The Strange Onward

Things are a little difficult. I am a bit confused. I am caught in a place where I have enough to be thankful for and happy about, and feel weird for being sad about all the things I am sad about.

ONE

I have a great job. But I cannot stand my manager and everyday in the office is agony if it involves any actual communication with him.

I also report to someone one level above him, and we get on great. Not just in terms of friendly banter, but professionally he gives great directions. That’s how a boss should be. But how can I go around my manager to maintain healthy directions to maintain healthy performance?

TWO

I may have the opportunity to travel this year.

But I am not feeling good about my health, fitness, appearance. I worry about people talking in the office. I also wonder if I should do a better job of saving first, or should I make use of my 20s and just do this now although it means pretty much using my full paycheck every month.

THREE

With my social life being a bit lacklustre, I feel like I should commit to a new activity. For myself mainly, to be passionate about something that’s also social.

And that’s the second part, to just have a chance to meet new like-minded people.

If I travel, I will have to do it pretty independently. And it get’s pretty lonely out there. I would meet LOADS of people, but it would be the same as now — meeting lots of great people but only transiently. I’d love to make some deep lasting friendships. To have someone who will still be here in 5 years. Who I can call at midnight to go for pizza or have a sleepover or whine about the stupid things that pop in my head. You know, the simple things that make up a great trusty friendship.

FOUR

Being hurt by people you care about. That’s just hard. And it’s difficult to keep being positive.

FIVE

Health. For a person in my 20s I don’t care for the lousy news I’ve had from doctors. It’s not bad enough to have a full breakdown, but somedays the difficulty of it hits you and fear of how it could worse and affect your life…. And those days I want to stay inside and be sad.

Yes.I have days when I want to stay in and be sad. This is definitely not how one imagines one’s twenties.

The lack of support of a close partner — be it bestie or boyfriend — is fundamentally difficult. We go through a lot. And I like to talk things through. I appreciate support, second opinions, balance and also someone to love and share rainbow moments. You feel lame for complaining to people who aren’t as close. So you keep things inside. And suddenly the most commonplace of things, like couples holding hands or groups of girlfriends… suddenly pulls at your heartstrings. Those things were never noticeable before. And you find yourself wondering if you are actually honestly sad.

Quick Update: Life’s Roads

In the last episode: Got laid off. Got bummed out. Got enchanted by travel mode, fleeting charming guys. Got into lazy mode.
Today:

• Started new job that’s a definite upgrade (salary boost, industry leader, bigger responsibilites, potential to travel often)
• Living off credit cards because of 4 months of unemployment and not wanting to just rot at home. Can’t wait to settle those bills.
• New computer. Nerding out with PC games big time
• Boys still have cooties.
• Completely over the friendshomance or romanceship with Wine & Dine guy.
• Rarely think of Rai, except fondly.
• Good friends with Rene. The guy lives in Sweden and yet I can call him when I’m down and he’s there for me. Gem.
• Don’t crave parties/distractions as much. Have been going out still though and having some of those fun social things. Still hoping to meet more long-term friends though, ones to keep.
• No romantic stories.

I’ll fill in the interesting bits later. Like more dramatic guys who seem tough but have so much sensitive issues actually. I do sometimes feel like I am living some aspects of my life in reverse. I was so sane and responsible and drama-free as a teenager. Now I get more of this ridiculous drama situations, partying like a youngster and more inclined to feel like I’m lagging behind on the work front instead of chasing my full potential as I did when I was younger.

Overall I am very happy at the moment.

 

Big Change

Lost my job. Stayed calm, focused on moving ahead very career-climb focused and no-nonsense. Followed through on plans for a weekend getaway. It was an amazing time but fucked up my calm. So, time to vent again. Today is the most nervous I have been since everything changed last week. Oddly enough because of a vacation.

What Happened

Several in my department were made redundant due to a change in strategy coming from the higher ups. I was assured it has nothing to do with my performance. I will be getting good references. That helps I suppose but it was still a shock and hard to stomach that you did well yet get thrown out. Everyone else in the office was also in shock by the news because our team has been consistently turning in good results. In fact we just broke a company record as the best performance ever. We’ve even gotten thank you emails from another department for consistently being their best support. Personally, I have been given more and more responsibilities which I carried out well and got good feedback.  Also, another department has been asking  repeatedly that I be transferred to them which gave me added job security because 2 teams were “fighting” for me. With that much positivity, who expects to lose their job?

What upset me more is that I really like the people and that’s not so easy to find. I spent my early time with the company being withdrawn because I was so upset about Rai stuff. I got out of that funk, made the effort to be social, and colleagues became friends. Close enough that we do lots of things together even outside work. Now I won’t get to see them as much. New office means new politics and that sucks…. These guys were a positive influence and I really liked learning and hanging out with them. Sucks to lose it.

Despite the gloom, my peers and the colleagues who worked with me on projects, all felt for me, sympathized and encouraged me. They definitely eased the blow. Everyone is helping me find new jobs — not just saying it but actually recommending me. It’s great. They helped me to be positive and just focus on what to do next. I dove straight into the next step. I wanted to keep going on the jobhunt but we’d already booked a weekend getaway to an island so I paused to do that.

It was a wonderful time. Time passes slowly and so fully. You feel like you have stayed there forever even though it was only 2 days. I snorkelled and kayaked etc. The group was fun and the place was beautiful. The ride home had a great roadtrip feel and we sang and laughed and it was super fun.

When A Super Good Times Makes You Sad About How Lonely Tomorrow Will Feel

The downside of it hit me though, because of how much fun it was, but the next day I wouldn’t be waking up to a job  and I wouldn’t be seeing these people as often. I was afraid of the stark contrast of loneliness to that very moment of elation, being surrounded by a whole group of friends making me laugh. I know it is stupid to ruin the moment, but I really liked this job and it was the one thing that kept me afloat when I was falling to pieces emotionally last year. So I felt sad.

