A Crazy Ass Weekend

Thursday night

Texted Vday Guy finally after much radiosilence. A few back and forths. But no invite. And he told me it was his last free-to-roam day as work was getting everyone back to live-in status and he may not be able to go out at all.

So he’d been in the same country and we didn’t even meet. After I spent 3 weeks excited to seem him again. Comprised of 1 week on cloud 9 where I started a fitness routine, and 2 weeks of over-thinking the gaps in communication. And 1 weekend of spending a big chunk of my paycheck on refreshing my wardrobe and buying lingerie to dazzle him when we met up.

Disappointment in the bucketloads. And when I asked him to call me, he didn’t. I was so upset. Clearly I had pinned more hopes on this than I realised. But I can’t help it, I really like this guy AND we’re incredibly compatible. So I call my girlfriend and get it off my chest how bloody awful I feel and how much I don’t look forward to getting back in the field. Bad dates suck.

Friday I am totally in a funk. I am disappointed that when I get emotional, I don’t function too well at work. So much for strong independent woman. My emotions are ruling me. I can’t find anything to do to distract myself. I decide to go out for drinks.

Friday Night The night started out GREAT. Met 2 lovely girls and later my friend joined us, and it was just a great night making new friends. Unfortunately I got targetted by someone who befriended us all, with the plan solely to steal from us. She stole my handbag and my friend’s. She disappeared, but I found her. It became clear she had purposely stolen it. She almost punched me.

Night ended with cops investigation the whole thing and letting her go. I knew once she was gone, so were our bags. Maybe they’d have proof she was guilty. But if she took all my stuff… Still a nightmare.

Penniless, I slept at my friends house.

Saturday afternoon The parents picked me up and the waves of disappointment from them drenched me. It’s hard to show your remorse, while trying to find some positivity in order to fight the anxiety that’s threatening to eat you whole. That was the longest and hardest day ever, not know what the hell to do with your time. Too painful for any distraction to work.

Sunday morning

This weekend is the worst. I went out to have fun to get over the Vday Guy disappoinment and ended up worsening all problems!

Oddly, I feel the need to lean on him. I decide this might be a good risk to take, to appeal to his manly senses to take care of me. Plus the parents are really tough cookies. I need someone to help me feel better and wrap my mind around it. I text. He calls. We talk and I feel better.

I go to church. I pray hard. In the middle of mass, I never usually answer phonecalls but I did this one. A restaurant called to say they’d found my bag dumped next to their bin. Miracle.

Sunday afernoon

I collect my bag and have everything important in it. She’s taken my cash and my ipod. And a credit card which I’ve blocked. All the personal things are fine. But my friend’s bag is still missing. I hunt down dirty alleys but no success. I feel terrible for her but I can’t help much more. I am totally surprised and glad to have my bag back.

Sunday evening. After making reparations with my parents and chilling a bit, I decide to accept Vday Guy’s suggestion we meet up this evening. He has a few hours each day to go out but hasn’t done so far. I told him I wasn’t sure about today but tomorrow is good.

He calls in the evening to ask me again. Nice. I accept and get dressed. This day is feel AMAZING. A total flip. Crazy in itself.

I’m late and he waits patiently.

He looks very happy to see me. We give big hugs and he kisses me on the cheek. I loved that. We have a lovely dinner, talking alot about Friday night and about work. I like that he shares all that with me. He goes much more into details these days and I think people alwaysappreciate the person who is close enough to listen to their boring work stuff. I’m interested tho. And he takes an interest in mine. And we encourage and advice each other.

Soon as we leave the restaurant, he pulls me in for a hug. We go for a tiny walk because his pick-up arrives soon. He has his hands on my waist, we never stop talking, we make jokes, we pass a sports store and he talks about his gymstuff which he is crazy crazy passionate about. We stand around, we joke, we cuddle, we kiss. He makes sure it’s okay in my Asian culture that we are hugging in public. Cute.

His fingers are stroking my back as we talk.

It’s time to go. I declare that we are meeting tomorrow. He’s surprised I would want to make the long journey out to meet him again as he can’t wander far from base. He reminds me its crunch time at work. But he will try and he will update me if he can escape tomorrow. He wants to but he’s serious about work.

Just before we part, we stand and talk with our arms around each other in a full-on eye-gazing sesh.

The big moment

I man up. I say, I have a question. He doesn’t flinch. With his handsome eyes locked on mine, and a tiny smile on his lips, he encourages me to ask. I say,

I feel we’re on to something wonderful here. What do you think?

He smiles. He says, I feel the same. But I am also practical and we live in different countries.

Right answer. And I was expecting that but.

