Compatibility and Distance

I’ve met a man I really like. We’re super duper compatible. We like enough of the same things and have enough differences, to make us rather interested in each other. I can see how we can learn and improve from each other. We make each other laugh a lot. We had bumps due to boy vs girl typical way of doing things. But the amazing thing is how well we cleared up every misunderstanding. How well it all works, is so amazing to me.

If I don’t see us working out, I won’t stay

Now I’m thinking back to the time my bestie said, ‘girl you are single because unlike the rest of us you know what you want and you know the makings of a good relationship. Its not a bad thing’. I thought she was kinda right. Now I know she was right. When I get lonely, I really really wish I had someone. I suppose when the chase is on I give people (read: idiots) too many chances. But when it comes down to the real thing, if I sense we don’t fit, I can’t stay. I get out quick. Because it feels unnatural. If the attraction + compatibility factor isn’t good, it feels false to stay with someone just for company. It is just impossible for me. I suppose it comes from being someone who values being genuine very very highly.

Having met this handsome fella, it all fits. Now there is a challenge. A big one. But in terms of feeling right, making sense, and seeing a potential future — this is what was missing from many dating attempts of the past. I’ve genuinely liked some guys I didn’t get. But 90%, the guys were just wrong for me. And the reality of that was either thrust upon me, or I simply knew it.

I’m not saying I’m pining all my hopes of the future on this guy. But when you like someone, you see yourselves together and it makes you smile. You’re not thinking about where it ends. You’re not thinking short term or long term. You are thinking I like you and I wanna be with you. That’s all there is to it really. And then you get together and move forward. There is no finite point you are looking toward. You are just moving forward together.

Compatibility & Maturity in Communicating

So him and I, we did AMAZING together. My friend stated dating a girl a week before I met this guy, and he was so smitten. Now he’s telling me about her dramatic tantrums. Already bump in the road. And even tho he has apologized, she’s not accepting. Difficult.

Him and I, we had bumps. Several. What amazes me is how well we dealt with it, from both ends.

For instance, we had those situations where boys and girls are affected by things in totally different ways, and deal with it in different ways. I huffed. He asked me to elaborate and I didn’t. He fell asleep. It annoyed me that he could just fall asleep.

But the next day, he put it aside to kiss me good morning. I was touched. I thought about things in the day and by evening, I’d recognized the wrong on my end and apologized. The Man wants to know WHY. So I said sorry that I got upset, but here’s why. He explained himself. He didn’t make stupid excuses. The valid excuses, I accepted. The rest, we put down to differences and accepted that. We joked, we kissed, we carried on.

In fact, we actually talked about all the instances that made me huff. I didn’t kick up a giant fuss any of those times, but still men prefer to hear whats wrong. If u go cold, they wont keep pressing u. But as a girl, that is what I do. I’m not gonna slap u on the head. I’m gonna go super quiet and u should know I’m mad. I realised thats the difference between mens way and womens way and that just how it is.

We talked about the why and all that, and afterward it was cool. Not that all problems solved. No pacifying. But we dealt with it and moved on.

To me I think all these are very good signs of our compatibility. Of course ideally u dont argue at all. BUt we were sharing a small space. So I think we did pretty great in all.

The fact that I was invited to share that space, his space is a big deal. Even when i offered to vacate so he could have his space again for a bit, he said no and wanted me there. But he isn’t clingy. That’s good.

If I had a checklist, this man scored so well on that list.

• He’s not vain
• He’s not materialistic. But he is ambitious.
• He’s healthy, not on a fad-diet. Into fitness.
• He’s not into the stick thin girls
• He likes big dogs and laughed at tiny purse dogs that girls and young couples seem to like these days. No offence to anyone who likes that. But for me, I don’t want that kind of pet. I always said I’d like a ‘man dog’. Meaning one of those big ones. Tough ones. He said that’s what he liked. And I hugged him because that couldnt have been more perfect an answer if I’d planned one
• He kissed me under the stars
• He didn’t rush the sex
• He laughs a very deep laugh. And sometimes when I make a good joke, he laughs so hard and he looks at me with this lingering full-on eye contact, that I feel so fully loved and appreciated and understood in that moment
• He kissed me good morning even when there was tension in the air
• He pats my bum affectionately 🙂
• He thought of me at his dinner and brought back ice cream for both of us to have together
• We attended a party together. He gave me just the right amount of space to hang with my friends. He talked to people. He always refilled my cup/plate.
• He didn’t MAKE me pay for anything
• When I sprung for a couple’s massage, he was so impressed that a girl was treating him, he leaned over and kissed me
• He says thank you. Anytime it would be nice to hear a thank you, he has said it
• He has a sexy man beard
• He makes me laugh and I make him laugh

