I called a close friend to tell her what’s been happening and also what happened last night when I forced myself to go out and have some fun to take my mind of things. At the tale of last night, she was laughing so hard and said “I’m sorry I know it’s sad but it’s also incredibly funny. No one could have planned this. It’s a masterpiece!”
What happened? Here.
Rai hasn’t been in touch. It’s only 4 days but it feels like a very long time. Emotions and state of mind seems to change rapidly these days, with each day feeling so very very long since the first bad news. I am still deliberating what happens from here.
I joined a friend for a night out. Only there was this guy there, a guy I’ve met before who I find very attractive, who was also very interested in what I had to say the night we first met. It was more talk about career and ambition and still he was so engaged. I like starting on that foot rather than sexytalk.
Last night, the group were hanging out drinking outside casually rather than in a club. We ended up spending most of the night side by side with no lack of conversation. He put his arm around me, I had my legs swung over his when we were seated. The signals were all that there that we were getting along, that there was an attraction.
Also I have a tendency to do nice things — I am better at being the caring girl than the bitchy hotstuff girl men seem to like to chase. He said at one point “wow you are really taking care of me tonight”. Could be good, could be not.
“I don’t know if he was telling me to get it off his chest before anything more happened.”
I had a little breakdown at one point on my own and my friend came to talk it through with me and this fella was pulled off to a club in that time. I went to join him later when I felt better. I flirted with him through a little dance.
To be honest, I had every intention of having fun with a guy… if I felt ready when the moment hit. I was quite relieved to find this guy there because he’s actually nice and we genuinely get along. So here’s someone I can have fun with and also spend time in the daylight with. So I was happy to go slow, without pulling out all the sexy cards. We were talking and flirting slow. So this was the upgame now. The sexier moves and the next stage was coming. So there I was dancing, just for him,
He leaned over and said…
He’d kissed a guy earlier in the night.
WTF!
Edit: I’ve cut out the emotional blabbering and leaving you with this shorter version.
I was incredibly frustrated and sure that the universe was mocking me. Even my attempt to distract myself had flipflopped SO badly. Who coulda seen that coming?? I pushed him away and had a giant breakdown. Easily the worst of my life. It was pretty public too. Sigh.
I didn’t listen to anything else he said. But I apologized the next morning for getting mad + a brief explanation.
Still toying with the idea of a friends-with-benefits proposal. I get the feeling he isn’t very comfortable with what he did that night so there’s a chance but I don’t know how good an idea this is. I liked it because it was going smoothly. Now it’s obviously not. Drop it or drop the idea completely of finding a fella-for-fun?
Ella | Long Distance Flutters 