Pyjama Day

Spent the day watching chick flicks, feeling really down then getting positive then getting down again then doing something else to cheer up. I’m glad I’m ending the night with a better mood.

You see at the start of the week I was talking to a (male) friend about tinder usage. Frankly I think character is character. You can’t suddenly give a person tinder and they become a selfish asshole. They’ve had it in them. Whatever way you meet someone, you are interested in who they are and if/how the two of you might enjoy each other’s company. So if a person decides to treat someone else like they’re disposable, tinder aside, that’s a choice they’ve made and shows bad character. In the end we are still dealing person-to-person. A real human person.

So my friend said to refresh the app and don’t give up and yadayada. So I did. I refreshed my profile too. And I had a lot of positive responses. I have TONS of matches, like 5x as many as my friend does, but not much has come out of it. A small percentage will actually message you, an even smaller number will want to meet up, less than that will show up, lesser still will keep talking, and none of them have been great success stories. So upon the refresh, finding several men step up to message me and make plans, I was impressed. So I felt positive.

I set the mindset — invest less heart, take it less serious, go out with different guys if they ask. THe odds of all of them coming through for you or all of them being fantastic, are slim to none.

So I went from almost giving up, to being really cool about it and having 3 dates lined up for the weekend. Ordinarily I’d feel bad about that. I prefer to pay attention to one guy at a time, or else it feels rude. You’re not really in it to get to know him… But this time I said, let’s get with the times and go with it.

And then I got stood up 2 days in a row. I felt like shit today so I postponed the third.

You see I’d already put in place some precautions based on what I’d learnt. To prevent being stood up. If the guy doesn’t give you his number, and if he doesn’t write you on the DAY you’re supposed to meet, don’t get ready for the date. That way you know he still wants to see u that very day and you can reach him with an actual ringing phone.

Now Guy Friday wrote me everyday of the week. He wanted to meet earlier but I said Friday. And he was writing me right up to Friday. And then 2 hours before meeting, he says he’s still at work. Only an hour AFTER our agreed date time, for which I had make reservations, did he message again to say again, still stuck at work. Given that we had dinner plans, and he didn’t cancel but rather implied we’d meet as soon as he got let off work (which was way way earlier in all the previous days of the week), the idea then was that I’m supposed to wait for him to eat together. Luckily I didn’t. I met a friend and I wasn’t all torn up about it. She was amazed I wasn’t torn up. I was cool until much later he just said I’m finally home, so tired, u can come over for wine but I am exhausted. WOW. Such a great invitation. And sure I want my first date to be in your house.

So I said no. And he presumptuously said see you tomorrow instead.

Now Guy Saturday, I was actually genuinely excited about. Mostly because conversation was very chill and flowed naturally. We weren’t setting up anything fancy. We just got on and naturally wanted to meet up. A casual coffee even, just cos we’re two cool people who obviously get on. I liked a lot about him. It felt easy, and that’s the best. No dramatic wooing. He’s this bearded laidback guy who seemed as interested in me as I was in him, for the same reason — he’s not ken and i’m not barbie. We’re both a bit adventurous, all about the wordplay, have our own passions, not tricky, we’re laidback and not obsessed about flashy things or looking flashy. That’s my kind of guy. He has no asshole vibes, he’s not super charming or super flirty. More genuine kind of guy.

He offered his number. He was attentive. He wrote me on his own accord on Saturday to set up the time to meet. Everything was positive. He was keen. Not only was it the same day, it was 2 hours to the date. He was on his way home, gonna show and come meet me. I got up to get dressed and would zip out to meet him.

So imagine when THIS guy, THIS late, also is a case of me getting stood up. I was so sure HE’d be there.

You see it’s all about having your guard up, and someone convincing you you should let it down. And even though I let my guard down later and later in the game, I still get plucked.

I know it’s not me. (What’s me, is when I give second chances). They choose to behave lousily. But somehow it does get under your skin and take a toll on your confidence. You feel like you aren’t worthy. They’d fight for the hot bitch, but for you? Nah. I’ll show up if I feel like it.

A partner should make you feel like a treasure. And when you like someone you’re all giddy about them too. I’m not saying we’re at that stage. But if people aren’t lovely on the first date, then there’s going to be zero romance in this right?

Dating IS about feelings.

So I was kinda devastated. I feel more and more like the sad single girl. I know I don’t look it. But that sometimes makes it even harder. If I can’t blame bad looks, bad dressing, bad personality, low passion, low social life…. then I just feel like it’s just bad luck. And there’s nothing I can do about it, but keep trying, even though trying is hurting me in too high a quantity.

Let’s just look at the cliches in this one night alone. Cliches I would never imagine applying to me. I was ditched on valentines day. I was a dolled up girl that people checked out when I walked in the restaurant, surrounded by couples, and sat alone at the bar. I ate cake and drank beer. At the end of the night I bought a whole pizza, stuffed my face while crying in the taxi ride home. Today I didn’t want to get out of the house and watched chick flicks and felt sad.