I also met a guy on the island. Everyone else kinda turned in early but two of us girls stuck it out, tried to meet the other people on the island and party a little. It was a bit of a dud but very late in the day, good conversation sparked with person. It wasn’t about boy-girl really, just glad to be TALKING to someone, meeting someone interesting. That’s the best part of travelling. And parties. Or anything social. So it was good to find someone who had something to say.

All About Chemistry

It was very good conversation. My girlfriend, who is a fairly new friend, said something interesting about that. Based on my stories of boys she said earlier that same day,  “You always ‘have chemistry’ with guys”. She didn’t get what that means. The next day she said, “I saw you with him and how he talked to you and then I understood exactly what you meant about ‘chemistry’.” There it was.

I did think he was attractive but I wasn’t talking to him because of that. So we actually talked about nothing flirty or sexy. Just very interesting topics of all sorts, sharing opinions etc.

At some point attraction crept in. And some point later, I knew he was hooked.

It was very nice because it was gradual. We must have talked at that party for 2 hours. We were the last ones left, along with another couple. He took us all out to end of the jetty and looked out into the ocean under the night sky. We sat there talking for some time too. By then, there were just little touches.
I Forgot What It Felt Like

It has been a long time since I’ve experienced this. To meet someone, have that connection and grow gradually into the next step. It’s obvious you are drawn to each other, there’s something there. It’s not the same as having a spark with a boy at a party and it’s flirty and intentionally boy-girl from the get-go. This was slow. The attraction built. No one rushed it. There was no assumptions or plans to get laid. Instead it grows and you both feel it at the same time.

When they just touch your leg or your shoulder and you are so uber conscious about it. That feeling… oh that feeling…

It’s one of the most incredible things. Which is why, I felt starkly lonely returning home to nothing. I wanted a quick fix solution. To run out somewhere where you can find someone else to just fall into this way, to feel this. But you cannot find this stuff at will. I was tempted to run out and just go to a party and meet boys. But it’s all clubs here and it’s a much much different feel. It’s smutty and fast-forwarded. No romance.

I suppose that’s the word. Romance.

How it Makes Me Feel

It was a beautiful night. Connected, fun, sensual, natural. There was a lot of romance in the whole thing and also lots of laughter. We sat at the end of the jetty, we had our first kiss on the beach and wrapped around each other with long gazes, we laughed and we went to bed.

I woke up in his arms. We’d spent hours and hours awake together until we fell asleep most comfortably. I’ll write in the next post about the rest of the night. But for now this is about how I feel. And it ain’t good.

I am definitely tired of the transient stuff. But I didn’t realise how much I missed feeling this way. The boyfriend feel. To have someone be gentle and sweet. He massaged my foot when I complained of a pain, brushed my hair from my face, stroked my skin and admired all of me, we lay with my leg draped over him and his arm holding me to him. He soothed me when he saw that I was nervous/bothered about something. It’s all the caring things, the gentleness and the deep interest. When they make you feel absolutely beautiful and worthy and adored. He even brought out my wit and humour. I like when you don’t have to just play the surface card, when they stimulate your mind too and bring out all the best aspects of you.

I loved that he didn’t want to let me me sleep. That he wanted all my attention. That he made me laugh too.

At some point I just said I like you and rolled into him to sink in a hug. He pulled me right in and said I like you too.

When I needed to get up and get something, he refused. He got up and did it for me.

I have gotten so used to protecting my heart, expecting guys to leave and these come and go travellers. They have a way of bringing up beautiful feelings but they are so good at managing it the next day, if they need to let you go. I’ve gotten so used to that that I expect so little. I forget what it is to be adored. To be cared for and soothed. To be treated gently and your girly emotions make them soften. Essentially, forgotten how it feels to be treated like a girlfriend.

That’s why I felt super sad and alone coming home. How terrible it is that I’ve gotten used to cold day-afters and fleeting connections. How much I would love to have a partner I can keep, one who makes me feel this way and cares about my happiness in the long run. Who, when I’m with him, makes me feel like the world. And I have license to be loving back. Being able to verbalise I LIKE YOU is a big thing. It shouldn’t be, but it is. And it was really nice to have him reciprocate genuinely.

 

It Ended There, But Made Me Miss Someone Else

Unfortunately there is no fairytale ending for this story. Precisely why I had limits in the bedroom because it matters whether this is long-run or not. It felt beautiful but it could well be just for the night. I was aware that wouldn’t be enough for me. And it was. It is sad of course. But sadder that it’s so hard to find someone and I don’t have someone like that now.

It made me think of how long it has been. How nice it would be. And it made me miss Rene.  I don’t know what it is about Rene, whether I actually believe we’d have a good relationship. But we have a friendship-romance pendulum almost. I was certain we were jsut friends. But sometimes, like this, he’s the one I think about when I think about wanting to be with someone. Maybe it’s because we didn’t get together for distance only, or that he still calls me and we talk about everything, and we laugh but most of all it’s his tenderness. He’s kind of a tough guy but he is so tender sometimes with me.

This island guy has a sleeve tattoo, which reminded me of Rene. They are both a little badass and very different from me. Island guy is English though and so we share more of the same humour and cultural influences and he gets more of my nuances which is why I made him laugh so hard and he said I was very a very funny and witty girl. He’s also a traveller. It’s his lifestyle choices that are wildly different and his opinions fascinating. Rene is young and hasn’t developed as much “life fillings” as this guy. But they have similarities for sure.

