Monday Blues

For some reason, I seem to feel the worst in the early hours when I’m getting ready/going to work. Everytime I think I’m getting better at moving on, the mornings suck. Fighting back tears on the crowded morning train is not fun.

I’ve been starting to think it’s so stupid that I put so much faith in this, that I got this affected.

These days, as it nears the date I was to fly out to be with him, I often imagine scenarios of me being there.

Us happy together. All things solved.

Us meeting without expectations, just happy to spend some time together – as friends.

Me being the vibrant independent traveller girl having lots of fun and him admiring me. An opening.

Of playing silly boy-girl games, attempts at invoking jealousy.

Me getting my heart shattered by his carelessness.

Realising the joys were lies.

Tears from the Soul

I feel like shit today. To Gillian on her 37th Birthday was on when I tuned in for my usual morning tv-minutes during breakfast before work, instead of the usual comedy shows. The show deals with a widower and his daughter. Tears escaped from my soul and ran down my cheeks. Somehow Rai’s pain (as a widower) has become mine. I found myself not only sad because of the relationship of the mourners and the parallels it has to my situation, but also a grieving sadness for the loss of a dear one.

I never knew Rai’s late wife. But somehow I feel the loss of her too. That is quite strange, that that can happen. I guess I somehow internalized his pain enough to imagine, to feel, the pain of losing someone dear without warning, and it made me grieve the loss of her too.

That was the main thing that surprised me. The rest of it was obvious, because of the parallels to what he is going through and how it alters our relationship and what it puts me through as I try to help him…

So my happy bubble is not there today. I am kinda sad and heavy. Not as consuming as before, I am out of the quicksand, but it’s a sad smile from deep within me.

Perhaps it is a reminder that all this is real, the depth of the Rai issue that lies still as I try to move on and jazz up my life with new people and events. Those things are on the surface and they are real too. But the Rai thing is much deeper and really moves my soul.

I think the scary part is probably that I know this might very well slowly slip away.  He might become a fondness I keep in the ‘my past’ compartment of my heart. I might become that girl who made him laugh for a couple of months and then life starting moving ahead and he walked on and I became glitter in his wake that he could look back and smile at only when he wanted/remembered.

And that I am less important to him than he is to me. And I am letting him become less and less important because I need to, but I’ll miss just being together.

I try my best to decipher, but it’s really emotions. Strong emotions. The human soul being moved.

I think I’m sad because I know we are letting go.

I’m sad because I look at my life and I really wish someone would stay. Someone real and connected, who will stay.

Sometimes when I connect with someone new, I expect that they will make an effort to stay in touch but not everyone does ;  I always believe people and put weight to their words. I understand lying as a theory but when it happens to me, it’s almost incomprehensible ;  I empathise. A lot. But not everyone cares as much. So I feel let down and floating by myself sometimes. And that is a very sad feeling.

My circle has involved mostly travellers for so long. Which is great because when I find people, we are so in tune it feels right. But travelers leave. Plus, in the travelling space-and-mind, people easy let go and roll along. But I’m not always able to. If we’ve had a great time, I always want to see more of you. And so there’s the disjuncture.