It sounds SO terrible. I’m totally allowed to feel sad, I’m not saying I shouldnt have done those things. But it just is so very awful that I have to know what this feels like and have to go through these motions.

There are 2 follow ups to the date stories though, that are quite important lessons:

I apologized to Guy Friday for a rude text I sent at 1am expressing my anger. Why? I learnt not to be ONLY reactive. You don’t have to wait for the other person to do something before u do it. You do what’s right to you. I figured he wouldnt care at this pt. But I did something wrong and apologized because I felt it was the right thing to do. Right by me.

Second, I texted Guy Saturday. I had a good feeling about him. Genuinely. And what I learnt is, when guys do something wrong, sometimes they freak out and just pull themselves out of the picture. The absence of sorry is not always because they’re so extremely mean. But they are ashamed and know they’ve fucked up. They just go.

Now the feeling I got from him is he’s not the kind of asshole to do something like this caually. He messed up and freaked out. I wanted to give him the chance to make up for it, to say look if it was a genuine mistake, I’ll LET YOU make it up to me. I’ve not sworn you’re my enemy and plottnig your murder.

I had to say my piece, even if he didn’t bite. It would make him an asshole. But I just wanted to control my side of the court.

Turns out I was right. He knew he’d fucked up. He couldn’t imagine being good company feeling like a complete dick. See in my mind a normal person would do their best to show they’re sorry. BUt I’ve learnt guys sometimes work SO differently. They just shut down. They’re not worthy of your company now so they’ll just go.

But that’s not how we work. I’d rather you SHOW UP even if you’re late. Let me give you a hard time but we’ll move past it.

He sent me a long text, rather than the cold nothing that I was getting up to that point. So putting myself out there with a text turned out to be a good idea. I think I was pretty on point in assessing this guy. He was absolutely wrong and childish for dealing witht the situation the way he did — I ain’t impressed. But I do know boys are stupid with these things sometimes. So a second chance I can do. Carefully.

He’s amazed I would give him such a chance. He think it’s better he leave me alone after fucking up. But I told him what I’d rather. I rather replace a horrible memory with a good time, the good time I was counting ont hefirst time and showed up all dressed up for.

So we will meet. Just after work so its more convenient, rather than full effort for me.

And the chat has already gotten back to good.

Being Stood Up

It never happened to me, until trying these dating apps. I guess that goes to show that people don’t think of people on the other side of the app, as normal people worthy of respect. It’s a game. Far more flippant. In my mind, I think people would only go through the effort of putting up a profile if they dont normally come across potential partners – due to the nature of the work, or social circles etc. So this is just a chance to make first contact with someone outside those circles and then go on a regular date.

From what I see, plenty of the men on these apps do not see it the same way. I also hear there are prostitutes on there which makes things tricky for guys as well.

There are also lots of normal men, but playing the ‘cast a net’ game, it seems. They start things up with different women but they can just drop off the face of the earth, or stand you up, because someone else has caught their attention.

It can be crushing for the ego. But most of all, I hate being stood up. Why did u ask me out if you aren’t gonna be there? Is it so fun to go up to a woman, talk to her, get her to be interested in you, ask her out, then disappear?

I will never get the ignoring thing, but I see that many men do that rather than explaining why or at the very least stating that they wont be seeing you again. It annoys me. And it always goes back to feeling like you lack a lot of things. But more than that, I hate being stood up — they don’t mind that you’ve been looking forward to the date, or even that you got all dressed up and are waiting for them. It is terrible terrible sign of character. So I am learning to be less insulted and more grateful to not have had the chance to cosy up and develop feelings for someone who thinks it is okay to be so inconsiderate.

In a related story, I met one guy who seemed to adore me. The date was fun and went on really long because we got on. He did get a little too enthusiastic about making plans though: We went out on Saturday. At the end of Sat he wanted to go out on Sunday ( I couldnt). Then we had dinner on Monday, which is when he was cooking up plans for Saturday AND Sunday, plus he showed me a salsa dance class we could sign up for together because I said I wanted to take one. A bit much. How would I know if I really wanted to see you every week at dance class if we’ve been on 1 date?

Anyway, he went from texting everyday right up to Thursday, then quiet on Fri and Sat. I prompted and he said he’s been swamped at work. But when the time came for that weekend plans we agreed to, I still hadnt heard from him, And nothing since.

So even the guys who like you more than you like them, and actively pursuing you, can drop off in an instant if something external changes. I have no idea what it is, but it’s funny that can happen. When I really really like someone, if we go on a date and it’s great, I don’t really want to date other people. Sometimes, even when I just LIKE a guy, I’m not interested in dating anyone else.

