Save Me From This Road I’m On

I honestly thought I’d be over this by now. It’s been months and I still feel mopey and heavy. Why does the heart do this? Make the strongest of us weak and fumbling bumbling idiots.

I’ve gone through a few phases now. Reckless thoughtless actions; Deep thoughts and inaction; Hurrying to quiet corners to untangle my messy thoughts and pen down; Snuggling in bed and crying; Getting back to the goodstuff with friends.

 

I am thankful that I don’t feel like I’m floundering about anymore. Those weeks were really hard where there was so much emotion I really didn’t know what to do at all. I’ve had some really good times since. The week with the girlfriends from Europe was really good. And that ex-bestfriend has reconnected with me (She recently broke up. I was there for her. It prompted her to apologize for not being there for me when I needed).

Though I feel like I am moving forward, moving on, there are still days that surprise me. Today for example.

I woke up. Laid in bed an extra hour and hugged my bolster (that’s a slim body-length pillow) and missed Rai. I thought about how much I’d like him to be holding me while I hurt. To sink into his manly arms, feeling small and comforted. Except… the reason why I hurt is because I can’t have him here, can’t feel him hold me. But I lay there, thinking how much I just needed that.

So much of time with Rai I’ve thought about how much I wanted to hold him to make him feel better where words won’t do. But this morning I just wanted to be the one being held.

 

Twice in the day I’ve been on the brink of tears. And at lunch I hid in a toilet cubicle for a few minutes to let the tears out. (I might sound like a broken record, but it also bothers me that at 26 I’m finding out I am so weak in handling problems).

While I have had some forks in the road, like being sick in a very visible way in my early 20s (the doctor said it would be forever), I have never been so unable to control my feelings that I have to find a hiding spot to cry in the day. I have been hurt and disappointed by guys too, which always blows, and only in some instances did I cry some, but not like this.

And actually, thinking about it now it can seem quite preposterous how the thing with Rai is the biggest one. I wonder if I am so totally silly to have ever let it mean this much to me? With Rai who isn’t even here.

 

But of course, that is also silly because when the heart is taken, it’s taken. It is not up to anyone else to tell me either that this was silly to fall/feel. But I don’t have to worry about that because any friends that I have told about this ordeal, sympathize and agree that this is particularly difficult yet meaningful. No one has said give up. In fact, it’s on the contrary. Though they see that Rai needs to grieve, they also say it is worth fighting for. As people who know me, they can see that this one really matters to me far more than anything in the past. And they diagnose that he genuinely cares for me too. And everyone agrees there is no easy solution, no simple way to get over the pain, nor any way know how this ends.

These days, I think less of the Rai and me relationship; the specific problem. I am just dealing with the emotions, the giant giant emotions, the way it has left me feeling. I still have this weight on me even though I manage to have some good days and some really fun times. It doesn’t help that sometimes it makes me freak out with identity issues and quarter-life crisis nonsense.

 

OK maybe not as cheesy as who am i, but more like catching myself in something lousy n being like, Wow, is this really me? Who I’ve become? *proceed to frown disapprovingly*

I don’t like being such a downer. That I have less fabulous tales of joy to share than anecdotes of what the pain did to me today. But I have to take care of me right now rather than what other people think.

I am taking a trip this week to a popular backpacker party beach destination for a couple of days with the girls. I don’t really feel like going to be honest as this week is not going down easy. But I shall. If I don’t party, I’ll stare off into the sunset and think. And if I party, I hope I don’t make any messy mistakes with guys.

For all the line-up of guys I had, no one has come through. Unsurprising. Boys have cooties.

Their ridonculousness only reminds me of how old I am and how I really want a mature relationship. All this bar stuff is just an attempt to mask that and get through. Even Ryan Gosling in the aftermath has turned out to be not-so-great. And it reminds me why Rai is such a treasure and how much better that feels.

Sorry, I can’t help it. Ryan makes me feel better ;p

Rai hasn’t been in touch for over a week. I was warned about irregularity, so I am not sending him any messages, but it still hurts to be that far off from his mind/effort.

Well, I suppose it’s time to start getting excited about my trip tomorrow. I do after all feel most alive when I backpack. This is just a few days, but it’ll be good. If you have really been reading all my words, thank you 🙂