Big Change

Lost my job. Stayed calm, focused on moving ahead very career-climb focused and no-nonsense. Followed through on plans for a weekend getaway. It was an amazing time but fucked up my calm. So, time to vent again. Today is the most nervous I have been since everything changed last week. Oddly enough because of a vacation.

What Happened

Several in my department were made redundant due to a change in strategy coming from the higher ups. I was assured it has nothing to do with my performance. I will be getting good references. That helps I suppose but it was still a shock and hard to stomach that you did well yet get thrown out. Everyone else in the office was also in shock by the news because our team has been consistently turning in good results. In fact we just broke a company record as the best performance ever. We’ve even gotten thank you emails from another department for consistently being their best support. Personally, I have been given more and more responsibilities which I carried out well and got good feedback.  Also, another department has been asking  repeatedly that I be transferred to them which gave me added job security because 2 teams were “fighting” for me. With that much positivity, who expects to lose their job?

What upset me more is that I really like the people and that’s not so easy to find. I spent my early time with the company being withdrawn because I was so upset about Rai stuff. I got out of that funk, made the effort to be social, and colleagues became friends. Close enough that we do lots of things together even outside work. Now I won’t get to see them as much. New office means new politics and that sucks…. These guys were a positive influence and I really liked learning and hanging out with them. Sucks to lose it.

Despite the gloom, my peers and the colleagues who worked with me on projects, all felt for me, sympathized and encouraged me. They definitely eased the blow. Everyone is helping me find new jobs — not just saying it but actually recommending me. It’s great. They helped me to be positive and just focus on what to do next. I dove straight into the next step. I wanted to keep going on the jobhunt but we’d already booked a weekend getaway to an island so I paused to do that.

It was a wonderful time. Time passes slowly and so fully. You feel like you have stayed there forever even though it was only 2 days. I snorkelled and kayaked etc. The group was fun and the place was beautiful. The ride home had a great roadtrip feel and we sang and laughed and it was super fun.

When A Super Good Times Makes You Sad About How Lonely Tomorrow Will Feel

The downside of it hit me though, because of how much fun it was, but the next day I wouldn’t be waking up to a job  and I wouldn’t be seeing these people as often. I was afraid of the stark contrast of loneliness to that very moment of elation, being surrounded by a whole group of friends making me laugh. I know it is stupid to ruin the moment, but I really liked this job and it was the one thing that kept me afloat when I was falling to pieces emotionally last year. So I felt sad.

I also met a guy on the island. Everyone else kinda turned in early but two of us girls stuck it out, tried to meet the other people on the island and party a little. It was a bit of a dud but very late in the day, good conversation sparked with person. It wasn’t about boy-girl really, just glad to be TALKING to someone, meeting someone interesting. That’s the best part of travelling. And parties. Or anything social. So it was good to find someone who had something to say.

All About Chemistry

It was very good conversation. My girlfriend, who is a fairly new friend, said something interesting about that. Based on my stories of boys she said earlier that same day,  “You always ‘have chemistry’ with guys”. She didn’t get what that means. The next day she said, “I saw you with him and how he talked to you and then I understood exactly what you meant about ‘chemistry’.” There it was.

I did think he was attractive but I wasn’t talking to him because of that. So we actually talked about nothing flirty or sexy. Just very interesting topics of all sorts, sharing opinions etc.

At some point attraction crept in. And some point later, I knew he was hooked.

It was very nice because it was gradual. We must have talked at that party for 2 hours. We were the last ones left, along with another couple. He took us all out to end of the jetty and looked out into the ocean under the night sky. We sat there talking for some time too. By then, there were just little touches.
I Forgot What It Felt Like

It has been a long time since I’ve experienced this. To meet someone, have that connection and grow gradually into the next step. It’s obvious you are drawn to each other, there’s something there. It’s not the same as having a spark with a boy at a party and it’s flirty and intentionally boy-girl from the get-go. This was slow. The attraction built. No one rushed it. There was no assumptions or plans to get laid. Instead it grows and you both feel it at the same time.

When they just touch your leg or your shoulder and you are so uber conscious about it. That feeling… oh that feeling…

It’s one of the most incredible things. Which is why, I felt starkly lonely returning home to nothing. I wanted a quick fix solution. To run out somewhere where you can find someone else to just fall into this way, to feel this. But you cannot find this stuff at will. I was tempted to run out and just go to a party and meet boys. But it’s all clubs here and it’s a much much different feel. It’s smutty and fast-forwarded. No romance.

I suppose that’s the word. Romance.