He was busy but called because I was sad. We talked for a few hours and it was fun. But at the end when he wanted to hang up I got really sad and it showed. I don’t like to show my vulnerable side like that. But it came out. And I feel safe with him. I love that he is intuitive enough to pick up on my changes. He asked me to tell him why I was sad. But I didn’t because it was hard to say I feel really lonely and it was hard to return from being loved that way and sometimes I really want you to be mine.

I didn’t say it.

Life Wide Open

My focus is a little thrown now, because it is a deep thing, this kind of loneliness. And meeting him on the island, brought back all my carefree, traveller, live-for-now, struggle-is-okay, experience experience experience, love fast, kind of inclinations. That side of me has been quietened because I’m focused on work and adding long-term value to my life. No more short-term stuff. I’m thinking career and money and moving up etc. Now suddenly I remember all the non-monetary things and the fun of working in a bar or meeting shitloads of travellers… Fucked up my direction a bit.

Feeling lonely as a girl doesn’t help now, at this moment where I need to make big-girl independent decisions about my career.

And being reminded of my bohemian side also fucks up my focus, because now the OPTIONS I have for career are so wide open that I don’t know which to go for. It’s scary.

 

Live Life, Whatever Comes

It is what it is. You can try to be balanced as possible, try to learn from the wisdom of others, try to understand, but life will always surprise you and you just need to get with it. It’s okay to fumble, okay to be clueless, okay to freak out. It hasn’t been easy to accept that, probably because I got too stuck on definitions. “That’s not me” or “that won’t happen to me”. Sometimes, it does. And when it does, you don’t have to read too much into everything. Sometimes things happen and it doesn’t have a worldly significance.

I’d say my year of madness has come to a close. But I realise there have been several pockets of my life that I considered exceptions from my actual life. Seeing as adversity comes in different forms at different times, I see now that I have to accept all of these adding up to my life. They aren’t exceptions. I was dealing with whatever was in front of me, and that’s all part of the journey. It may seem like ‘getting through this phase’ out the other end, but these are all chapters that tie together, however separate you imagine them to be. Life is made up of phases.

So maybe the madness continues. I don’t know. And no amount of preparation spares you from curveballs and obstacles.

It’s all okay.

Life at 27 is quite different from what I imagined. When I was younger, I was really focused on school, intelligence and achievement. Yes I sometimes envied the cool girls and wished the hot guys would pick me – the social stuff. But it was never the most important thing. I could prioritize what’s really important.

I suppose it irritates me that after 25, I am so focused on boys. When girls were falling apart from teenage heartbreak and failing exams, I could always focus on school/work when I needed to. Now when plagued by a boy problem, its on my mind all day all night. It feels pretty lame.

But I’ve also learnt to accept that about myself. I have my very girly side and girly needs. It’s okay not to be so bulletproof, so rational. Sometimes I get really emotionally shaken and that’s okay. I do want very much to find someone to love and  have all those fluffy feelings and that’s okay to desire that.

You see, Wine & Dine Guy shattered something for me in this latest episode. I know many guys are after hot girls. But I always prided myself in being about more than that, and that’s what I want in a man. I’m no model but I’m good-looking enough that if I tried I could fit the profile to attract men that way. But when I look around, I always have more admiration for the boys who are with girls casually in say…checkered-shirt and jeans, rather than those with a stunning lady in a skintight dress. Both invoke a little bit of admiration and envy. But in the end, I want the guy who likes me like that. And I like those girls much much more.

I did feel really really lousy realising that even the semi-geeky guy with great manners, a good brain, considerate and emotionally available, could fall for the charms of a scantily dressed girl and risk everything for that. He was supposed to be smarter than that. If he isnt, then who is? And if he isn’t loyal, what kind of man CAN you trust?

It has taken some effort to realise he doesn’t represent all good men. And it doesn’t mean I am not good enough.

I am incredibly self-aware and I am shaping up to be a good woman. That has always been important to me. That’s why even when I admired the popular kids, I never tried too hard to do as they did because I wanted to be proud of however I developed and that meant I wouldn’t pursue shallow things at the expense of tainting character.

It doesn’t feel good to be outdone by a girl in a skimpy outfit. But I know did right by me.

I don’t change to please one particular person. But I am proud of the changes I HAVE made in my life. There’s room for all kinds of people. Like it’s okay to be quiet and demure. But when I realised I wanted to be heard more, I learnt to speak up. When I realised I wasn’t stuck to dressing simple just to be respected, I expressed my creative side. When I realised I enjoyed socializing and dancing, I stepped into the party scene which I feared before because I didn’t like the pressure to be sexy and boy-crazy. I took small steps my way. That actually helped me blossom so much. I met so many people, learnt about the different kinds of chemistry, and learnt how interesting I could be. I learnt to relax and get out of my head. When I thought I read too much and admired other people’s exciting lives, I got out there and explored. When I couldn’t find friends to travel with, I took a giant leap and went away myself for 6 months. When I was ill, I faced the world and came out tops.

From reserved in fashion, from semi-tomboy, I’ve gone with how I felt and gone artsy, traveller-boheme, girly and womanly.

I know the different sides of me and I have brought them all out and made me. And I never sacrificed self-respect and intelligence. Why should I let one guy, who is admittedly having an identity crisis and making mistakes and weak in the flesh, change how I feel about developing into a well-rounded woman?

The people who have left the best impact on my self-image and confidence are the ones who appreciated that I was not a one-dimensional woman. I am not one of those who tries hard to be all rebellious and counter-culture. Neither am I one who wants to be a magazine girl, frail sweetiepie nor sexy vixen. I have a little bit of several things. And it is important to me to do the right thing and be a good person.

I won’t let him take that from me. I am a wonderful woman.

Maybe the path to finding a good partner is not to easy. But maybe its because I am not so ordinary to fall into the set stereotypes nor too extraordinary that I am on a mountain top for all to see. It does make me sad and lonely that it has to be so hard sometimes. But I know I have my pride. And when someone appreciates me, its for the real me and not some surface version made to impress people. Who are they that they deserve the effort of lying anyway?

