Girly Day Fix

I went to bed slightly mad. In the morning I was sad and teary-eyed. Late morning, I refocused on me. Early afternoon, I bought artsncrafts stuff to get excited about. Late afternoon, I felt way better and wasn’t thinking of him too much anymore. I made plans with a friend. In the evening, I had a delicious burger then had my hair done. I enjoyed being fussed over by the hairdressers who don’t often see people with hair like mine. I took a walk. At night, I had a quick debrief with a girl friend. (Guys should learn to stop sending the wrong signals. Men are such idiots. Damn he’s hot. Aww he obviously likes you but..wha..sigh…) We watched a random movie and it was excellent.

Splendid use of my day, wouldn’t you say? Thank heavens I am doing fine. Just a little bummed out and not quite ready to let go of the idea of him visiting… but coming round to the idea of being friends.

There is also, naturally, the funny/stupid feelings also. Like, I am glad I had many more hours to myself without talking to him yesterday. It was good for me to move along. But I am also a bit bothered that now he has a new toy at home, I have been reduced to 10% of usual texting time. Truly feels like I was just a filler when he was super bored.

I thought of this today.

He imagined me to be a pole on an island that he can tie his boat to. He looped the rope around me to keep from wandering into open seas and feeling truly lost and alone. He stayed close, trying to drift a little in the sea but never going far. The comfort of the constant, there only to keep him from losing himself completely into the unknown. Then he starts drifting a little further. And when finally he is ready, he will unrope his boat and go. Just go, with no second thoughts. For I am only a pole, functional. I need nothing. I just was there when he needed an anchor and that’s it, no reason to feel bad for leaving a pole.

Except I am not. And that’s where it got messy.

I am tempted to tell him, no one says “I need you” to a friend. Not unless it’s something like, man I am really falling apart here I need your help man. Not “I need you.” This sentence only applies in boy-girl context. How can that not tug at my heartstrings? He wanted a lovers attention, but didn’t think about where it comes from for a girl to be so loving to you. I am not just here to fix him without any sort of accumulation of feelings. I am glad I told him not to make a fool of me by suggesting it was just friendly as if I was a cuckoo making more of it. I just had to stand up and see if I was going to be appreciated later or tossed when my comforting services  were done with.