Literally Darling

During the busy workweek, I so look forward to weekends. I just realised though that shortly after feeling rested with a Saturday sleep-in,  those feelings of loneliness set in, forming a not-so-great weekend pattern.

Do Something About It 

It helps to have this blog. But I don’t like to just sit around in my problems. I try to do something about it, even though the first step to solutions is often a pretty uncomfortable zone. The thing is, I don’t really know what to do about this one.

As I’ve often said, it feels pathetic. It’s not easy to talk to peers about it. Again, I appreciate having this blogspace but can I really count whining into the internet universe as a fix? I really really appreciate any response – a like, a share, a follower – because it tells me others relate, I’m not alone, this isn’t a weirdo thing. I have to have to have get out and help my current  situation though, something more than this.

I was thinking, what can I do today? Of course most of is too ambitious to start right this moment. But suddenly it occured to me to look up who else is writing about this, but getting somewhere with it. An influencer. With followers.

In the Same Boat

I found a really good read here. I don’t like to read the “emo kid” version where they lash out at everyone and overuse the “i am unique” thing. The rhetoric of ‘i am who i am’, ‘you dont need to try’, ‘haters gonna hate’ etc… is used in a rather shallow, uninspiring way these days if you listen to the popculture people.

I liked this post on literally darling, which has a brilliant tagline to the site as well.

What I’m learning from my 20s is that I can have all the confidence in the world with my passion, career, myself, and it can still be immensely lonely. Our 20s are conflicted for people who have not quite found their passion and for those of us who have. This disconnection, combined with poor communication, is what deteriorates a friendship. People in their 20s need to accept that some people are putting themselves together faster than others, and instead of distancing ourselves, communicating these frustrations, successes, and confusion. It’s good communication, and an ability to separate ourselves from others that helps confidence grow and builds stronger friendships.

Yes!

Because I Can Relate

I’m not the mcnerdy bird who wears ugly sweaters and has no friends. It’s just that things aren’t so peachy for me, but I do have a passion, career, and some friends to sometimes have plans with. But I don’t have those consistent, close friends. Nor a partner. You know, you’re stuck in the ‘polite conversation’ because you aren’t that close. So the support system you used to have in school, and the endless opportunities for socializing, all kinda gone. And those close friends seem far less bothered about upkeeping friendships than you. And those with partners disappear.

So it’s more apparent, if adult friends care less about friendships, then the significant other takes on more significance. But that’s almost even harder. Then again, people do say ‘you should find a nice guy’, and you can say ‘yeah i am looking for a boyfriend’. You can’t say ‘i am looking for new friends’. Kinda weirdish.

Putting Out Someone Else’s Flame Does Not Make Yours Burn Any Brighter

Also, I’ve had the unfortunate experience of learning what it is to have people resent you for your successes. It is a bizarre concept for me. But it’s one of those ugly experiences, thats not all that uncommon in the world, I’ve sadly had to go through.

I don’t feel I am anywhere near the “Oooh what an achiever with a shining career” level. I know quite a few friends who are. I look at them and wonder how they did it. How do I get further? Yet I have had people trying to put out my flame.

That said, I am proud of what I have achieved. This is my venting space so I may seem a little negative, but in reality I do often take moments to look back and realise, yeah girl you are somewhere great! You are on the right path, achieving passions, doing well.

So without OUTSTANDING achievements, I still do know ‘friends’ with green eyes.

Making Friends in Your 20s

does seem to be pretty hard. It never seems like it when you look at your friends around you. Heck you could look at my facebook and think the same of me. But the depth isn’t quite there. And when you wake up feeling sad, when you arent the kind of person who doesn’t try, then you have to accept that what you feel is real.

It’s not an impossible thing to overcome. Just hard when you are in it.

There is a definite pressure that your 20s are supposed to be SUPER exciting and dating is SO much fun. I just dont have the circle to meet guys, or the support system to encourage me to go out on my big adventures which I totally would do.

I’ve done the solo backpacking. But maybe i dont want to have to rely on being so solo anymore. I’d like to share.

Is there anybody out there?

The Strange Onward

Things are a little difficult. I am a bit confused. I am caught in a place where I have enough to be thankful for and happy about, and feel weird for being sad about all the things I am sad about.

ONE

I have a great job. But I cannot stand my manager and everyday in the office is agony if it involves any actual communication with him.

