Dirtbags and Restraint

When someone you really care about hurts you, in the period before the conversation to talk it over, you’re left in this precarious position of wondering whether it was just a misunderstanding and it will be over/better in a minute, or whether he was a fucking dirtbag and stir up vile emotions inside you from the betrayal. The kind of disappointment that makes you doubt people in general

It has been a hard year for me. One of the few good things that happened was Wine n Dine Guy who travels here for work. The story and dynamics of our frienlationship is kind of bizarre, almost unconventional, but we made it to a great level between two people. It  became a valued, comfortable, and truly connected friendship. Really. And he just fucked up. 

It really makes me sick to the stomach, fearful that this really good thing will be ruined and therefore become another really bad thing. You know what they say, the higher you go, the harder the fall. If he gets illuminated as a bad guy, if the betrayal stands, if he doesn’t make it right, this will be infinitely more painful.

An asshole being an asshole is not fun but quick to get over. A good guy being an asshole is unexpected and really punches you in the gut and leaves a lingering ache even after the first intense pain is gone. Also, when its just a surface-level new boy, shit happens. But when a friend hurts you, it really goes deep. This feels deep.

The action itself I suppose is not the worst in the universe. But in the context, it just hurts a lot.

As I said, our frienlationship is complex. I do my best to summarise. In essence it’s a relationship backwards:

 

We met. We sparked. There was a niceguy-nicegirl kind of click, with real conversation. We were intimate. Then nightmare struck almost immediately. Turns out, although he is single, he’s been seeing a girl back home so he felt guilty. We had an apology dinner, talked it out in an adult manner, and everything was okay.

 

We dropped the kissy/sexy stuff completely. But then we had the best dates ever, couldn’t get enough of each other and formed a bond. Comfortable, real with depth in connection. It was the smoothest-going, couldnt-be-better start to a wonderful relationship. Everything felt right, but the fact that this girl existed, remained.

It was not for lack of anything between us that we didn’t get together. It was just that she had come in his life first and she was a nice girl. So he went home and we would meet, maybe, when he’s back for more business trips.

When he was back, like the first time he wanted to see me everyday. We really are good together. But I could sense he was establishing more boundaries. I learnt he was now in a relationship with her. Instantly I accepted and there was no more coupley-behaviour though our bond undeniably still stood. We were two people who would have been together if-not-for. I wasn’t waiting, we would do everything right and appropriate. It was respect.

So when I took him on a night out, I was hurt to see him lost in conversation with this girl who was shamelessly flirting with him. She knew he was there with me and did a guilty dodge when I came close. Spotting this, Anger #1.

When I walked away, he didn’t realise he was meant to follow. He resumed talking to this cunning flirty bitch. He practically forgot I was there. Hey man… yes flirting is fun. But the only reason WE don’t do that anymore is because of your girlfriend. Everything else between us was perfect. How can you be receptive to someone else?  I waited nearby, but he didnt notice. Anger #2.

When I walked out the door, suddenly he was by my side. I didn’t make a fuss, we just carried on and things seemed okay.

Then I see on Facebook he exchanged contacts with her. WTF? Why are u exchanging contacts with a girl who was flinging herself at you, a girl you met while you already had a girlfriend? I can almost understand harmless flirting when u have a gf. But to exchange contacts? And there’s the other thing — flirting when u are there with ME. That part is NOT ok, I was right there. Anger #3.

One month later, he is back in town. But he didn’t tell me. I found out on FB that he had met up with this girl twice instead. What the fuck. I flew off the handle. I was furious. I waited for him to tell me that he was in town. But he didn’t. Meanwhile I was raging. Anger #4 x Level 9000000000.

While I was busy respecting the girl before me, you are disrespecting me with a random girl after me? Fuck this bullshit.

I contacted him. Unfortch he’s not in town. So I have to wait a whole week with this fucking rage, because I have to do this face to face. I value our friendship and we have grown through some intense moments to have a really mature, respectful relationship. This is juvenile, inconsiderate fucking bullshit.