The good thing is, I felt like this guy would make a great friend and not so much a great partner. I didnt feel gd about having to make the friendzone speech to someone so keen — he’d already told his mother and we bumped into his boss so virtually everyone knew abt me. But since he has disappeared without feeling any need to explain himself, he has given me an out. It’s unfortunate we dont get to be friends, but I’ll live with that.

 

Definitely glad I didn’t fall hard for him because then it would be hard dealing with the fact that he sent all the opposite signals then left me hanging.

2 Night Stand

Uhh so… I spent another night with him. So much for my own advice.

Afterward I thought well, I’m gonna gather the guts to ask him if we should go out properly. Next weekend I put on a nice dress, went where we both hang out, and lingered till he showed. Except he showed up with another girl.

Shit.

More Apologies

Last week I reported abt a girl who apologized for icing me out for a comment her bf made to her about being attracted to me. This week I got an apology from the guy who asked me to fly out and visit him then disappeared. In both cases I did nothing wrong. “People are selfish” is a common saying but when it takes surprising forms and catches off guard, it can really hurt and make it hard to figure out how to trust anyone.

It’s like you’re not allowed to be so freaked out that someone lied or deceived or disappeared on you. Because people do stuff like that.

But then… what is the point of talking to people, of getting to know them, of sharing time with them if you’re not supposed to trust anything they say? If it’s all lies, if none of it has weight, then why bother? What’s in a conversation if nothing has truth?

I held back from telling friends about what happened with this guy, for fear they would for sure ask me why I care at all. I was afraid of those speeches – “you should know better, guys lie”, “so he’s an idiot, move on, why do you care”, “shouldn’t have trusted him to begin with, what’s the big deal”…. It’s not the biggest deal in the world. But it still sucks you know…

I don’t like that we have to get used to the fact that people lie often. That when you begin dating someone its not uncommon for them to do something dishonest or lousy. And its not supposed to bother u. The whole idea is to connect so why is it so stupid to want to actually develop a connection?

I have to admit it’s tiring, even though I hate sounding like a sad old lady. But it does suck.

Why do boys chase girls so much when they don’t actually want something to happen?

I was patient with this guy, but couple of nights ago sent the texts to say what I want. That he gave me a big speech about trust, and being an honest guy, and told me never to feel silly for wanting something meaningful, that if a boy makes u feel silly for wanting something meaningful, then he isn’t worth it. I told him he said those things and I took a leap of faith and believed him. But that he’s shown he’s just as full of shit.

I know he genuinely enjoyed our date but maybe something changed when he got home and that’s okay. But he dealt with the dick way so I’m sad that he turned out to be an asshole. I told him all this.

He replied, finally, to say sorry he was jackass. That he was only thinking of himself. And he’s very sorry, he didn’t mean to hurt me.

I feel better already getting a response. But I didnt reply. Not yet at least.

But I still don’t understand this thing. I know its a matter of being selfish. But if u like a girl, u told a girl u like her, then how is it your best interest to then ignore her? How can it be bothersome to talk to someone who just a little while ago you liked so much that u wanted to talk to her and bring her into your world? Sure, things change like if another girl comes into your life or something. But how does that make the previous girl a bother?

I am confident I didnt do anything wrong. He asked me on the date, he made the effort to keep in touch, he told me me how great a time it was for him, and he asked me to visit. Then something changes that has nothing to do with me, and he can’t be bothered to reply. This thing is so perplexing because it seems a pattern with boys. They just drop you if it becomes ‘inconvenient’ or something else (unrelated to you) changes circumstances. Then do I cease to be a person? Do your feelings disappear in an instant, or is it just too difficult to word it that they can shut down the memory of you completely? I don’t know how to do that A person walks into my life, they’re a PERSON.

Maybe thats why its so hard to understand. I never react with this shut down thing.

It’s tiring trying to sieve out liars when everyone is so convincing, or good until they’re not. I’m still waiting for someone to bring more joy into my life without pulling the rug out from under me the moment I trust them.

Can Someone Explain Why the Fuck People Ask You Out then Disappear?

I don’t fucking get it. Everytime I try to be more careful with believing them, but they always find a way.

This guy asked me out, clearly  specifying he’d love to take me to dinner for a date. We had a proper date and a great time. He said it was the best time he’s had in a long time, asked me to please keep in touch, and he actually did keep in touch himself.

THis is the first guy I’ve actually expressed like, look, if u gonna ask me out pls dont just do it for fun. He was kinda offended that I thought he was that kind of guy. In person, I could see he wasn’t. And we talked honestly abt our views on rships n dating etc. We clearly liked each other and wanted to really know each other.

He was alllll keen. And I liked him and all that. He asked me to take a flight to come visit. His idea. I said no, then warmed up to it. He encouraged me to get days off work etc and come visit. Said he can wait if i cant make it, he’ll be coming back to where I am soon anyway.