I also report to someone one level above him, and we get on great. Not just in terms of friendly banter, but professionally he gives great directions. That’s how a boss should be. But how can I go around my manager to maintain healthy directions to maintain healthy performance?

TWO

I may have the opportunity to travel this year.

But I am not feeling good about my health, fitness, appearance. I worry about people talking in the office. I also wonder if I should do a better job of saving first, or should I make use of my 20s and just do this now although it means pretty much using my full paycheck every month.

THREE

With my social life being a bit lacklustre, I feel like I should commit to a new activity. For myself mainly, to be passionate about something that’s also social.

And that’s the second part, to just have a chance to meet new like-minded people.

If I travel, I will have to do it pretty independently. And it get’s pretty lonely out there. I would meet LOADS of people, but it would be the same as now — meeting lots of great people but only transiently. I’d love to make some deep lasting friendships. To have someone who will still be here in 5 years. Who I can call at midnight to go for pizza or have a sleepover or whine about the stupid things that pop in my head. You know, the simple things that make up a great trusty friendship.

FOUR

Being hurt by people you care about. That’s just hard. And it’s difficult to keep being positive.

FIVE

Health. For a person in my 20s I don’t care for the lousy news I’ve had from doctors. It’s not bad enough to have a full breakdown, but somedays the difficulty of it hits you and fear of how it could worse and affect your life…. And those days I want to stay inside and be sad.

Yes.I have days when I want to stay in and be sad. This is definitely not how one imagines one’s twenties.

The lack of support of a close partner — be it bestie or boyfriend — is fundamentally difficult. We go through a lot. And I like to talk things through. I appreciate support, second opinions, balance and also someone to love and share rainbow moments. You feel lame for complaining to people who aren’t as close. So you keep things inside. And suddenly the most commonplace of things, like couples holding hands or groups of girlfriends… suddenly pulls at your heartstrings. Those things were never noticeable before. And you find yourself wondering if you are actually honestly sad.

Quick Update: Life’s Roads

In the last episode: Got laid off. Got bummed out. Got enchanted by travel mode, fleeting charming guys. Got into lazy mode.
Today:

• Started new job that’s a definite upgrade (salary boost, industry leader, bigger responsibilites, potential to travel often)
• Living off credit cards because of 4 months of unemployment and not wanting to just rot at home. Can’t wait to settle those bills.
• New computer. Nerding out with PC games big time
• Boys still have cooties.
• Completely over the friendshomance or romanceship with Wine & Dine guy.
• Rarely think of Rai, except fondly.
• Good friends with Rene. The guy lives in Sweden and yet I can call him when I’m down and he’s there for me. Gem.
• Don’t crave parties/distractions as much. Have been going out still though and having some of those fun social things. Still hoping to meet more long-term friends though, ones to keep.
• No romantic stories.

I’ll fill in the interesting bits later. Like more dramatic guys who seem tough but have so much sensitive issues actually. I do sometimes feel like I am living some aspects of my life in reverse. I was so sane and responsible and drama-free as a teenager. Now I get more of this ridiculous drama situations, partying like a youngster and more inclined to feel like I’m lagging behind on the work front instead of chasing my full potential as I did when I was younger.

Overall I am very happy at the moment.

 

Live Life, Whatever Comes

It is what it is. You can try to be balanced as possible, try to learn from the wisdom of others, try to understand, but life will always surprise you and you just need to get with it. It’s okay to fumble, okay to be clueless, okay to freak out. It hasn’t been easy to accept that, probably because I got too stuck on definitions. “That’s not me” or “that won’t happen to me”. Sometimes, it does. And when it does, you don’t have to read too much into everything. Sometimes things happen and it doesn’t have a worldly significance.

I’d say my year of madness has come to a close. But I realise there have been several pockets of my life that I considered exceptions from my actual life. Seeing as adversity comes in different forms at different times, I see now that I have to accept all of these adding up to my life. They aren’t exceptions. I was dealing with whatever was in front of me, and that’s all part of the journey. It may seem like ‘getting through this phase’ out the other end, but these are all chapters that tie together, however separate you imagine them to be. Life is made up of phases.

So maybe the madness continues. I don’t know. And no amount of preparation spares you from curveballs and obstacles.

It’s all okay.

Life at 27 is quite different from what I imagined. When I was younger, I was really focused on school, intelligence and achievement. Yes I sometimes envied the cool girls and wished the hot guys would pick me – the social stuff. But it was never the most important thing. I could prioritize what’s really important.

