The goal now is to erase the current set-back and get back to the starting point of post-Rai era. Also noticed some interesting things. Like feelings can change in an instant.
This is the third time I have found that a problem which weighs me down for a looooong frustrating period of time, can disappear in a fluff when you wake up one morning. Just like that. Of course you hammer at it for ages, trying to deal with it or solve it, but it doesn’t seem to ease up. But one day, it feels like it goes away in an instant. Weird. But interesting.
Secondly, I have noticed that sometimes things come from within. Our inner habits.
Like when I was a kid I had a “weird way” of holding my pencil. I was corrected. When I am tired or lost in a piece of art/writing, my fingers go back to that position.
I also used to bite my nails. But seriously when I was a weeeeeeee kid. Like 3 yrs old. My teacher helped me stop. I never felt the urge again. In this period of super stress with Rai, out of nowhere, I found myself biting my nails again. I couldn’t grow my usual long nails because I would have chomped one off before I realised. And even when I told myself not to, I would bite the rest of the nails too. Only this week did I realise that I’d stopped. I’ve managed to do quite a few manicures instead. So seriously, stress led to me biting my nails. Not just a theory. Hmm..
Makes me wonder if there’s one true self within.
Thirdly, accepting things you once rejected.
I could always wear dresses and always had long hair, but I was also a tomboy who could roll with the boys. I rejected pink and painted nails and fluffy ideas like girly sleepovers and giggles and dance-on-the-spot-screaming-over-something-exciting. These days, since finding my girlfriends while backpacking, I realised how much I appreciate the girly support system. It IS nice to have someone appreciate your dress, discuss your hair, cuddle you when you cry over stupid stuff — also something I didn’t use to do till recently — display insane amounts of excitement and gush over stuff.
The downside of that is the realization I lack girl friends. In your post-education 20s, its hard to pluck girlfriends out of thin air. These 2 live across the world. My old bestie is always busy and prefers the gay boys who give her girlier attention than I did. Also since she thinks sex with boys is gross. I have a new girlfriend who is a lifeline but is still really new and our differences are obvious at times. Like she has 2 kids but is often out partying with me, which is not something I could imagine ever doing half as often if I was a mum.
Still, every now and then you meet a girl you make an instant connection with and that is just as exciting as meeting a boy you connect with.
Next thing, seeking inspiration from other women. Like this blog, and reading others who go through shitty dating problems too, and strong women who go on screen to talk about women issues. Used to think, what’s this nonsense with “finding yourself” and “women’s issues”. Now, I totally appreciate it. Though many are still so full of shit. But I accept now, that cool as I am with the dude friends, inside I am an emotional being with many many thoughts, and the guidance of those before us does help.
Oh and another thing I used to “never do”…. When this girl flirted with my date, I wanted to poke her eyeballs out. Hers. Usually I don’t get mad, I would just feel disappointed in the guy. Or mad at him maybe. But this time, I looked at her and in my mind it said, get out of here you cheap bitch. Yeah. Classy thoughts. (She did though, look like that type of cheap girl. Who puts on tons of makeup, a skimpy outfit, knows how to look through her lashes and turn on her innocent/vixen mode and nab a guy she doesn’t even really want, without any regard for the fact he is already with a girl. So I stand by not liking her but, my anger at her? That was new. I didn’t do anything to her though, just called her names in my head).
In other news, I texted Rene and we said a brief hello. Brief, but chirpy and friendly. In it was our awesome sense of humour. And he addressed me by a nickname he’d made up for me. It made me smile. And I could sense the warmth from his end too. Neither of us want to throw away a friendship like this. Sometimes things end though and maybe this will. But for now its nice that we have still have our connection.
In other other news, but also totally the same,
Ella | Long Distance Flutters 