How it Makes Me Feel

It was a beautiful night. Connected, fun, sensual, natural. There was a lot of romance in the whole thing and also lots of laughter. We sat at the end of the jetty, we had our first kiss on the beach and wrapped around each other with long gazes, we laughed and we went to bed.

I woke up in his arms. We’d spent hours and hours awake together until we fell asleep most comfortably. I’ll write in the next post about the rest of the night. But for now this is about how I feel. And it ain’t good.

I am definitely tired of the transient stuff. But I didn’t realise how much I missed feeling this way. The boyfriend feel. To have someone be gentle and sweet. He massaged my foot when I complained of a pain, brushed my hair from my face, stroked my skin and admired all of me, we lay with my leg draped over him and his arm holding me to him. He soothed me when he saw that I was nervous/bothered about something. It’s all the caring things, the gentleness and the deep interest. When they make you feel absolutely beautiful and worthy and adored. He even brought out my wit and humour. I like when you don’t have to just play the surface card, when they stimulate your mind too and bring out all the best aspects of you.

I loved that he didn’t want to let me me sleep. That he wanted all my attention. That he made me laugh too.

At some point I just said I like you and rolled into him to sink in a hug. He pulled me right in and said I like you too.

When I needed to get up and get something, he refused. He got up and did it for me.

I have gotten so used to protecting my heart, expecting guys to leave and these come and go travellers. They have a way of bringing up beautiful feelings but they are so good at managing it the next day, if they need to let you go. I’ve gotten so used to that that I expect so little. I forget what it is to be adored. To be cared for and soothed. To be treated gently and your girly emotions make them soften. Essentially, forgotten how it feels to be treated like a girlfriend.

That’s why I felt super sad and alone coming home. How terrible it is that I’ve gotten used to cold day-afters and fleeting connections. How much I would love to have a partner I can keep, one who makes me feel this way and cares about my happiness in the long run. Who, when I’m with him, makes me feel like the world. And I have license to be loving back. Being able to verbalise I LIKE YOU is a big thing. It shouldn’t be, but it is. And it was really nice to have him reciprocate genuinely.

 

It Ended There, But Made Me Miss Someone Else

Unfortunately there is no fairytale ending for this story. Precisely why I had limits in the bedroom because it matters whether this is long-run or not. It felt beautiful but it could well be just for the night. I was aware that wouldn’t be enough for me. And it was. It is sad of course. But sadder that it’s so hard to find someone and I don’t have someone like that now.

It made me think of how long it has been. How nice it would be. And it made me miss Rene.  I don’t know what it is about Rene, whether I actually believe we’d have a good relationship. But we have a friendship-romance pendulum almost. I was certain we were jsut friends. But sometimes, like this, he’s the one I think about when I think about wanting to be with someone. Maybe it’s because we didn’t get together for distance only, or that he still calls me and we talk about everything, and we laugh but most of all it’s his tenderness. He’s kind of a tough guy but he is so tender sometimes with me.

This island guy has a sleeve tattoo, which reminded me of Rene. They are both a little badass and very different from me. Island guy is English though and so we share more of the same humour and cultural influences and he gets more of my nuances which is why I made him laugh so hard and he said I was very a very funny and witty girl. He’s also a traveller. It’s his lifestyle choices that are wildly different and his opinions fascinating. Rene is young and hasn’t developed as much “life fillings” as this guy. But they have similarities for sure.

He was busy but called because I was sad. We talked for a few hours and it was fun. But at the end when he wanted to hang up I got really sad and it showed. I don’t like to show my vulnerable side like that. But it came out. And I feel safe with him. I love that he is intuitive enough to pick up on my changes. He asked me to tell him why I was sad. But I didn’t because it was hard to say I feel really lonely and it was hard to return from being loved that way and sometimes I really want you to be mine.

I didn’t say it.

Life Wide Open

My focus is a little thrown now, because it is a deep thing, this kind of loneliness. And meeting him on the island, brought back all my carefree, traveller, live-for-now, struggle-is-okay, experience experience experience, love fast, kind of inclinations. That side of me has been quietened because I’m focused on work and adding long-term value to my life. No more short-term stuff. I’m thinking career and money and moving up etc. Now suddenly I remember all the non-monetary things and the fun of working in a bar or meeting shitloads of travellers… Fucked up my direction a bit.

Feeling lonely as a girl doesn’t help now, at this moment where I need to make big-girl independent decisions about my career.

And being reminded of my bohemian side also fucks up my focus, because now the OPTIONS I have for career are so wide open that I don’t know which to go for. It’s scary.