It is what it is. You can try to be balanced as possible, try to learn from the wisdom of others, try to understand, but life will always surprise you and you just need to get with it. It’s okay to fumble, okay to be clueless, okay to freak out. It hasn’t been easy to accept that, probably because I got too stuck on definitions. “That’s not me” or “that won’t happen to me”. Sometimes, it does. And when it does, you don’t have to read too much into everything. Sometimes things happen and it doesn’t have a worldly significance.
I’d say my year of madness has come to a close. But I realise there have been several pockets of my life that I considered exceptions from my actual life. Seeing as adversity comes in different forms at different times, I see now that I have to accept all of these adding up to my life. They aren’t exceptions. I was dealing with whatever was in front of me, and that’s all part of the journey. It may seem like ‘getting through this phase’ out the other end, but these are all chapters that tie together, however separate you imagine them to be. Life is made up of phases.
So maybe the madness continues. I don’t know. And no amount of preparation spares you from curveballs and obstacles.
It’s all okay.
Life at 27 is quite different from what I imagined. When I was younger, I was really focused on school, intelligence and achievement. Yes I sometimes envied the cool girls and wished the hot guys would pick me – the social stuff. But it was never the most important thing. I could prioritize what’s really important.
I suppose it irritates me that after 25, I am so focused on boys. When girls were falling apart from teenage heartbreak and failing exams, I could always focus on school/work when I needed to. Now when plagued by a boy problem, its on my mind all day all night. It feels pretty lame.
But I’ve also learnt to accept that about myself. I have my very girly side and girly needs. It’s okay not to be so bulletproof, so rational. Sometimes I get really emotionally shaken and that’s okay. I do want very much to find someone to love and have all those fluffy feelings and that’s okay to desire that.
You see, Wine & Dine Guy shattered something for me in this latest episode. I know many guys are after hot girls. But I always prided myself in being about more than that, and that’s what I want in a man. I’m no model but I’m good-looking enough that if I tried I could fit the profile to attract men that way. But when I look around, I always have more admiration for the boys who are with girls casually in say…checkered-shirt and jeans, rather than those with a stunning lady in a skintight dress. Both invoke a little bit of admiration and envy. But in the end, I want the guy who likes me like that. And I like those girls much much more.
I did feel really really lousy realising that even the semi-geeky guy with great manners, a good brain, considerate and emotionally available, could fall for the charms of a scantily dressed girl and risk everything for that. He was supposed to be smarter than that. If he isnt, then who is? And if he isn’t loyal, what kind of man CAN you trust?
It has taken some effort to realise he doesn’t represent all good men. And it doesn’t mean I am not good enough.
I am incredibly self-aware and I am shaping up to be a good woman. That has always been important to me. That’s why even when I admired the popular kids, I never tried too hard to do as they did because I wanted to be proud of however I developed and that meant I wouldn’t pursue shallow things at the expense of tainting character.
It doesn’t feel good to be outdone by a girl in a skimpy outfit. But I know did right by me.
I don’t change to please one particular person. But I am proud of the changes I HAVE made in my life. There’s room for all kinds of people. Like it’s okay to be quiet and demure. But when I realised I wanted to be heard more, I learnt to speak up. When I realised I wasn’t stuck to dressing simple just to be respected, I expressed my creative side. When I realised I enjoyed socializing and dancing, I stepped into the party scene which I feared before because I didn’t like the pressure to be sexy and boy-crazy. I took small steps my way. That actually helped me blossom so much. I met so many people, learnt about the different kinds of chemistry, and learnt how interesting I could be. I learnt to relax and get out of my head. When I thought I read too much and admired other people’s exciting lives, I got out there and explored. When I couldn’t find friends to travel with, I took a giant leap and went away myself for 6 months. When I was ill, I faced the world and came out tops.
From reserved in fashion, from semi-tomboy, I’ve gone with how I felt and gone artsy, traveller-boheme, girly and womanly.
I know the different sides of me and I have brought them all out and made me. And I never sacrificed self-respect and intelligence. Why should I let one guy, who is admittedly having an identity crisis and making mistakes and weak in the flesh, change how I feel about developing into a well-rounded woman?
The people who have left the best impact on my self-image and confidence are the ones who appreciated that I was not a one-dimensional woman. I am not one of those who tries hard to be all rebellious and counter-culture. Neither am I one who wants to be a magazine girl, frail sweetiepie nor sexy vixen. I have a little bit of several things. And it is important to me to do the right thing and be a good person.
I won’t let him take that from me. I am a wonderful woman.
Maybe the path to finding a good partner is not to easy. But maybe its because I am not so ordinary to fall into the set stereotypes nor too extraordinary that I am on a mountain top for all to see. It does make me sad and lonely that it has to be so hard sometimes. But I know I have my pride. And when someone appreciates me, its for the real me and not some surface version made to impress people. Who are they that they deserve the effort of lying anyway?
There is no sunshiney answer. The journey is hard and sadness has its place in our hearts. But its not all doom and forlorn either. A woman has to build herself how she sees fit. And I am on my way.
Ella | Long Distance Flutters 