There is no sunshiney answer. The journey is hard and sadness has its place in our hearts. But its not all doom and forlorn either. A woman has to build herself how she sees fit. And I am on my way.

 

 

 

 

When Life’s Lessons Messes with your Head & Heart

I have always believed that women of quality are appreciated when people get to know them. It might be hard for someone to catch sight of your glimmer through the seas of the superficial attention-grabbing girls. But once a man gives it a chance, once he knows you, he will take far more pleasure in the company of a woman who has depth, intelligence and kindness. All the things your momma teaches you and your lady teachers try to inculcate in you. Depth > Looks.  Intelligence > Sexy (alone). I am in danger of losing that belief.

Too much has changed recently. In December I came dangerously close to being truly jaded. Friendships, relationships, honesty and human connections. But I made it through and I’m still me.

However, I spoke to Wine & Dine Guy and he said if he lived here, he would go out with her. The other girl. The one who was a stranger until she met him, provocatively dressed, seductively moving in, while he was out with another girl — me. Seduction, cheating, dishonesty — he met her in those context. And still he thinks well of her, as someone he would be with if the circumstances were different. Dear friends, this is a mindfuck.

This man has a good girl at home.

This man knows me. We jumped through hoops to be friends. So evolved an undemanding relationship. This man knows me and talked to me with kindness and in deep conversations about all the important things in life — intense and revealing. We talked about problems and supported each other. He saw me as intelligent, fun, kind, forgiving and a very real person who was in a rough spot but still having fun and bringing smiles to others, trying hard to get out of a hole. I know because he showed it but he even verbalised how wonderful a woman I was when he had no sexy motivations/goals at the end of it. He spoke of his hard experience with betrayal and egged me on. He said I was worth a lot and deserved to be picky.

This man, says he likes this girl because she is “so emotional” and its refreshing because its so different from people like us. This man who saw me cry, with raw emotion. It was not dramatic selfish crying, it was I am trying to keep my head up here but this fucking hurts crying. That was emotion.

What he is saying about her now, tells me he is more attracted to either (a) more fragile, or (b) more likely to go batshit crazy. The unstable pretty girl who speaks in extremes. He likes that kind of emotional. What?

Don’t women try to be LESS emotional and LESS demanding because it irks men? Don’t we try to be more rational because it meets them halfway?

Don’t grown men prefer women who have their own backbone, who are unsuffocating, but gentle to them and show them they are needed/desired? Isn’t that what we’ve be aspiring to be? How can the opposite be true?

And it’s not like he and I were just boring and serious and deep. We were fun, we had the sexy, we were cosy too. How can after all, when he thinks of a rship, he thinks of her?

Do men really still value the superficial? They like the hot ones who are crazy and broken and needy?

We’ve been through stuff. That meant something to me. We were great on our own, he liked me plenty and wanted to see me. I didn’t ask. He did. He kept coming.

But an external interference and suddenly I am chucked. What is that?

I know this has all the makings of a man who wants an affair. She has all the qualities of a mistress. But he was talking to me telling me how she is not like I think, she’s actually nice.

Nice.

When a girl is dressed provocatively and stealing you from your date, you think she’s nice. When she’s pursuing you long-distance. When you have a girlfriend and cheating a friend’s feelings to talk to her. You think she’s nice.

I don’t understand. Am I aspiring to be a great woman only to be left collecting more dust while men go for those cliches with little substance? I’m getting to my 30s. The real men who value real partners are supposed to be coming out now. What the fuck is this? Is there no reward for being the best woman you can be?

 

 

 

 

 

Disappointing Evidence on Superficial trumping Quality

The Evidence — Demanding bitches, hot jerks, manipulative users, brown-nosed colleagues, buy-me-shit-if-you-love-me, cheating a good spouse for batshitcrazy younger lover. | We know full well the rhetoric on how people are shallow, the world is ugly, bladiblahblah. Sure there’s truth in that, lots of bad shit out there. However I also believed that when you do that, you are looking at a small slice of life and declaring it as a universal truth. There IS plenty of good; shit does happen but; you can associate yourself in circles where good things are more likely. Not like, good > bad, but like more good here > there. Seeing how much how often how prevalent it is though that people go (or fall) for the superficial over actual quality, is sad and kinda feeds disillusionment. Especially when they throw away something good to go for that fleeting pleasure of the superficial. Or worse if they pursue this superficial thing as if it is worth the effort.

I spoke with a friend about ‘life’ and she said yes, it seems that many of us in our age group seem to have hit a wall of disillusionment in our late 20s. I remember being so determined and positive to go after the good things in the world when I was younger. If you’re ever that sad, I thought, you need to make a change and you CAN. There’s always an out. Take it. The whole world is not a sad ugly shitty place. You just let bitterness take over for a while… but if you reposition yourself, again you will find the rainbow.

At 27, I know I’m less convinced. That made us sit there with this oh-dear upside down smiles on our faces.

What irks us is when we see the superficial and mean things triumph before our eyes, mostly when it is everyday occurrences and OBVIOUS things. Like the boot-licker in the office, switching in plain sight from lazy/whiney/mean to yesman/ubermotivated/omgilove it mode in an instant. When the boss is around or when they want something. And people fall for that shit!

How can there be that many people who do that? Who have the audacity to be so transparent? And how can that many people fall for that shit when its so obvious? Are so many of us so stupid and gullible? Or in some cases, enjoy being blind and delusional?

Often its not like they don’t know it is a suck-up. Or she’s using you. Or that the consequences will be ugly. But they can just blind and trynottothinkabout it and keep going. Do. Not. Understand.