I suppose it irritates me that after 25, I am so focused on boys. When girls were falling apart from teenage heartbreak and failing exams, I could always focus on school/work when I needed to. Now when plagued by a boy problem, its on my mind all day all night. It feels pretty lame.

But I’ve also learnt to accept that about myself. I have my very girly side and girly needs. It’s okay not to be so bulletproof, so rational. Sometimes I get really emotionally shaken and that’s okay. I do want very much to find someone to love and  have all those fluffy feelings and that’s okay to desire that.

You see, Wine & Dine Guy shattered something for me in this latest episode. I know many guys are after hot girls. But I always prided myself in being about more than that, and that’s what I want in a man. I’m no model but I’m good-looking enough that if I tried I could fit the profile to attract men that way. But when I look around, I always have more admiration for the boys who are with girls casually in say…checkered-shirt and jeans, rather than those with a stunning lady in a skintight dress. Both invoke a little bit of admiration and envy. But in the end, I want the guy who likes me like that. And I like those girls much much more.

I did feel really really lousy realising that even the semi-geeky guy with great manners, a good brain, considerate and emotionally available, could fall for the charms of a scantily dressed girl and risk everything for that. He was supposed to be smarter than that. If he isnt, then who is? And if he isn’t loyal, what kind of man CAN you trust?

It has taken some effort to realise he doesn’t represent all good men. And it doesn’t mean I am not good enough.

I am incredibly self-aware and I am shaping up to be a good woman. That has always been important to me. That’s why even when I admired the popular kids, I never tried too hard to do as they did because I wanted to be proud of however I developed and that meant I wouldn’t pursue shallow things at the expense of tainting character.

It doesn’t feel good to be outdone by a girl in a skimpy outfit. But I know did right by me.

I don’t change to please one particular person. But I am proud of the changes I HAVE made in my life. There’s room for all kinds of people. Like it’s okay to be quiet and demure. But when I realised I wanted to be heard more, I learnt to speak up. When I realised I wasn’t stuck to dressing simple just to be respected, I expressed my creative side. When I realised I enjoyed socializing and dancing, I stepped into the party scene which I feared before because I didn’t like the pressure to be sexy and boy-crazy. I took small steps my way. That actually helped me blossom so much. I met so many people, learnt about the different kinds of chemistry, and learnt how interesting I could be. I learnt to relax and get out of my head. When I thought I read too much and admired other people’s exciting lives, I got out there and explored. When I couldn’t find friends to travel with, I took a giant leap and went away myself for 6 months. When I was ill, I faced the world and came out tops.

From reserved in fashion, from semi-tomboy, I’ve gone with how I felt and gone artsy, traveller-boheme, girly and womanly.

I know the different sides of me and I have brought them all out and made me. And I never sacrificed self-respect and intelligence. Why should I let one guy, who is admittedly having an identity crisis and making mistakes and weak in the flesh, change how I feel about developing into a well-rounded woman?

The people who have left the best impact on my self-image and confidence are the ones who appreciated that I was not a one-dimensional woman. I am not one of those who tries hard to be all rebellious and counter-culture. Neither am I one who wants to be a magazine girl, frail sweetiepie nor sexy vixen. I have a little bit of several things. And it is important to me to do the right thing and be a good person.

I won’t let him take that from me. I am a wonderful woman.

Maybe the path to finding a good partner is not to easy. But maybe its because I am not so ordinary to fall into the set stereotypes nor too extraordinary that I am on a mountain top for all to see. It does make me sad and lonely that it has to be so hard sometimes. But I know I have my pride. And when someone appreciates me, its for the real me and not some surface version made to impress people. Who are they that they deserve the effort of lying anyway?

There is no sunshiney answer. The journey is hard and sadness has its place in our hearts. But its not all doom and forlorn either. A woman has to build herself how she sees fit. And I am on my way.

 

 

 

 

Get Up and Try Again

The goal now is to erase the current set-back and get back to the starting point of post-Rai era. Also noticed some interesting things. Like feelings can change in an instant.

This is the third time I have found that a problem which weighs me down for a looooong frustrating period of time, can disappear in a fluff when you wake up one morning. Just like that. Of course you hammer at it for ages, trying to deal with it or solve it, but it doesn’t seem to ease up. But one day, it feels like it goes away in an instant. Weird. But interesting.

Secondly, I have noticed that sometimes things come from within. Our inner habits.