I am so looking forward to talking him out with him. This time, it’s not gonna be so polite. This time I’m gonna lay it out straight. I know our connection is not bullshit so 80% sure it will work out okay. But 20% afraid that nice guy will make the fucking asshole decision.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Get Up and Try Again

The goal now is to erase the current set-back and get back to the starting point of post-Rai era. Also noticed some interesting things. Like feelings can change in an instant.

This is the third time I have found that a problem which weighs me down for a looooong frustrating period of time, can disappear in a fluff when you wake up one morning. Just like that. Of course you hammer at it for ages, trying to deal with it or solve it, but it doesn’t seem to ease up. But one day, it feels like it goes away in an instant. Weird. But interesting.

Secondly, I have noticed that sometimes things come from within. Our inner habits.

Like when I was a kid I had a “weird way” of holding my pencil. I was corrected. When I am tired or lost in a piece of art/writing, my fingers go back to that position.

I also used to bite my nails. But seriously when I was a weeeeeeee kid. Like 3 yrs old. My teacher helped me stop. I never felt the urge again. In this period of super stress with Rai, out of nowhere, I found myself biting my nails again. I couldn’t grow my usual long nails because I would have chomped one off before I realised. And even when I told myself not to, I would bite the rest of the nails too. Only this week did I realise that I’d stopped. I’ve managed to do quite a few manicures instead. So seriously, stress led to me biting my nails. Not just a theory. Hmm..

Makes me wonder if there’s one true self within.

Thirdly, accepting things you once rejected.

I could always wear dresses and always had long hair, but I was also a tomboy who could roll with the boys. I rejected pink and painted nails and fluffy ideas like girly sleepovers and giggles and dance-on-the-spot-screaming-over-something-exciting. These days, since finding my girlfriends while backpacking, I realised how much I appreciate the girly support system. It IS nice to have someone appreciate your dress, discuss your hair, cuddle you when you cry over stupid stuff — also something I didn’t use to do till recently — display insane amounts of excitement and gush over stuff.

The downside of that is the realization I lack girl friends. In your post-education 20s, its hard to pluck girlfriends out of thin air. These 2 live across the world. My old bestie is always busy and prefers the gay boys who give her girlier attention than I did. Also since she thinks sex with boys is gross. I have a new girlfriend who is a lifeline but is still really new and our differences are obvious at times. Like she has 2 kids but is often out partying with me, which is not something I could imagine ever doing half as often if I was a mum.

Still, every now and then you meet a girl you make an instant connection with and that is just as exciting as meeting a boy you connect with.

Next thing, seeking inspiration from other women. Like this blog, and reading others who go through shitty dating problems too, and strong women who go on screen to talk about women issues. Used to think, what’s this nonsense with “finding yourself” and “women’s issues”. Now, I totally appreciate it. Though many are still so full of shit. But I accept now, that cool as I am with the dude friends, inside I am an emotional being with many many thoughts, and the guidance of those before us does help.

Oh and another thing I used to “never do”…. When this girl flirted with my date, I wanted to poke her eyeballs out. Hers. Usually I don’t get mad, I would just feel disappointed in the guy. Or mad at him maybe. But this time, I looked at her and in my mind it said, get out of here you cheap bitch. Yeah. Classy thoughts. (She did though, look like that type of cheap girl. Who puts on tons of makeup, a skimpy outfit, knows how to look through her lashes and turn on her innocent/vixen mode and nab a guy she doesn’t even really want, without any regard for the fact he is already with a girl. So I stand by not liking her but, my anger at her? That was new. I didn’t do anything to her though, just called her names in my head).

In other news, I texted Rene and we said a brief hello. Brief, but chirpy and friendly. In it was our awesome sense of humour. And he addressed me by a nickname he’d made up for me. It made me smile. And I could sense the warmth from his end too. Neither of us want to throw away a friendship like this. Sometimes things end though and maybe this will. But for now its nice that we have still have our connection.

In other other news, but also totally the same,