So in terms of how good the time we had together, I’m raving about it.

The question of what happens now,

though, is still open. It seems promising but still a little vague. “nice to meet you” as a parting phrase was kinda weird. And he said “maybe” as an answer to, will i see u again? And he didnt want to get skype.

At the same time, he did react like I was crazy for thinking he wouldn’t write me when he went back home to Australia. OF COURSE, he said. And his texts from the airport were all still very cosy/normal after he’d left. And he’ll be back in 3 weeks.

I did also get a chance to say, I don’t want to be anyone’s exotic conquest, and he said of course not. And he said he was on Tinder (where we met) not for sex although that would be a nice benefit to come with meeting a nice girl.

I am a bit nervous I think. I want to play it cool, but I want to ask for what I want. If I act like i dont care, he prob wouldnt develop the rship. Can a girl ask? I know I don’t want to date other pple right now. I can’t really stand the idea of him dating pple back home, although it wouldnt be wrong since we didnt commit to anything.

I would like to commit though. To something. I want to be an us. How do I do that?

Can Someone Explain Why the Fuck People Ask You Out then Disappear?

I don’t fucking get it. Everytime I try to be more careful with believing them, but they always find a way.

This guy asked me out, clearly  specifying he’d love to take me to dinner for a date. We had a proper date and a great time. He said it was the best time he’s had in a long time, asked me to please keep in touch, and he actually did keep in touch himself.

THis is the first guy I’ve actually expressed like, look, if u gonna ask me out pls dont just do it for fun. He was kinda offended that I thought he was that kind of guy. In person, I could see he wasn’t. And we talked honestly abt our views on rships n dating etc. We clearly liked each other and wanted to really know each other.

He was alllll keen. And I liked him and all that. He asked me to take a flight to come visit. His idea. I said no, then warmed up to it. He encouraged me to get days off work etc and come visit. Said he can wait if i cant make it, he’ll be coming back to where I am soon anyway.

I got the days off. Told him. Asked him if he’s still keen. He’s like yeah great. Yes he’s keen. Yes these dates and not those dates.

Now, fuck all.

Why can’t they fucking TELL U what the fuck is up? The last thing  I hear from a guy, who has convinced me not all men are douches and he’s not one and yes loving relationships are ideal, is please take a fucking flight to come visit me cos thats how much I like u that such a gesture would not freak me out, so much so that I’M suggesting this idea. And next thing he ignores me.

I swear sometimes I hate this fucking dating game. The older I get the more shitty experiences I get that surprise me about people. And the less I wanna trust people.

Edit: We have cleared this up. He’s having some serious health issues. So it is okay that he just concentrate on himself, especially as we dont live in the same country and so can’t go out anymore.

Girly Day Fix

I went to bed slightly mad. In the morning I was sad and teary-eyed. Late morning, I refocused on me. Early afternoon, I bought artsncrafts stuff to get excited about. Late afternoon, I felt way better and wasn’t thinking of him too much anymore. I made plans with a friend. In the evening, I had a delicious burger then had my hair done. I enjoyed being fussed over by the hairdressers who don’t often see people with hair like mine. I took a walk. At night, I had a quick debrief with a girl friend. (Guys should learn to stop sending the wrong signals. Men are such idiots. Damn he’s hot. Aww he obviously likes you but..wha..sigh…) We watched a random movie and it was excellent.

Splendid use of my day, wouldn’t you say? Thank heavens I am doing fine. Just a little bummed out and not quite ready to let go of the idea of him visiting… but coming round to the idea of being friends.

