.

I also used to bite my nails. But seriously when I was a weeeeeeee kid. Like 3 yrs old. My teacher helped me stop. I never felt the urge again. In this period of super stress with Rai, out of nowhere, I found myself biting my nails again. I couldn’t grow my usual long nails because I would have chomped one off before I realised. And even when I told myself not to, I would bite the rest of the nails too. Only this week did I realise that I’d stopped. I’ve managed to do quite a few manicures instead. So seriously, stress led to me biting my nails. Not just a theory. Hmm..

Makes me wonder if there’s one true self within.

Thirdly, accepting things you once rejected.

I could always wear dresses and always had long hair, but I was also a tomboy who could roll with the boys. I rejected pink and painted nails and fluffy ideas like girly sleepovers and giggles and dance-on-the-spot-screaming-over-something-exciting. These days, since finding my girlfriends while backpacking, I realised how much I appreciate the girly support system. It IS nice to have someone appreciate your dress, discuss your hair, cuddle you when you cry over stupid stuff — also something I didn’t use to do till recently — display insane amounts of excitement and gush over stuff.

The downside of that is the realization I lack girl friends. In your post-education 20s, its hard to pluck girlfriends out of thin air. These 2 live across the world. My old bestie is always busy and prefers the gay boys who give her girlier attention than I did. Also since she thinks sex with boys is gross. I have a new girlfriend who is a lifeline but is still really new and our differences are obvious at times. Like she has 2 kids but is often out partying with me, which is not something I could imagine ever doing half as often if I was a mum.

Still, every now and then you meet a girl you make an instant connection with and that is just as exciting as meeting a boy you connect with.

Next thing, seeking inspiration from other women. Like this blog, and reading others who go through shitty dating problems too, and strong women who go on screen to talk about women issues. Used to think, what’s this nonsense with “finding yourself” and “women’s issues”. Now, I totally appreciate it. Though many are still so full of shit. But I accept now, that cool as I am with the dude friends, inside I am an emotional being with many many thoughts, and the guidance of those before us does help.

Oh and another thing I used to “never do”…. When this girl flirted with my date, I wanted to poke her eyeballs out. Hers. Usually I don’t get mad, I would just feel disappointed in the guy. Or mad at him maybe. But this time, I looked at her and in my mind it said, get out of here you cheap bitch. Yeah. Classy thoughts. (She did though, look like that type of cheap girl. Who puts on tons of makeup, a skimpy outfit, knows how to look through her lashes and turn on her innocent/vixen mode and nab a guy she doesn’t even really want, without any regard for the fact he is already with a girl. So I stand by not liking her but, my anger at her? That was new. I didn’t do anything to her though, just called her names in my head).

In other news, I texted Rene and we said a brief hello. Brief, but chirpy and friendly. In it was our awesome sense of humour. And he addressed me by a nickname he’d made up for me. It made me smile. And I could sense the warmth from his end too. Neither of us want to throw away a friendship like this. Sometimes things end though and maybe this will. But for now its nice that we have still have our connection.

In other other news, but also totally the same,