Dirtbags and Restraint

When someone you really care about hurts you, in the period before the conversation to talk it over, you’re left in this precarious position of wondering whether it was just a misunderstanding and it will be over/better in a minute, or whether he was a fucking dirtbag and stir up vile emotions inside you from the betrayal. The kind of disappointment that makes you doubt people in general

It has been a hard year for me. One of the few good things that happened was Wine n Dine Guy who travels here for work. The story and dynamics of our frienlationship is kind of bizarre, almost unconventional, but we made it to a great level between two people. It  became a valued, comfortable, and truly connected friendship. Really. And he just fucked up. 

It really makes me sick to the stomach, fearful that this really good thing will be ruined and therefore become another really bad thing. You know what they say, the higher you go, the harder the fall. If he gets illuminated as a bad guy, if the betrayal stands, if he doesn’t make it right, this will be infinitely more painful.

An asshole being an asshole is not fun but quick to get over. A good guy being an asshole is unexpected and really punches you in the gut and leaves a lingering ache even after the first intense pain is gone. Also, when its just a surface-level new boy, shit happens. But when a friend hurts you, it really goes deep. This feels deep.

The action itself I suppose is not the worst in the universe. But in the context, it just hurts a lot.

As I said, our frienlationship is complex. I do my best to summarise. In essence it’s a relationship backwards:

 

We met. We sparked. There was a niceguy-nicegirl kind of click, with real conversation. We were intimate. Then nightmare struck almost immediately. Turns out, although he is single, he’s been seeing a girl back home so he felt guilty. We had an apology dinner, talked it out in an adult manner, and everything was okay.

 

We dropped the kissy/sexy stuff completely. But then we had the best dates ever, couldn’t get enough of each other and formed a bond. Comfortable, real with depth in connection. It was the smoothest-going, couldnt-be-better start to a wonderful relationship. Everything felt right, but the fact that this girl existed, remained.

It was not for lack of anything between us that we didn’t get together. It was just that she had come in his life first and she was a nice girl. So he went home and we would meet, maybe, when he’s back for more business trips.

When he was back, like the first time he wanted to see me everyday. We really are good together. But I could sense he was establishing more boundaries. I learnt he was now in a relationship with her. Instantly I accepted and there was no more coupley-behaviour though our bond undeniably still stood. We were two people who would have been together if-not-for. I wasn’t waiting, we would do everything right and appropriate. It was respect.

So when I took him on a night out, I was hurt to see him lost in conversation with this girl who was shamelessly flirting with him. She knew he was there with me and did a guilty dodge when I came close. Spotting this, Anger #1.

When I walked away, he didn’t realise he was meant to follow. He resumed talking to this cunning flirty bitch. He practically forgot I was there. Hey man… yes flirting is fun. But the only reason WE don’t do that anymore is because of your girlfriend. Everything else between us was perfect. How can you be receptive to someone else?  I waited nearby, but he didnt notice. Anger #2.

When I walked out the door, suddenly he was by my side. I didn’t make a fuss, we just carried on and things seemed okay.

Then I see on Facebook he exchanged contacts with her. WTF? Why are u exchanging contacts with a girl who was flinging herself at you, a girl you met while you already had a girlfriend? I can almost understand harmless flirting when u have a gf. But to exchange contacts? And there’s the other thing — flirting when u are there with ME. That part is NOT ok, I was right there. Anger #3.

One month later, he is back in town. But he didn’t tell me. I found out on FB that he had met up with this girl twice instead. What the fuck. I flew off the handle. I was furious. I waited for him to tell me that he was in town. But he didn’t. Meanwhile I was raging. Anger #4 x Level 9000000000.

While I was busy respecting the girl before me, you are disrespecting me with a random girl after me? Fuck this bullshit.

I contacted him. Unfortch he’s not in town. So I have to wait a whole week with this fucking rage, because I have to do this face to face. I value our friendship and we have grown through some intense moments to have a really mature, respectful relationship. This is juvenile, inconsiderate fucking bullshit.

I am so looking forward to talking him out with him. This time, it’s not gonna be so polite. This time I’m gonna lay it out straight. I know our connection is not bullshit so 80% sure it will work out okay. But 20% afraid that nice guy will make the fucking asshole decision.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

10 Thoughts from a Healing Heart

As I stagger back and forth in my effort to move on from this guy, from this almost-relationship with loose ends left untied, I struggle with thoughts both positive and negative. To leave it and grow, or stay and fight. These are some of the thoughts I have at this stage.