Like when I was a kid I had a “weird way” of holding my pencil. I was corrected. When I am tired or lost in a piece of art/writing, my fingers go back to that position.

I also used to bite my nails. But seriously when I was a weeeeeeee kid. Like 3 yrs old. My teacher helped me stop. I never felt the urge again. In this period of super stress with Rai, out of nowhere, I found myself biting my nails again. I couldn’t grow my usual long nails because I would have chomped one off before I realised. And even when I told myself not to, I would bite the rest of the nails too. Only this week did I realise that I’d stopped. I’ve managed to do quite a few manicures instead. So seriously, stress led to me biting my nails. Not just a theory. Hmm..

Makes me wonder if there’s one true self within.

Thirdly, accepting things you once rejected.

I could always wear dresses and always had long hair, but I was also a tomboy who could roll with the boys. I rejected pink and painted nails and fluffy ideas like girly sleepovers and giggles and dance-on-the-spot-screaming-over-something-exciting. These days, since finding my girlfriends while backpacking, I realised how much I appreciate the girly support system. It IS nice to have someone appreciate your dress, discuss your hair, cuddle you when you cry over stupid stuff — also something I didn’t use to do till recently — display insane amounts of excitement and gush over stuff.

The downside of that is the realization I lack girl friends. In your post-education 20s, its hard to pluck girlfriends out of thin air. These 2 live across the world. My old bestie is always busy and prefers the gay boys who give her girlier attention than I did. Also since she thinks sex with boys is gross. I have a new girlfriend who is a lifeline but is still really new and our differences are obvious at times. Like she has 2 kids but is often out partying with me, which is not something I could imagine ever doing half as often if I was a mum.

Still, every now and then you meet a girl you make an instant connection with and that is just as exciting as meeting a boy you connect with.

Next thing, seeking inspiration from other women. Like this blog, and reading others who go through shitty dating problems too, and strong women who go on screen to talk about women issues. Used to think, what’s this nonsense with “finding yourself” and “women’s issues”. Now, I totally appreciate it. Though many are still so full of shit. But I accept now, that cool as I am with the dude friends, inside I am an emotional being with many many thoughts, and the guidance of those before us does help.

Oh and another thing I used to “never do”…. When this girl flirted with my date, I wanted to poke her eyeballs out. Hers. Usually I don’t get mad, I would just feel disappointed in the guy. Or mad at him maybe. But this time, I looked at her and in my mind it said, get out of here you cheap bitch. Yeah. Classy thoughts. (She did though, look like that type of cheap girl. Who puts on tons of makeup, a skimpy outfit, knows how to look through her lashes and turn on her innocent/vixen mode and nab a guy she doesn’t even really want, without any regard for the fact he is already with a girl. So I stand by not liking her but, my anger at her? That was new. I didn’t do anything to her though, just called her names in my head).

In other news, I texted Rene and we said a brief hello. Brief, but chirpy and friendly. In it was our awesome sense of humour. And he addressed me by a nickname he’d made up for me. It made me smile. And I could sense the warmth from his end too. Neither of us want to throw away a friendship like this. Sometimes things end though and maybe this will. But for now its nice that we have still have our connection.

In other other news, but also totally the same,

10 Thoughts from a Healing Heart

As I stagger back and forth in my effort to move on from this guy, from this almost-relationship with loose ends left untied, I struggle with thoughts both positive and negative. To leave it and grow, or stay and fight. These are some of the thoughts I have at this stage.

Thumbing through a book by Deepak Chopra (I would have laughed at this earlier), I recognized quite a few things in there that are both comforting and disconcerting at once. External things commonly have this effect on people that we are no longer in control. And there are regular stages in the aftermath that many go through. I might actually have to buy that book. But at the back of my mind I want to be a sturdy ol’ person who doesn’t need some stranger to tell them how to do things. Who knows life is an individual experience and you just have to go through it.

Here are a few thoughts from my current state:

1. Suddenly being over 25 is a huge fucking deal. 

I feel like I should have everything together. There are some things I should have by now. It’s like adulthood hit me suddenly.

2. Always being mature about choices, made me feel confident and therefore vulnerable to a giant punch in the gut.

Because I was equipped for everything before. Yes I had giddy moments, little pains and dramas, awkward decisions. But I was never unreasonable and jumping both feet in to anything. With every bad experience, I always come out wiser and all is okay. I can keep my chin up.