In my school years, I had two experiences that surprised me. All my classmates hated one teacher who was unnecessarily mean and used personal insults on students. The one that put the kids down a lot. No one liked her.

I had one at age 9. When the music teacher got us to rehearse a farewell performance for the mean teacher, she made some students feel I guess that they ‘should’ be feeling be feeling sad about it. They acted like they were. Until I guess they actually started to believe they were. A few people started crying and then it spread. The next person and then the next. They said how sad they were and how they would miss her. The girls around me, we watched it happening and we said wtf this is weird why are they crying they dont even like her? Just because they teacher said they shld be sad they are acting this?

But eventually they were ALL crying as if they would miss her loads. Even those ones next to me. I didn’t. I sat there bewildered. It looked like the scene of complete dishonesty really. How can u fake emotion like that?

The teacher I had at age 17, she was a vain self-involved woman who had an amazing talent for manipulating people and making them her puppies. That is some power she has, I give her that. But she was cold and mean and enjoyed bringing people down. All throughout year 1 she insulted students and told them they weren’t worthy. People dropped out of school because of her. In year 2, we were the ones who made it and were therefore worthy i guess, so suddenly she was calling us darling and being sappy.

Everyone hated her year 1. They talked about it all the time. In Year 2, she turned on the charms and they all loved her so much that they delivered a personal thanks to her for the grades they got in the end. Its not like they only did well for her subject, but she made them somehow feel like a hero and she deserved a special personal thanks.

Uhm, hello? This woman was still mean to others, her tactic was still largely mean. Just because she turned on the smile now, you just play into her hands and act like she’s your god? The fuck….

 

So you can be a real shithead. But tomorrow, without apology, be really sweet and people will fall for it. People fall for the sucking up shit. Even when they know you want something from them.

I don’t get that. OBVIOUS sucking up and people like it. I would think if you’re so obvious, people turn around and say stop that bullshit sucking up, I can see right through it. But no. They like it and it works.

Girls who are absolute bitches. They turn on the charm when they want something, and 90% of guys fall for it. They do it to manipulate girl friends to do things for them too. And these people do it.

People who “change” their opinions when its convenient.

Boys who adore girlfriends who clearly want them for their money. Or women who go with men who only like them because of how they look.

 

Wine & Dine Guy choosing to throw away everything for some superficial attraction to a bitchy girl who clearly has bad character (and makes a mess of his life before her), is somehow worth his time and affection. He is willing to throw us away and risk his relationship with his girlfriend, reputation at home, and the image he has of himself as a good man… all for her batting of the eyelashes and that halloween-slut outfit she wore that was so close to showing the nipples of her almost-nonexistent breasts. Ok that was a cheap shot. But I’m sorry, I don’t see how you can think she is worth the risk when the context in which you met is so… degrading.

That is a hard thing to get over.

Not like guys haven’t fallen for the hot girl before. Yeah it happens. But never have I experienced it in this context when we already have a close relationship and been through shit and stuff. Worse still for his gf who he himself said is a great girl and deserves good things. Do they keep their brains in their asses when they are attracted to something that could be a bit of fun?

And it’s not like she’s AMAZINGLY attractive. She’s okay.

Of course in the first phase I felt like I wasn’t enough. That she was hotter or something. But she isn’t. And he was attracted to me, thats how we met. And he’s given me enough compliments to know that he likes how I look and who I am and all that jazz. This is about him (going through some weird phase). Not about her being better than me in any way.

It’s not like I don’t know what physical attraction is. I’ve fancied idiots before just because they are wildly  attractive. Yeah. But I see it for what it is. And I never pursue anything at the expense of someone else. If it hurt someone I cared about, i would quit it. Because its just at the beginning phase and shallow. Not like this.

If you are dating two rather new girls and choose one over the other? Not fun to be the loser, but fine.

But its different when you can throw ALL up in the air, for some floozy who comes along. Why the fuck is she worth it, really?

And you know if he just slept with this girl because she was right there and threw herself at him, it would deserve a fight too but u know how that happens. To pursue and talk to her and try to develop something with her? Long distance even? I dont get it. So fucking dumb.

Fun of opportunity is different from making an effort for someone shitty but surface-attractive.

At some point isnt your mind, your conscience, your adult brain and comprehension of human relationships (loyalty,  she has been good to me she doesnt deserve this, it would be wrong of me to do this, this is nothing but a temporary pleasure thats gonna fuck things up, this is a bad show of character) kick in?

I don’t want to say he owes me more. Its not a matter of obligation. But isn’t it in the nature of relationships that you have to be good to the ones in your life? Sometimes it does come down to that. Being a good person isn’t about just pursuing everything that you fancy whenever you fancy it. It’s about doing the right thing and doing right by the people in your life.

That was a long rant but it is truly something that bothers and saddens me.

Get Up and Try Again

The goal now is to erase the current set-back and get back to the starting point of post-Rai era. Also noticed some interesting things. Like feelings can change in an instant.

This is the third time I have found that a problem which weighs me down for a looooong frustrating period of time, can disappear in a fluff when you wake up one morning. Just like that. Of course you hammer at it for ages, trying to deal with it or solve it, but it doesn’t seem to ease up. But one day, it feels like it goes away in an instant. Weird. But interesting.

Secondly, I have noticed that sometimes things come from within. Our inner habits.

Like when I was a kid I had a “weird way” of holding my pencil. I was corrected. When I am tired or lost in a piece of art/writing, my fingers go back to that position.

I also used to bite my nails. But seriously when I was a weeeeeeee kid. Like 3 yrs old. My teacher helped me stop. I never felt the urge again. In this period of super stress with Rai, out of nowhere, I found myself biting my nails again. I couldn’t grow my usual long nails because I would have chomped one off before I realised. And even when I told myself not to, I would bite the rest of the nails too. Only this week did I realise that I’d stopped. I’ve managed to do quite a few manicures instead. So seriously, stress led to me biting my nails. Not just a theory. Hmm..