Thumbing through a book by Deepak Chopra (I would have laughed at this earlier), I recognized quite a few things in there that are both comforting and disconcerting at once. External things commonly have this effect on people that we are no longer in control. And there are regular stages in the aftermath that many go through. I might actually have to buy that book. But at the back of my mind I want to be a sturdy ol’ person who doesn’t need some stranger to tell them how to do things. Who knows life is an individual experience and you just have to go through it.

Here are a few thoughts from my current state:

1. Suddenly being over 25 is a huge fucking deal. 

I feel like I should have everything together. There are some things I should have by now. It’s like adulthood hit me suddenly.

2. Always being mature about choices, made me feel confident and therefore vulnerable to a giant punch in the gut.

Because I was equipped for everything before. Yes I had giddy moments, little pains and dramas, awkward decisions. But I was never unreasonable and jumping both feet in to anything. With every bad experience, I always come out wiser and all is okay. I can keep my chin up.

Easing into this one with all the pragmatism, maturity plus the added benefit of experience, meant that I was truly wide open. The grace and wisdom with which I dealt with everything made me feel I could stomach all. I would be level-headed as always. But instead it meant this hurt so much more. Now that means I have thrown off balance much much harder than all the foolish girls who regularly get into fits of emotion over guys.

I don’t know if that should teach me being prepared means jack shit in life. Or that life will always teach you that you don’t know everything. I don’t know what I should take from it. What I know is that having such an open-ended question is not that fun.

3. I Don’t Know Everything

In fact I feel more and more that I don’t know anything.

4. 20 Somethings in Affluent Societies Often Flounder the Same Way

Maybe this ‘being educated’ thing makes us think we know a lot, or pressures us to behave a certain unmaniacal way. Maybe social media feeds comparisons and freak-outs about what we’re doing with our lives.

But the slew of thought-catalog types lists suggests lots of people go through the same thing. And Facebook feed self-pity.

5. Time Heals

You can distract. You can read. You can really let the emotions take over. You can try replacements.

But whatever you do, you still need time. There is no quick-fix no matter how many people have gone through it before you, no matter how much wisdom you can tap on, whatever your friends say.

6. Uncertainty is a Part of Life

What freaks me out is the extent of it. I don’t quite believe in “fate” and “meant to be” because there are so many options in life that surely every choice changes our path. Things are not pre-determined. Uncertainty is part of the beauty of all that.

But getting used to some level of uncertainty made me feel comfortable enough that this WHAM hit me in the head with the EXTENT of uncertainty that came with it.

Especially when you put your faith in someone else, you surrender a lot to the power of uncertainty. Not that that can stop us from trusting people because life is nothing if you don’t let anyone in. So you know it’s there but you have to keep going until it rears its ugly head.

7. Date Men, Not Boys

Rai is a man. And I wanted in. Before him, I was young and dating boys. After him, it was like rapid dating/flings and it became obvious to me how unattracted I am to boys now.

The problem is, as I lose more of my demure identity, the more I seem to attract the youngish guys (the way I probably desired when I was younger but that never quite happened…). But hey, just because they are plentiful doesn’t mean they are quality.

The Swedish guy I’d spent a week with was absolute quality. He was a man. And that’s the kind of time I’d like to spend with someone. You aren’t busy weighing everything or making trivial attempts to impress. You are comfortable and interested and their mind excites you. Even if affection comes slow, it feels a whole lot better. Okay this last part I knew before. Maybe this is a worth a point on its own…

8. Experiences Have Taught Me to Lighten Up. But Lightening Up is Keeping me from the Good Catches

I was the girl people knew they’d have to take seriously. And though I always had a pleasant cheery disposition, I also come across mature and level-headed, and that means people take me seriously.

Eventually, I decided to take things lightly and treat boys with less seriousness. They don’t always know what they want and many will transit through your life. So I lightened up and fun was okay. In part this is from travelling, but when it comes to boys, largely from them wanting “fun” when you are really interested in who they are as a person.