Easing into this one with all the pragmatism, maturity plus the added benefit of experience, meant that I was truly wide open. The grace and wisdom with which I dealt with everything made me feel I could stomach all. I would be level-headed as always. But instead it meant this hurt so much more. Now that means I have thrown off balance much much harder than all the foolish girls who regularly get into fits of emotion over guys.

I don’t know if that should teach me being prepared means jack shit in life. Or that life will always teach you that you don’t know everything. I don’t know what I should take from it. What I know is that having such an open-ended question is not that fun.

3. I Don’t Know Everything

In fact I feel more and more that I don’t know anything.

4. 20 Somethings in Affluent Societies Often Flounder the Same Way

Maybe this ‘being educated’ thing makes us think we know a lot, or pressures us to behave a certain unmaniacal way. Maybe social media feeds comparisons and freak-outs about what we’re doing with our lives.

But the slew of thought-catalog types lists suggests lots of people go through the same thing. And Facebook feed self-pity.

5. Time Heals

You can distract. You can read. You can really let the emotions take over. You can try replacements.

But whatever you do, you still need time. There is no quick-fix no matter how many people have gone through it before you, no matter how much wisdom you can tap on, whatever your friends say.

6. Uncertainty is a Part of Life

What freaks me out is the extent of it. I don’t quite believe in “fate” and “meant to be” because there are so many options in life that surely every choice changes our path. Things are not pre-determined. Uncertainty is part of the beauty of all that.

But getting used to some level of uncertainty made me feel comfortable enough that this WHAM hit me in the head with the EXTENT of uncertainty that came with it.

Especially when you put your faith in someone else, you surrender a lot to the power of uncertainty. Not that that can stop us from trusting people because life is nothing if you don’t let anyone in. So you know it’s there but you have to keep going until it rears its ugly head.

7. Date Men, Not Boys

Rai is a man. And I wanted in. Before him, I was young and dating boys. After him, it was like rapid dating/flings and it became obvious to me how unattracted I am to boys now.

The problem is, as I lose more of my demure identity, the more I seem to attract the youngish guys (the way I probably desired when I was younger but that never quite happened…). But hey, just because they are plentiful doesn’t mean they are quality.

The Swedish guy I’d spent a week with was absolute quality. He was a man. And that’s the kind of time I’d like to spend with someone. You aren’t busy weighing everything or making trivial attempts to impress. You are comfortable and interested and their mind excites you. Even if affection comes slow, it feels a whole lot better. Okay this last part I knew before. Maybe this is a worth a point on its own…

8. Experiences Have Taught Me to Lighten Up. But Lightening Up is Keeping me from the Good Catches

I was the girl people knew they’d have to take seriously. And though I always had a pleasant cheery disposition, I also come across mature and level-headed, and that means people take me seriously.

Eventually, I decided to take things lightly and treat boys with less seriousness. They don’t always know what they want and many will transit through your life. So I lightened up and fun was okay. In part this is from travelling, but when it comes to boys, largely from them wanting “fun” when you are really interested in who they are as a person.

I learnt to roll with it. And recently, I was accused of “using someone”. Then it hit me, I learnt so much to play by their rules that I can be guilty of being “too light” to them. I could be the bad guy. Being the girl who didn’t expect much and treating them lightly, could actually be a bad thing. If this shows on the outside, I will not find a good catch because I appear too casual.

I have no idea how to deal with this. Did I change too much? Do I go back to being more serious? Does it depend on the person?

9. Mi Casa es Su Casa: Empathy & Internalization

Rai did not hide baggage, or bad past, or bad traits. He didn’t flaunt them as an excuse for anything, but he didn’t hide them when they came up. I’d even said “if you were that kind of guy I wouldn’t be here talking to you.” And he’d said “actually, in my past there are these things.” He elaborated a little but said it’s not stuff he likes to talk about. BUt when we are together , later, he will tell me. I said “oh”.

I hesistated. But I didn’t feel like fleeing. It definitely made a mark but I wasn’t afraid.

I see now that it is because he was real and our connection real, that I wasn’t afraid to run just because he’d had real-life problems and baggage. It happens. In early stages of dating, you evaluate and you can run when you find this out. In late stages, if you find out this secret, it could feel like betrayal and you could run. But at our stage, he was a man I wanted to be with and a bad past, things inside that bother him, wasn’t enough for me to flee. I guess I was already his woman by then.

His problems were mine.