I got the days off. Told him. Asked him if he’s still keen. He’s like yeah great. Yes he’s keen. Yes these dates and not those dates.

Now, fuck all.

Why can’t they fucking TELL U what the fuck is up? The last thing  I hear from a guy, who has convinced me not all men are douches and he’s not one and yes loving relationships are ideal, is please take a fucking flight to come visit me cos thats how much I like u that such a gesture would not freak me out, so much so that I’M suggesting this idea. And next thing he ignores me.

I swear sometimes I hate this fucking dating game. The older I get the more shitty experiences I get that surprise me about people. And the less I wanna trust people.

Edit: We have cleared this up. He’s having some serious health issues. So it is okay that he just concentrate on himself, especially as we dont live in the same country and so can’t go out anymore.

Tale As Old As Time

Things are good. Good changes at work, been back at creating art, hanging out with (new) friends and just overall carry on normal. I learnt from my parents that when I’m singing and joking at home, it’s an indicator that I’m doing okay. When they miss my humor, somethings up. Interesting!

I haven’t been to the gym or gotten fit as I resolved to. But I will.

I’ve been drawing and coloring. I love having something good to show at the end of it, and when other people can appreciate your work. That’s the fun of art and writing.

I did go on a date with the local guy. It was okay. We stayed out late, talking and it was nice but there were no butterflies nor any immense connection. I realize that normal dating can go this way, so I will see him again.

That was the plan, until he sent these texts which make him sound sticky/clingy/needy. This is a common problem I have experienced with the local guys I have dated. I hate that shit. “Why don’t you text me, you don’t like me?” Sometimes they mean it. Sometimes they just want you to make an outright expression that you like them.

It’s been one date. And we have been texting everyday since. To be honest it’s not that kind of giddy texting where you’re excited and giggly. It’s just texting. So several hours passed in silence and he sent that. Ugh. Please. It’s something girls do really, and even then I try my best not to do that shit. So I extra don’t like it when a guy does it. Plus we’re new to each other. Whyyyy do you feel the need to say this??

I’m not saying I super dislike him. But this is definitely a gigantic turnoff. Now it will require effort to look past it and still have room for attraction.

On the date, he kept saying it was going to be awkward. And I said stop talking about it. You just have to try. When it’s silent, talk. Then we can have a nice time. And I did a lot of that. I smiled, I joked, I went in for the hug hello to warm things up. He didn’t hold my hand, or try to be flirty or romantic or anything. It was just a get-to-know date.

Turns out he liked me and finds me beautiful. You wouldn’t know if you were sat there with us on that date, but shy-at-first is not a bad quality to have so it’s alright.

But keep that in mind, and then note that this week he talked about cuddles. And he signed off with this mushy stuff after saying how come I don’t like him blabla. Gah. One step at a time man.

In other news, Wine & Dine Guy never called back. It’s okay, I’m not waiting. Chapter over. However I did notice someone ELSE in his hometown put a heart on his FB wall. Just a heart. Is he up to no good there too? Hmm.

Things are good though.

Trust Issues

One of the worst impacts from Wine & Dine Guy is the resulting trust issues. I completely trusted him, as a friend, as a genuine nice guy, respectful and unshallow. The multi-level betrayal was so unexpected that it gave me trust issues. And a deep sense of disappointment in people (men).

Trust does seem like its built in air. And if even this guy can fall for shallow tricks and surface appeal… I felt like I’d learnt a hard lesson about how few people valued honesty and how little people cared about it. I have a newfound understanding of people who are guarded, cynical or have trust issues.

You see, I always felt love is an open thing. When you are attracted to someone it should be open, you want to invite them in. I never quite understood people who are defensive and guarded when they like someone. But now I see that these things stay with you and you naturally end up being more careful. These defensive people, they don’t have it all wrong. And you can’t discount their past experiences. You live, you learn. So I learnt not being too trusting is a good idea.  My assumptions of being open being a very good thing, is maybe not something everyone treasures as I once thought. Okay.

Then today happens.

I just joined a dating app and found one guy who seemed quite interesting. Next thing you know, he is riding me, saying its a shame I am so mistrusting. Accusing me of trust issues. All this because I used a nickname isntead of my real name. Okay seriously? Has he never heard of the internet? That is a totally valid way of navigating online spheres. But he got all fierce about it.

So, let’s recap. I just accepted that people are not always that honest, that openness is not a full requirement, that one should be guarded. Then here comes a guy who values honesty and openness almost to a fault.

Why does everything have to be in such extremes?

One (seemingly trustworthy guy) teaches me a hard lesson that people don’t take honesty as seriously as I once believed. Another guy takes even this as a sign of dishonesty/secrecy, SO serious about it. Shit man.

“Makes people wonder what else you are lying about,” he said.

Men. They do love to fuck with your mind don’t they?