I learnt to roll with it. And recently, I was accused of “using someone”. Then it hit me, I learnt so much to play by their rules that I can be guilty of being “too light” to them. I could be the bad guy. Being the girl who didn’t expect much and treating them lightly, could actually be a bad thing. If this shows on the outside, I will not find a good catch because I appear too casual.

I have no idea how to deal with this. Did I change too much? Do I go back to being more serious? Does it depend on the person?

9. Mi Casa es Su Casa: Empathy & Internalization

Rai did not hide baggage, or bad past, or bad traits. He didn’t flaunt them as an excuse for anything, but he didn’t hide them when they came up. I’d even said “if you were that kind of guy I wouldn’t be here talking to you.” And he’d said “actually, in my past there are these things.” He elaborated a little but said it’s not stuff he likes to talk about. BUt when we are together , later, he will tell me. I said “oh”.

I hesistated. But I didn’t feel like fleeing. It definitely made a mark but I wasn’t afraid.

I see now that it is because he was real and our connection real, that I wasn’t afraid to run just because he’d had real-life problems and baggage. It happens. In early stages of dating, you evaluate and you can run when you find this out. In late stages, if you find out this secret, it could feel like betrayal and you could run. But at our stage, he was a man I wanted to be with and a bad past, things inside that bother him, wasn’t enough for me to flee. I guess I was already his woman by then.

His problems were mine.

I thought about him being a widower. I wondered what it felt like to lose someone you love without warning. I wondered how one deal’s with problem-surprises this big in life and how you can carry on without losing hope. What do you in the days when the impact is fresh? How do you avoid feeling a victim? How do you socialize without feeling no one gets how you feel? How do you miss having a woman around but you’re unable to touch/desire/care for another woman without reminders of the true partner you’d lost? How does death impact us? How can you be young and not be spoilt by tragedy this big? How much strength must you find? How alone do you feel?

I thought about all of that. Not just feeling bad for him but really thinking about it, as one of life’s things. It was serious. And I stayed to process all of it and feel grief and pain.

I stayed to think he will always have this weight on him and I’d never ever be warranted to belittle it.

I took it on. I was weighed down, I lost a little bit of the sparkly views on life, I thought seriously. And I took him on. It would be a serious life we start together and I wanted in.

I shared a part in his pain and baggage. I internalized his problems, his pain, his life.  And then I was abandoned. That’s why it hurts so much.

10. His pain is NOT bigger than mine

For much of this journey, I have said his problems are bigger than mine and I never wanted to put my problems on him. I am a woman who is hurt by a man and having some troubles in the quest for love. For that beautiful life where everything falls together.

How can I expect him to put my needs first when his core was still fumbly? I was completing a picture, he was just trying to get back in one piece.

However, this has changed. At this point, we are reaching almost a year of this journey, wherein he has left me to ‘wait’ (to put it simplistically) during several gaps. He has chosen to act a certain way. There were some things out of his control. All in all, now this is as much about me as him. I am hurt. My life has been impacted. And his actions have to do with it. I took on those pains he had, and add to it all the shit I’ve been through with/for/because of him. No i am not saying by any means that I feel the full impact of his grief on the same level that he does. But I have a portion of it and my real life problems too, so yeah, I have problems and this hurts and I have a right to feel all that I feel.

We are two adults on an equal plane. Now we see what happens as two individuals making a choice.

She Holds the Key

My first call with Rai in 1.5 months. He still gives me those flutters. Even when I’m mad at him, I come away from each call with a glow that stays with me like a gentle, warm lingering hug. I’m quite distracted by the happiness. A nice change definitely 🙂

The call started with the heavy stuff. I asked some important questions but didn’t delve too deep into everything. I didn’t want this to feel like the worst call ever.

He answered when I asked. He smiled later and said it made him happy that he could talk to me. That something about me made him feel like he could talk. He hadn’t talked in detail to anyone abt this stuff, despite the magnitude. But when I asked, it came easily. And it made him smile. It made me smile too.

We talked somemore to catch up. I listened. I scolded. I comforted.

He is shutting off his mind and dealing recklessly, so I said I know you don’t want to hear it but someone needs to tell you. He smiled the guilty smile of a teenage boy who knows he’s wrong but is a little stubborn abt it anyway. A few nips later he said yes I can already hear your voice in my head. So good, I put a stop sign in there that hopefully will help somehow.

I told him I’d been in bad shape too. He hated hearing about that.