There is also, naturally, the funny/stupid feelings also. Like, I am glad I had many more hours to myself without talking to him yesterday. It was good for me to move along. But I am also a bit bothered that now he has a new toy at home, I have been reduced to 10% of usual texting time. Truly feels like I was just a filler when he was super bored.

I thought of this today.

He imagined me to be a pole on an island that he can tie his boat to. He looped the rope around me to keep from wandering into open seas and feeling truly lost and alone. He stayed close, trying to drift a little in the sea but never going far. The comfort of the constant, there only to keep him from losing himself completely into the unknown. Then he starts drifting a little further. And when finally he is ready, he will unrope his boat and go. Just go, with no second thoughts. For I am only a pole, functional. I need nothing. I just was there when he needed an anchor and that’s it, no reason to feel bad for leaving a pole.

Except I am not. And that’s where it got messy.

I am tempted to tell him, no one says “I need you” to a friend. Not unless it’s something like, man I am really falling apart here I need your help man. Not “I need you.” This sentence only applies in boy-girl context. How can that not tug at my heartstrings? He wanted a lovers attention, but didn’t think about where it comes from for a girl to be so loving to you. I am not just here to fix him without any sort of accumulation of feelings. I am glad I told him not to make a fool of me by suggesting it was just friendly as if I was a cuckoo making more of it. I just had to stand up and see if I was going to be appreciated later or tossed when my comforting services  were done with.

The Universe Mocks / Friends with Benefits-ish

I called a close friend to tell her what’s been happening and also what happened last night when I forced myself to go out and have some fun to take my mind of things. At the tale of last night, she was laughing so hard and said “I’m sorry I know it’s sad but it’s also incredibly funny. No one could have planned this. It’s a masterpiece!”

What happened? Here.

Rai hasn’t been in touch. It’s only 4 days but it feels like a very long time. Emotions and state of mind seems to change rapidly these days, with each day feeling so very very long since the first bad news. I am still deliberating what happens from here.

I joined a friend for a night out. Only there was this guy there, a guy I’ve met before who I find very attractive, who was also very interested in what I had to say the night we first met. It was more talk about career and ambition and still he was so engaged. I like starting on that foot rather than sexytalk.

Last night, the group were hanging out drinking outside casually rather than in a club. We ended up spending most of the night side by side with no lack of conversation. He put his arm around me, I had my legs swung over his when we were seated. The signals were all that there that we were getting along, that there was an attraction.

Also I have a tendency to do nice things — I am better at being the caring girl than the bitchy hotstuff girl men seem to like to chase. He said at one point “wow you are really taking care of me tonight”. Could be good, could be not.

“I don’t know if he was telling me to get it off his chest before anything more happened.”

I had a little breakdown at one point on my own and my friend came to talk it through with me and this fella was pulled off to a club in that time. I went to join him later when I felt better. I flirted with him through a little dance.

To be honest, I had every intention of having fun with a guy… if I felt ready when the moment hit. I was quite relieved to find this guy there because he’s actually nice and we genuinely get along. So here’s someone I can have fun with and also spend time in the daylight with. So I was happy to go slow, without pulling out all the sexy cards. We were talking and flirting slow. So this was the upgame now. The sexier moves and the next stage was coming. So there I was dancing, just for him,

He leaned over and said…

He’d kissed a guy earlier in the night.

WTF!

Edit: I’ve cut out the emotional blabbering and leaving you with this shorter version. 

I was incredibly frustrated and sure that the universe was mocking me. Even my attempt to distract myself had flipflopped SO badly. Who coulda seen that coming??  I pushed him away and had a giant breakdown. Easily the worst of my life. It was pretty public too. Sigh.

I didn’t listen to anything else he said. But I apologized the next morning for getting mad + a brief explanation.

Still toying with the idea of a friends-with-benefits proposal. I get the feeling he isn’t very comfortable with what he did that night so there’s a chance but I don’t know how good an idea this is. I liked it because it was going smoothly. Now it’s obviously not. Drop it or drop the idea completely of finding a fella-for-fun?