Makes me wonder if there’s one true self within.

Thirdly, accepting things you once rejected.

I could always wear dresses and always had long hair, but I was also a tomboy who could roll with the boys. I rejected pink and painted nails and fluffy ideas like girly sleepovers and giggles and dance-on-the-spot-screaming-over-something-exciting. These days, since finding my girlfriends while backpacking, I realised how much I appreciate the girly support system. It IS nice to have someone appreciate your dress, discuss your hair, cuddle you when you cry over stupid stuff — also something I didn’t use to do till recently — display insane amounts of excitement and gush over stuff.

The downside of that is the realization I lack girl friends. In your post-education 20s, its hard to pluck girlfriends out of thin air. These 2 live across the world. My old bestie is always busy and prefers the gay boys who give her girlier attention than I did. Also since she thinks sex with boys is gross. I have a new girlfriend who is a lifeline but is still really new and our differences are obvious at times. Like she has 2 kids but is often out partying with me, which is not something I could imagine ever doing half as often if I was a mum.

Still, every now and then you meet a girl you make an instant connection with and that is just as exciting as meeting a boy you connect with.

Next thing, seeking inspiration from other women. Like this blog, and reading others who go through shitty dating problems too, and strong women who go on screen to talk about women issues. Used to think, what’s this nonsense with “finding yourself” and “women’s issues”. Now, I totally appreciate it. Though many are still so full of shit. But I accept now, that cool as I am with the dude friends, inside I am an emotional being with many many thoughts, and the guidance of those before us does help.

Oh and another thing I used to “never do”…. When this girl flirted with my date, I wanted to poke her eyeballs out. Hers. Usually I don’t get mad, I would just feel disappointed in the guy. Or mad at him maybe. But this time, I looked at her and in my mind it said, get out of here you cheap bitch. Yeah. Classy thoughts. (She did though, look like that type of cheap girl. Who puts on tons of makeup, a skimpy outfit, knows how to look through her lashes and turn on her innocent/vixen mode and nab a guy she doesn’t even really want, without any regard for the fact he is already with a girl. So I stand by not liking her but, my anger at her? That was new. I didn’t do anything to her though, just called her names in my head).

In other news, I texted Rene and we said a brief hello. Brief, but chirpy and friendly. In it was our awesome sense of humour. And he addressed me by a nickname he’d made up for me. It made me smile. And I could sense the warmth from his end too. Neither of us want to throw away a friendship like this. Sometimes things end though and maybe this will. But for now its nice that we have still have our connection.

In other other news, but also totally the same,

The Funny Way Things Work

When you’re down, I believe it is important to hold on to the thought that everything will work out in the end. You’re allowed to fuss and fret now, it’s natural, but you have to believe the destination is positive for the journey to work. After a difficult year, things seem to be coming around now and soon perhaps I can step back and see the whole picture.

The Journey, Before

When I opened up to Rai, I lost interest in all other boys. When he hurt me, I ran toward many boys for quick fixes. Then I met a guy who was truly an adult and took me on the best dates and was respectful — he reminded me what it should be like, the kind of guys I needed to date now, that there are good guys out there with whom it just fits, sans drama. (He was only in town for a period so we didn’t carry on). I realised I felt best in this kind of pairing.

Then I stopped pinning too much hope on guys and took fun for fun. But then I learnt I might have become too removed/casual as I got accused for the first time of “using him” — I got used to boys behaving this way and by adopting a similar attitude to deal with it, I realised I was in danger of becoming the ‘bad guy’ if I come across a genuine good guy; not something I want. So I stopped.

All this while I was still waiting for Rai.

Then I went on my trip. I said I would go with the flow, party and have fun with the local boys who would surely find me exotic. Instead I discovered a magnetic attraction to one guy. And an easy connection with another. But both weren’t quite available. I sulked at first, but it reminds me there are compatible guys out there where you don’t have to try hard, you just like each other. I couldn’t have these guys, but it was a reminder.

I went to Rai’s hometown. I couldn’t meet him. I closed the chapter.

The Crossroads, Now

I returned home happy, fixed and able to relax and not so focused on men anymore. A relief.

Rene, one of the two boys from the trip, texts me day and night. I enjoy the pursuit — this is how it is when a boy likes you. He’s now single and I think he’d be great to date — the fun relationship I missed in my younger years. But I see grey areas and I learn to draw my lines rather than being strung along with hope alone, only to be disappointed later. I spoke clearly, and he realised he’s not ready. Disappointing, but better now than later.

Sad, I think about the string of disappointments. I hate that it’s when I let down my guard and believe them, that they somehow turn around and let me down. I allow myself thoughts of Rai that I’ve been avoiding for a while. After 4 months of silence, I no longer reject the possibility that he abandoned me. I send a brief email expressing the sense of betrayal, expecting nothing back. Ever. An honest letter sent into the abyss.

The Big Reveal, NOW now

I get an e-mail back. Finally, news from Rai. His friend has his phone and lets me know Rai asked him to write to me a few weeks ago. He can’t give me details but Rai can contact me in a couple of months. He is in a rough spot but doing okay otherwise. Rai feels torn up that he can’t write me. His friend passes along a kiss and a hug. Friend says I must be pretty special and a nice lady, or else Rai wouldn’t have asked him to do this.

It means a great deal to me to hear from him. And that he got a friend involved. I’ve learnt that men are often very private about these things, about feelings and women. Unlike girls who must discuss everything from the moment they fancy someone. Coming out from being a secret woman his friends don’t know about, is an important marker.

His friend’s comment also gives me some clue as to Rai’s character. He must know Rai as the widower who has had no interest in women for a while. His statement, that I must be a special lady, means something.