 

Then, throughout he said all the things that melt me, that bond me to him, that make me cry, that make me smile deeply.

He told me the dreams he had about me. Actual dreams.

He told me he thought about me almost every day. (And how bad he felt abt having left me without word for a month)

He called me beautiful.

He wants the world for me.

He told me I’m too good for him. He spoke openly and heartily here about how he sees me with words like sweet and nice and incredible.

He looked in my eyes for the longest time and smiled.

I told him how mad I’d been at him but looking at him made it disappear.

 

I broke out the jokes and we relaxed and it actually felt like we were closer than before and there was something beautiful about that. He talked a lot more openly. We spent 4 hours together. He looked adoringly at me and I looked with love at him. We missed looking at each other.

We laughed. We joked. We jested. Sometimes I saw him biting back the pain when his mind hit something. Sometimes I bit back the tears as I wondered, where?

I don’t know what we’ll be. He is in chaos and wants me to go be amazing and have everything I deserve, which is more than him. He told me not to feel pain when he feels pain.

 

I come out of the call happy and loving. But without gaining hope that we will be together. Which is an odd thing to coexist with the feeling that I am his woman: He held on to thoughts of me, he can only open up with me, he listens to me, he is willing to do things he wouldn’t normally because I want him to (we all know only a woman has the power to do this to a man), he lets me love him. He would turn me away because he is bad for me and he wants only the best for me. He dreams of travelling with me and being in my home.

There is something beautiful and deep about this. But so tenderly fleeting as well, like those plastic sheets that melt into nothingness as you hold them between the warmth of your fingers.

 

I have to keep my paths open here at home but I smile with my heart and my lips and my eyes for this man and I want for him to realise he deserves to be happy.

 

 

The Universe Mocks / Friends with Benefits-ish

I called a close friend to tell her what’s been happening and also what happened last night when I forced myself to go out and have some fun to take my mind of things. At the tale of last night, she was laughing so hard and said “I’m sorry I know it’s sad but it’s also incredibly funny. No one could have planned this. It’s a masterpiece!”

What happened? Here.

Rai hasn’t been in touch. It’s only 4 days but it feels like a very long time. Emotions and state of mind seems to change rapidly these days, with each day feeling so very very long since the first bad news. I am still deliberating what happens from here.

I joined a friend for a night out. Only there was this guy there, a guy I’ve met before who I find very attractive, who was also very interested in what I had to say the night we first met. It was more talk about career and ambition and still he was so engaged. I like starting on that foot rather than sexytalk.

Last night, the group were hanging out drinking outside casually rather than in a club. We ended up spending most of the night side by side with no lack of conversation. He put his arm around me, I had my legs swung over his when we were seated. The signals were all that there that we were getting along, that there was an attraction.

Also I have a tendency to do nice things — I am better at being the caring girl than the bitchy hotstuff girl men seem to like to chase. He said at one point “wow you are really taking care of me tonight”. Could be good, could be not.

“I don’t know if he was telling me to get it off his chest before anything more happened.”

I had a little breakdown at one point on my own and my friend came to talk it through with me and this fella was pulled off to a club in that time. I went to join him later when I felt better. I flirted with him through a little dance.

To be honest, I had every intention of having fun with a guy… if I felt ready when the moment hit. I was quite relieved to find this guy there because he’s actually nice and we genuinely get along. So here’s someone I can have fun with and also spend time in the daylight with. So I was happy to go slow, without pulling out all the sexy cards. We were talking and flirting slow. So this was the upgame now. The sexier moves and the next stage was coming. So there I was dancing, just for him,

He leaned over and said…

He’d kissed a guy earlier in the night.

WTF!

Edit: I’ve cut out the emotional blabbering and leaving you with this shorter version. 

I was incredibly frustrated and sure that the universe was mocking me. Even my attempt to distract myself had flipflopped SO badly. Who coulda seen that coming??  I pushed him away and had a giant breakdown. Easily the worst of my life. It was pretty public too. Sigh.

I didn’t listen to anything else he said. But I apologized the next morning for getting mad + a brief explanation.

Still toying with the idea of a friends-with-benefits proposal. I get the feeling he isn’t very comfortable with what he did that night so there’s a chance but I don’t know how good an idea this is. I liked it because it was going smoothly. Now it’s obviously not. Drop it or drop the idea completely of finding a fella-for-fun?