Spent the day watching chick flicks, feeling really down then getting positive then getting down again then doing something else to cheer up. I’m glad I’m ending the night with a better mood.
You see at the start of the week I was talking to a (male) friend about tinder usage. Frankly I think character is character. You can’t suddenly give a person tinder and they become a selfish asshole. They’ve had it in them. Whatever way you meet someone, you are interested in who they are and if/how the two of you might enjoy each other’s company. So if a person decides to treat someone else like they’re disposable, tinder aside, that’s a choice they’ve made and shows bad character. In the end we are still dealing person-to-person. A real human person.
So my friend said to refresh the app and don’t give up and yadayada. So I did. I refreshed my profile too. And I had a lot of positive responses. I have TONS of matches, like 5x as many as my friend does, but not much has come out of it. A small percentage will actually message you, an even smaller number will want to meet up, less than that will show up, lesser still will keep talking, and none of them have been great success stories. So upon the refresh, finding several men step up to message me and make plans, I was impressed. So I felt positive.
I set the mindset — invest less heart, take it less serious, go out with different guys if they ask. THe odds of all of them coming through for you or all of them being fantastic, are slim to none.
So I went from almost giving up, to being really cool about it and having 3 dates lined up for the weekend. Ordinarily I’d feel bad about that. I prefer to pay attention to one guy at a time, or else it feels rude. You’re not really in it to get to know him… But this time I said, let’s get with the times and go with it.
And then I got stood up 2 days in a row. I felt like shit today so I postponed the third.
You see I’d already put in place some precautions based on what I’d learnt. To prevent being stood up. If the guy doesn’t give you his number, and if he doesn’t write you on the DAY you’re supposed to meet, don’t get ready for the date. That way you know he still wants to see u that very day and you can reach him with an actual ringing phone.
Now Guy Friday wrote me everyday of the week. He wanted to meet earlier but I said Friday. And he was writing me right up to Friday. And then 2 hours before meeting, he says he’s still at work. Only an hour AFTER our agreed date time, for which I had make reservations, did he message again to say again, still stuck at work. Given that we had dinner plans, and he didn’t cancel but rather implied we’d meet as soon as he got let off work (which was way way earlier in all the previous days of the week), the idea then was that I’m supposed to wait for him to eat together. Luckily I didn’t. I met a friend and I wasn’t all torn up about it. She was amazed I wasn’t torn up. I was cool until much later he just said I’m finally home, so tired, u can come over for wine but I am exhausted. WOW. Such a great invitation. And sure I want my first date to be in your house.
So I said no. And he presumptuously said see you tomorrow instead.
Now Guy Saturday, I was actually genuinely excited about. Mostly because conversation was very chill and flowed naturally. We weren’t setting up anything fancy. We just got on and naturally wanted to meet up. A casual coffee even, just cos we’re two cool people who obviously get on. I liked a lot about him. It felt easy, and that’s the best. No dramatic wooing. He’s this bearded laidback guy who seemed as interested in me as I was in him, for the same reason — he’s not ken and i’m not barbie. We’re both a bit adventurous, all about the wordplay, have our own passions, not tricky, we’re laidback and not obsessed about flashy things or looking flashy. That’s my kind of guy. He has no asshole vibes, he’s not super charming or super flirty. More genuine kind of guy.
He offered his number. He was attentive. He wrote me on his own accord on Saturday to set up the time to meet. Everything was positive. He was keen. Not only was it the same day, it was 2 hours to the date. He was on his way home, gonna show and come meet me. I got up to get dressed and would zip out to meet him.
So imagine when THIS guy, THIS late, also is a case of me getting stood up. I was so sure HE’d be there.
You see it’s all about having your guard up, and someone convincing you you should let it down. And even though I let my guard down later and later in the game, I still get plucked.
I know it’s not me. (What’s me, is when I give second chances). They choose to behave lousily. But somehow it does get under your skin and take a toll on your confidence. You feel like you aren’t worthy. They’d fight for the hot bitch, but for you? Nah. I’ll show up if I feel like it.
A partner should make you feel like a treasure. And when you like someone you’re all giddy about them too. I’m not saying we’re at that stage. But if people aren’t lovely on the first date, then there’s going to be zero romance in this right?
Dating IS about feelings.
So I was kinda devastated. I feel more and more like the sad single girl. I know I don’t look it. But that sometimes makes it even harder. If I can’t blame bad looks, bad dressing, bad personality, low passion, low social life…. then I just feel like it’s just bad luck. And there’s nothing I can do about it, but keep trying, even though trying is hurting me in too high a quantity.
Let’s just look at the cliches in this one night alone. Cliches I would never imagine applying to me. I was ditched on valentines day. I was a dolled up girl that people checked out when I walked in the restaurant, surrounded by couples, and sat alone at the bar. I ate cake and drank beer. At the end of the night I bought a whole pizza, stuffed my face while crying in the taxi ride home. Today I didn’t want to get out of the house and watched chick flicks and felt sad.
It sounds SO terrible. I’m totally allowed to feel sad, I’m not saying I shouldnt have done those things. But it just is so very awful that I have to know what this feels like and have to go through these motions.
There are 2 follow ups to the date stories though, that are quite important lessons:
I apologized to Guy Friday for a rude text I sent at 1am expressing my anger. Why? I learnt not to be ONLY reactive. You don’t have to wait for the other person to do something before u do it. You do what’s right to you. I figured he wouldnt care at this pt. But I did something wrong and apologized because I felt it was the right thing to do. Right by me.
Second, I texted Guy Saturday. I had a good feeling about him. Genuinely. And what I learnt is, when guys do something wrong, sometimes they freak out and just pull themselves out of the picture. The absence of sorry is not always because they’re so extremely mean. But they are ashamed and know they’ve fucked up. They just go.
Now the feeling I got from him is he’s not the kind of asshole to do something like this caually. He messed up and freaked out. I wanted to give him the chance to make up for it, to say look if it was a genuine mistake, I’ll LET YOU make it up to me. I’ve not sworn you’re my enemy and plottnig your murder.
I had to say my piece, even if he didn’t bite. It would make him an asshole. But I just wanted to control my side of the court.
Turns out I was right. He knew he’d fucked up. He couldn’t imagine being good company feeling like a complete dick. See in my mind a normal person would do their best to show they’re sorry. BUt I’ve learnt guys sometimes work SO differently. They just shut down. They’re not worthy of your company now so they’ll just go.
But that’s not how we work. I’d rather you SHOW UP even if you’re late. Let me give you a hard time but we’ll move past it.
He sent me a long text, rather than the cold nothing that I was getting up to that point. So putting myself out there with a text turned out to be a good idea. I think I was pretty on point in assessing this guy. He was absolutely wrong and childish for dealing witht the situation the way he did — I ain’t impressed. But I do know boys are stupid with these things sometimes. So a second chance I can do. Carefully.
He’s amazed I would give him such a chance. He think it’s better he leave me alone after fucking up. But I told him what I’d rather. I rather replace a horrible memory with a good time, the good time I was counting ont hefirst time and showed up all dressed up for.
So we will meet. Just after work so its more convenient, rather than full effort for me.
And the chat has already gotten back to good.