Rai wrote me today, briefly. He’s sorry it’s been so long. He said his life has changed and his life is difficult now. But he promised he wouldn’t leave without a word so he will write. Signed off with kisses.

Where I Stand
I still don’t know exactly what happened. But it sounds foreboding. I don’t know if I want to know now, or when he is free to call me. Maybe I can distance myself and accept this is Rai’s problem. My recent happiness after all came from abandoning the hope that Rai and I will be together ever. So it might be good for me to not-know until he has time to tell me.

On the other hand, 4 months of not knowing… I kinda want to know now. But afraid it will taint my happiness. If I can have 3 more months of blissful  happiness, then maybe I should take it.

In any case, I am glad to hear he’s safe. Though unfortunate he is in some sort of pickle. But I do hope it will shake him out of making these bad decisions he has been making lately… And it’s a giant relief that he doesn’t think of me as nothing. That this was not a joke. I still mean something to him, even if there’s no future in that. What we had remains special.

So it feels like the full picture is coming around. I had to move away from drowning in Rai before getting answers. I have grown alone. And now I am better prepared for whatever comes next. At this point, I want to talk to him but I don’t see us getting together. I see him almost like an ex. I will not saying anything with finality. But it would require Rai making the huge effort for anything to happen in future, I will not fly out for him again. I will not be just his support as and when he needs.

What’s important is that I feel good now. A little worried, but making sure it doesn’t overwhelm me as it once did. The road ahead is open and I am excited to see what comes next.

 

Europe and Back

Hi all. I did my 2 weeks in Europe and I feel great. I think the Rai chapter may finally be closed. The only thing left is what is said if/when he comes back. But I think my heart is healed now.

The trip was really great. Though I was technically travelling alone, I met friends at almost every stop such that I got to experience the local way of life for the most part.

Before Holland, I was with some good friends who introduced me to their good friends. These friends had already heard much about me from the girls, so they were actually excited to meet me — which is realy really nice when you are new somewhere. They were so welcoming, that it quickly felt like I lived there and these were my friends too. I saw the same faces everyday, at house parties and casual meet-ups. So it felt very much like slipping into a real-life circle of very real people, rather than casual traveler-strangers who are instant friends for some very transient activities.

This was amazing and warming. The downside however was that it gets you far more attached. I do wish I could live there and hang out more with them. I find things at home pretty dull sometimes. Out there people move out quickly and develop quicker into their own person, and socialize far more in their 20s. I quite liked that. Makes for far more interesting company and friends are happier to join u at the last minute for something random.

I will get into the story of the only complicated bit later, but for now I will say I did meet great people.

The rest of the trip was also really good. There was less partying than I was prepped for, and I spent most of time in museums and museum shops rather than actually wandering about European streets in pretty heels and sipping coffee. Much to do! And I was so busy, sleep was often scarce. It means though that I really got the most of my time away.
Travelling between cities was not much a hassle. My backpack did a good job. And I felt pretty cool :p

Some friends came out of the wind at the last minute to host me, cook me dinner, take me out for drinks in cities where I thought I’d be alone. It was lovely.

Museums, quality dinners and great house parties are what I experienced most on this trip.

I also like that I was always busy/entertained enough to get out of my head and live rather than dwell on bad thoughts. Even when I had 2 days on a beach alone, I was happy taking in the scene rather than embroiled in sad thoughts of Rai, though at this point he only lived 20mins away from where I was.

I cannot deny that seeing couples made me miss having someone. A lot. And babies made me feel very much that I am keen to get on to that stage of my life, settling down with a good MAN and start a family.

But also it’s clear I want to live in Europe, so its good I have the mobility now to make such a big change in my life.

There was still after-party crying for the first 5 days. But I had the 6th alone. And I visited Rai’s town. After that I drew a line and closed a chapter because I had done all I can for him. He is no good for me if it’s going to be like this. So I successfully got into my trip.  It’s funny I had to go closer to get farther from it, but it all worked out. So the rest was fun and it ended on a very happy note. And now I’m home 😉

10 Thoughts from a Healing Heart

As I stagger back and forth in my effort to move on from this guy, from this almost-relationship with loose ends left untied, I struggle with thoughts both positive and negative. To leave it and grow, or stay and fight. These are some of the thoughts I have at this stage.

Thumbing through a book by Deepak Chopra (I would have laughed at this earlier), I recognized quite a few things in there that are both comforting and disconcerting at once. External things commonly have this effect on people that we are no longer in control. And there are regular stages in the aftermath that many go through. I might actually have to buy that book. But at the back of my mind I want to be a sturdy ol’ person who doesn’t need some stranger to tell them how to do things. Who knows life is an individual experience and you just have to go through it.

Here are a few thoughts from my current state:

1. Suddenly being over 25 is a huge fucking deal. 

I feel like I should have everything together. There are some things I should have by now. It’s like adulthood hit me suddenly.

2. Always being mature about choices, made me feel confident and therefore vulnerable to a giant punch in the gut.

Because I was equipped for everything before. Yes I had giddy moments, little pains and dramas, awkward decisions. But I was never unreasonable and jumping both feet in to anything. With every bad experience, I always come out wiser and all is okay. I can keep my chin up.

Easing into this one with all the pragmatism, maturity plus the added benefit of experience, meant that I was truly wide open. The grace and wisdom with which I dealt with everything made me feel I could stomach all. I would be level-headed as always. But instead it meant this hurt so much more. Now that means I have thrown off balance much much harder than all the foolish girls who regularly get into fits of emotion over guys.

I don’t know if that should teach me being prepared means jack shit in life. Or that life will always teach you that you don’t know everything. I don’t know what I should take from it. What I know is that having such an open-ended question is not that fun.

3. I Don’t Know Everything

In fact I feel more and more that I don’t know anything.