I thought about him being a widower. I wondered what it felt like to lose someone you love without warning. I wondered how one deal’s with problem-surprises this big in life and how you can carry on without losing hope. What do you in the days when the impact is fresh? How do you avoid feeling a victim? How do you socialize without feeling no one gets how you feel? How do you miss having a woman around but you’re unable to touch/desire/care for another woman without reminders of the true partner you’d lost? How does death impact us? How can you be young and not be spoilt by tragedy this big? How much strength must you find? How alone do you feel?

I thought about all of that. Not just feeling bad for him but really thinking about it, as one of life’s things. It was serious. And I stayed to process all of it and feel grief and pain.

I stayed to think he will always have this weight on him and I’d never ever be warranted to belittle it.

I took it on. I was weighed down, I lost a little bit of the sparkly views on life, I thought seriously. And I took him on. It would be a serious life we start together and I wanted in.

I shared a part in his pain and baggage. I internalized his problems, his pain, his life.  And then I was abandoned. That’s why it hurts so much.

10. His pain is NOT bigger than mine

For much of this journey, I have said his problems are bigger than mine and I never wanted to put my problems on him. I am a woman who is hurt by a man and having some troubles in the quest for love. For that beautiful life where everything falls together.

How can I expect him to put my needs first when his core was still fumbly? I was completing a picture, he was just trying to get back in one piece.

However, this has changed. At this point, we are reaching almost a year of this journey, wherein he has left me to ‘wait’ (to put it simplistically) during several gaps. He has chosen to act a certain way. There were some things out of his control. All in all, now this is as much about me as him. I am hurt. My life has been impacted. And his actions have to do with it. I took on those pains he had, and add to it all the shit I’ve been through with/for/because of him. No i am not saying by any means that I feel the full impact of his grief on the same level that he does. But I have a portion of it and my real life problems too, so yeah, I have problems and this hurts and I have a right to feel all that I feel.

We are two adults on an equal plane. Now we see what happens as two individuals making a choice.

On The Wings of Love / Dreams Come True

I booked my flight. I’m going to Europe.

I’ve been picturing partying in Amsterdam with my friends and doing a bit of research. And I realised, I don’t think I can pretend Rai has nothing to do with anything, while I am there. So I was looking up some creative ways to get in touch if possible.

Lately I’ve also been thinking, he’s just a guy. It’ll pass. And even if we had liked each other, how would it have worked?

As part of my moving on process, I need answers. So I just did a quick search to be assured how unlikely it would have been for me to find a job that lets me live there. And then…

I landed on a job opening in Amsterdam that is, actually, great.

(yeah i know that’s not what the quote thingy is for but whatevs… lol)

This job is in the same industry as I am in now. I am qualified and meet the requirements. They welcome foreigners. They help you move.

Shit!

Suddenly it’s not so much about Peter anymore. I’ve always pictured myself living in Europe, at least for a while. But finding a job is tricky, I’ve looked many times over the years and found so many hurdles and never the perfect thing. Now this has just plopped down in front of me and I think I have a good chance of getting it!

I could do this job. It sounds good. And in the big picture, it could fulfill a dream. My dream. Take my life in the direction I want.

Holy shit. Do I do this??

I am thinking of applying in the next few days. Just try. If I get it, there’s some big thinking to do. I like my current job and wanted to stay a couple of years at least.  But if Europe is the dream and I have a chance… I should leap for it right?

 

And the harder parts:

What if it doesn’t work out there? I have to come back and search for a job again when I have a good one.

Am I ready to pack up and go with very little to my name? All by myself. (Comfort: I know some friends who live there) I don’t really have all my shit together. I’ve not been looking so I’m not like really ready..

If I live there and Peter doesn’t want to be with me, how will I handle that? If it’s bad, I’ll be alone out there. How?

 

 

 

Relationship Crossroads

Questions and looming answers for the relationship status with Rai and with the ex-bestie. Thankfully, this is saved by a new friend who is fun and supportive and attentive.

a) Rai

I’m glad I bothered to start my reply asking if he was okay. This eases off a totally unhappy tone.

I said it was very hurtful, what he said to me. Was tempted to write more but I don’t want him to go on on hero mode and ‘save me from pain’ by taking himself away.

He asked me what he said that was hurtful?

Geez. Sometimes it is a bloody mystery how men and women are so different. Can’t believe he’s so oblivious. English is not his first language but it’s not often a problem.

Need to actually talk it out.

If Rai is angry and defensive and overreacting to the one time I showed some unhappiness over our situation, then he is being unreasonable and it’s totally unacceptable  to me. If we carry on as we were, I can think about it. If he takes a leap for me, then I’m in.