4. 20 Somethings in Affluent Societies Often Flounder the Same Way

Maybe this ‘being educated’ thing makes us think we know a lot, or pressures us to behave a certain unmaniacal way. Maybe social media feeds comparisons and freak-outs about what we’re doing with our lives.

But the slew of thought-catalog types lists suggests lots of people go through the same thing. And Facebook feed self-pity.

5. Time Heals

You can distract. You can read. You can really let the emotions take over. You can try replacements.

But whatever you do, you still need time. There is no quick-fix no matter how many people have gone through it before you, no matter how much wisdom you can tap on, whatever your friends say.

6. Uncertainty is a Part of Life

What freaks me out is the extent of it. I don’t quite believe in “fate” and “meant to be” because there are so many options in life that surely every choice changes our path. Things are not pre-determined. Uncertainty is part of the beauty of all that.

But getting used to some level of uncertainty made me feel comfortable enough that this WHAM hit me in the head with the EXTENT of uncertainty that came with it.

Especially when you put your faith in someone else, you surrender a lot to the power of uncertainty. Not that that can stop us from trusting people because life is nothing if you don’t let anyone in. So you know it’s there but you have to keep going until it rears its ugly head.

7. Date Men, Not Boys

Rai is a man. And I wanted in. Before him, I was young and dating boys. After him, it was like rapid dating/flings and it became obvious to me how unattracted I am to boys now.

The problem is, as I lose more of my demure identity, the more I seem to attract the youngish guys (the way I probably desired when I was younger but that never quite happened…). But hey, just because they are plentiful doesn’t mean they are quality.

The Swedish guy I’d spent a week with was absolute quality. He was a man. And that’s the kind of time I’d like to spend with someone. You aren’t busy weighing everything or making trivial attempts to impress. You are comfortable and interested and their mind excites you. Even if affection comes slow, it feels a whole lot better. Okay this last part I knew before. Maybe this is a worth a point on its own…

8. Experiences Have Taught Me to Lighten Up. But Lightening Up is Keeping me from the Good Catches

I was the girl people knew they’d have to take seriously. And though I always had a pleasant cheery disposition, I also come across mature and level-headed, and that means people take me seriously.

Eventually, I decided to take things lightly and treat boys with less seriousness. They don’t always know what they want and many will transit through your life. So I lightened up and fun was okay. In part this is from travelling, but when it comes to boys, largely from them wanting “fun” when you are really interested in who they are as a person.

I learnt to roll with it. And recently, I was accused of “using someone”. Then it hit me, I learnt so much to play by their rules that I can be guilty of being “too light” to them. I could be the bad guy. Being the girl who didn’t expect much and treating them lightly, could actually be a bad thing. If this shows on the outside, I will not find a good catch because I appear too casual.

I have no idea how to deal with this. Did I change too much? Do I go back to being more serious? Does it depend on the person?

9. Mi Casa es Su Casa: Empathy & Internalization

Rai did not hide baggage, or bad past, or bad traits. He didn’t flaunt them as an excuse for anything, but he didn’t hide them when they came up. I’d even said “if you were that kind of guy I wouldn’t be here talking to you.” And he’d said “actually, in my past there are these things.” He elaborated a little but said it’s not stuff he likes to talk about. BUt when we are together , later, he will tell me. I said “oh”.

I hesistated. But I didn’t feel like fleeing. It definitely made a mark but I wasn’t afraid.

I see now that it is because he was real and our connection real, that I wasn’t afraid to run just because he’d had real-life problems and baggage. It happens. In early stages of dating, you evaluate and you can run when you find this out. In late stages, if you find out this secret, it could feel like betrayal and you could run. But at our stage, he was a man I wanted to be with and a bad past, things inside that bother him, wasn’t enough for me to flee. I guess I was already his woman by then.

His problems were mine.

I thought about him being a widower. I wondered what it felt like to lose someone you love without warning. I wondered how one deal’s with problem-surprises this big in life and how you can carry on without losing hope. What do you in the days when the impact is fresh? How do you avoid feeling a victim? How do you socialize without feeling no one gets how you feel? How do you miss having a woman around but you’re unable to touch/desire/care for another woman without reminders of the true partner you’d lost? How does death impact us? How can you be young and not be spoilt by tragedy this big? How much strength must you find? How alone do you feel?

I thought about all of that. Not just feeling bad for him but really thinking about it, as one of life’s things. It was serious. And I stayed to process all of it and feel grief and pain.

I stayed to think he will always have this weight on him and I’d never ever be warranted to belittle it.

I took it on. I was weighed down, I lost a little bit of the sparkly views on life, I thought seriously. And I took him on. It would be a serious life we start together and I wanted in.

I shared a part in his pain and baggage. I internalized his problems, his pain, his life.  And then I was abandoned. That’s why it hurts so much.

10. His pain is NOT bigger than mine

For much of this journey, I have said his problems are bigger than mine and I never wanted to put my problems on him. I am a woman who is hurt by a man and having some troubles in the quest for love. For that beautiful life where everything falls together.

How can I expect him to put my needs first when his core was still fumbly? I was completing a picture, he was just trying to get back in one piece.

However, this has changed. At this point, we are reaching almost a year of this journey, wherein he has left me to ‘wait’ (to put it simplistically) during several gaps. He has chosen to act a certain way. There were some things out of his control. All in all, now this is as much about me as him. I am hurt. My life has been impacted. And his actions have to do with it. I took on those pains he had, and add to it all the shit I’ve been through with/for/because of him. No i am not saying by any means that I feel the full impact of his grief on the same level that he does. But I have a portion of it and my real life problems too, so yeah, I have problems and this hurts and I have a right to feel all that I feel.

We are two adults on an equal plane. Now we see what happens as two individuals making a choice.