I feel like I want a label on this now. He’s had quite a few months to himself. I could do one or two more at a slow pace. But afterward, I need him to say that this is a relationship.

It feels silly otherwise, for me to stay like this. At some point, there has to be something solid. Something for me. If we are not even together, then what is all this effort and hardship for? Yes I stayed to support him even if that meant I can’t have him. That was that, but that period is passing. There’s been much time and emotion since, enough to shake up my life. I know there is no happy ending for the girl who stays with the guy who is still floating about, unable to say ‘hey, we are together’. So I am asking for something.

This will only hurt me if it continues in this long-distance, almost-relationship way. Something needs to change. It is obvious that the way we talk, the way we need each other, the emotions, the way we squabble, this is the makings of two people who care for each other and are already in something. It is a boy-girl thing, clearly.

He needs to turn that into something or we need to decide to be just friends. So we are at a crossroads.

It is far too serious for it to go down easy if he wants to say ‘well, goodbye’ and the whole thing will feel like nothing. A shadow of a relationship. But we’ll see. I hate to see it end bad.

I am ready to commit if he wants to make it real. Otherwise, I am going on dates here. I genuinely enjoy their company while I am there but I go home and Rai is on my mind. I feel like I am sabotaging the dates before they even happen. So clearer definitions would help.

b) The ex-bestie

A few things added up and I was furious with Rai. I called on her. She had to finish work then ‘had to’ go for a birthday dinner and I had to wait. I didn’t go. She had some little pockets of time for me if I needed her over the next two days. I didn’t take her up on it, but learnt through happy postings online that she spent it ladida-ing with her usual friends she sees all the time (the ones she replaced me with) and commenting how happy she is to have them. Nice.

I really love being put on the backburner for you to do random-unimportant-hangingoutfun things with people you see all the time anyway. You got my back when I need you most huh?

This is the opposite of how I do things. If u feel bad enough to say you need me, I will drop shit and come to you.

c) The new friend

We hang out and talk and party. I know about the little things happening as they progress and she cares to ask about the progress of things happening to me. That is the simple, nice things in life that matter.

Save Me From This Road I’m On

I honestly thought I’d be over this by now. It’s been months and I still feel mopey and heavy. Why does the heart do this? Make the strongest of us weak and fumbling bumbling idiots.

I’ve gone through a few phases now. Reckless thoughtless actions; Deep thoughts and inaction; Hurrying to quiet corners to untangle my messy thoughts and pen down; Snuggling in bed and crying; Getting back to the goodstuff with friends.

 

I am thankful that I don’t feel like I’m floundering about anymore. Those weeks were really hard where there was so much emotion I really didn’t know what to do at all. I’ve had some really good times since. The week with the girlfriends from Europe was really good. And that ex-bestfriend has reconnected with me (She recently broke up. I was there for her. It prompted her to apologize for not being there for me when I needed).

Though I feel like I am moving forward, moving on, there are still days that surprise me. Today for example.

I woke up. Laid in bed an extra hour and hugged my bolster (that’s a slim body-length pillow) and missed Rai. I thought about how much I’d like him to be holding me while I hurt. To sink into his manly arms, feeling small and comforted. Except… the reason why I hurt is because I can’t have him here, can’t feel him hold me. But I lay there, thinking how much I just needed that.

So much of time with Rai I’ve thought about how much I wanted to hold him to make him feel better where words won’t do. But this morning I just wanted to be the one being held.

 

Twice in the day I’ve been on the brink of tears. And at lunch I hid in a toilet cubicle for a few minutes to let the tears out. (I might sound like a broken record, but it also bothers me that at 26 I’m finding out I am so weak in handling problems).

While I have had some forks in the road, like being sick in a very visible way in my early 20s (the doctor said it would be forever), I have never been so unable to control my feelings that I have to find a hiding spot to cry in the day. I have been hurt and disappointed by guys too, which always blows, and only in some instances did I cry some, but not like this.

And actually, thinking about it now it can seem quite preposterous how the thing with Rai is the biggest one. I wonder if I am so totally silly to have ever let it mean this much to me? With Rai who isn’t even here.

 

But of course, that is also silly because when the heart is taken, it’s taken. It is not up to anyone else to tell me either that this was silly to fall/feel. But I don’t have to worry about that because any friends that I have told about this ordeal, sympathize and agree that this is particularly difficult yet meaningful. No one has said give up. In fact, it’s on the contrary. Though they see that Rai needs to grieve, they also say it is worth fighting for. As people who know me, they can see that this one really matters to me far more than anything in the past. And they diagnose that he genuinely cares for me too. And everyone agrees there is no easy solution, no simple way to get over the pain, nor any way know how this ends.

These days, I think less of the Rai and me relationship; the specific problem. I am just dealing with the emotions, the giant giant emotions, the way it has left me feeling. I still have this weight on me even though I manage to have some good days and some really fun times. It doesn’t help that sometimes it makes me freak out with identity issues and quarter-life crisis nonsense.

 

OK maybe not as cheesy as who am i, but more like catching myself in something lousy n being like, Wow, is this really me? Who I’ve become? *proceed to frown disapprovingly*

I don’t like being such a downer. That I have less fabulous tales of joy to share than anecdotes of what the pain did to me today. But I have to take care of me right now rather than what other people think.

I am taking a trip this week to a popular backpacker party beach destination for a couple of days with the girls. I don’t really feel like going to be honest as this week is not going down easy. But I shall. If I don’t party, I’ll stare off into the sunset and think. And if I party, I hope I don’t make any messy mistakes with guys.

For all the line-up of guys I had, no one has come through. Unsurprising. Boys have cooties.

Their ridonculousness only reminds me of how old I am and how I really want a mature relationship. All this bar stuff is just an attempt to mask that and get through. Even Ryan Gosling in the aftermath has turned out to be not-so-great. And it reminds me why Rai is such a treasure and how much better that feels.

Sorry, I can’t help it. Ryan makes me feel better ;p

Rai hasn’t been in touch for over a week. I was warned about irregularity, so I am not sending him any messages, but it still hurts to be that far off from his mind/effort.

Well, I suppose it’s time to start getting excited about my trip tomorrow. I do after all feel most alive when I backpack. This is just a few days, but it’ll be good. If you have really been reading all my words, thank you 🙂

Tears from the Soul

I feel like shit today. To Gillian on her 37th Birthday was on when I tuned in for my usual morning tv-minutes during breakfast before work, instead of the usual comedy shows. The show deals with a widower and his daughter. Tears escaped from my soul and ran down my cheeks. Somehow Rai’s pain (as a widower) has become mine. I found myself not only sad because of the relationship of the mourners and the parallels it has to my situation, but also a grieving sadness for the loss of a dear one.

I never knew Rai’s late wife. But somehow I feel the loss of her too. That is quite strange, that that can happen. I guess I somehow internalized his pain enough to imagine, to feel, the pain of losing someone dear without warning, and it made me grieve the loss of her too.

That was the main thing that surprised me. The rest of it was obvious, because of the parallels to what he is going through and how it alters our relationship and what it puts me through as I try to help him…

So my happy bubble is not there today. I am kinda sad and heavy. Not as consuming as before, I am out of the quicksand, but it’s a sad smile from deep within me.

Perhaps it is a reminder that all this is real, the depth of the Rai issue that lies still as I try to move on and jazz up my life with new people and events. Those things are on the surface and they are real too. But the Rai thing is much deeper and really moves my soul.

I think the scary part is probably that I know this might very well slowly slip away.  He might become a fondness I keep in the ‘my past’ compartment of my heart. I might become that girl who made him laugh for a couple of months and then life starting moving ahead and he walked on and I became glitter in his wake that he could look back and smile at only when he wanted/remembered.

And that I am less important to him than he is to me. And I am letting him become less and less important because I need to, but I’ll miss just being together.

I try my best to decipher, but it’s really emotions. Strong emotions. The human soul being moved.

I think I’m sad because I know we are letting go.

I’m sad because I look at my life and I really wish someone would stay. Someone real and connected, who will stay.

Sometimes when I connect with someone new, I expect that they will make an effort to stay in touch but not everyone does ;  I always believe people and put weight to their words. I understand lying as a theory but when it happens to me, it’s almost incomprehensible ;  I empathise. A lot. But not everyone cares as much. So I feel let down and floating by myself sometimes. And that is a very sad feeling.

My circle has involved mostly travellers for so long. Which is great because when I find people, we are so in tune it feels right. But travelers leave. Plus, in the travelling space-and-mind, people easy let go and roll along. But I’m not always able to. If we’ve had a great time, I always want to see more of you. And so there’s the disjuncture.