I tell him I’ve been thinking about it. And I bring up the topic of travel. But his ride is honking at him for the 3rd time. He swears at the guy but has to go. He apologizes and said, write me. Write me what you think. And I firmly say, no email. You call me. Or we meet tomorrow.

He says okay. We kiss goodbye with a smile.

He texts later to say he appreciates that I came all the way to meet him. He’s sorry he had to leave at such an important time, but we will pick up the conversation.

It sounds terribly promising. I definitely hope for the best. But in any case, a well-communicated resolve is much easier to stomach than being left hanging.

To recap, HE FEELS THE SAME!

YAY :)))))

Sunday evening

Come home to find some friends hanging out with my brother. We hug and we talk and make plans.

Great end to the weekend. Happy girl right now.

Can Someone Explain Why the Fuck People Ask You Out then Disappear?

I don’t fucking get it. Everytime I try to be more careful with believing them, but they always find a way.

This guy asked me out, clearly  specifying he’d love to take me to dinner for a date. We had a proper date and a great time. He said it was the best time he’s had in a long time, asked me to please keep in touch, and he actually did keep in touch himself.

THis is the first guy I’ve actually expressed like, look, if u gonna ask me out pls dont just do it for fun. He was kinda offended that I thought he was that kind of guy. In person, I could see he wasn’t. And we talked honestly abt our views on rships n dating etc. We clearly liked each other and wanted to really know each other.

He was alllll keen. And I liked him and all that. He asked me to take a flight to come visit. His idea. I said no, then warmed up to it. He encouraged me to get days off work etc and come visit. Said he can wait if i cant make it, he’ll be coming back to where I am soon anyway.

I got the days off. Told him. Asked him if he’s still keen. He’s like yeah great. Yes he’s keen. Yes these dates and not those dates.

Now, fuck all.

Why can’t they fucking TELL U what the fuck is up? The last thing  I hear from a guy, who has convinced me not all men are douches and he’s not one and yes loving relationships are ideal, is please take a fucking flight to come visit me cos thats how much I like u that such a gesture would not freak me out, so much so that I’M suggesting this idea. And next thing he ignores me.

I swear sometimes I hate this fucking dating game. The older I get the more shitty experiences I get that surprise me about people. And the less I wanna trust people.

Edit: We have cleared this up. He’s having some serious health issues. So it is okay that he just concentrate on himself, especially as we dont live in the same country and so can’t go out anymore.

Big Change

Lost my job. Stayed calm, focused on moving ahead very career-climb focused and no-nonsense. Followed through on plans for a weekend getaway. It was an amazing time but fucked up my calm. So, time to vent again. Today is the most nervous I have been since everything changed last week. Oddly enough because of a vacation.

What Happened

Several in my department were made redundant due to a change in strategy coming from the higher ups. I was assured it has nothing to do with my performance. I will be getting good references. That helps I suppose but it was still a shock and hard to stomach that you did well yet get thrown out. Everyone else in the office was also in shock by the news because our team has been consistently turning in good results. In fact we just broke a company record as the best performance ever. We’ve even gotten thank you emails from another department for consistently being their best support. Personally, I have been given more and more responsibilities which I carried out well and got good feedback.  Also, another department has been asking  repeatedly that I be transferred to them which gave me added job security because 2 teams were “fighting” for me. With that much positivity, who expects to lose their job?

What upset me more is that I really like the people and that’s not so easy to find. I spent my early time with the company being withdrawn because I was so upset about Rai stuff. I got out of that funk, made the effort to be social, and colleagues became friends. Close enough that we do lots of things together even outside work. Now I won’t get to see them as much. New office means new politics and that sucks…. These guys were a positive influence and I really liked learning and hanging out with them. Sucks to lose it.

Despite the gloom, my peers and the colleagues who worked with me on projects, all felt for me, sympathized and encouraged me. They definitely eased the blow. Everyone is helping me find new jobs — not just saying it but actually recommending me. It’s great. They helped me to be positive and just focus on what to do next. I dove straight into the next step. I wanted to keep going on the jobhunt but we’d already booked a weekend getaway to an island so I paused to do that.

It was a wonderful time. Time passes slowly and so fully. You feel like you have stayed there forever even though it was only 2 days. I snorkelled and kayaked etc. The group was fun and the place was beautiful. The ride home had a great roadtrip feel and we sang and laughed and it was super fun.

When A Super Good Times Makes You Sad About How Lonely Tomorrow Will Feel

The downside of it hit me though, because of how much fun it was, but the next day I wouldn’t be waking up to a job  and I wouldn’t be seeing these people as often. I was afraid of the stark contrast of loneliness to that very moment of elation, being surrounded by a whole group of friends making me laugh. I know it is stupid to ruin the moment, but I really liked this job and it was the one thing that kept me afloat when I was falling to pieces emotionally last year. So I felt sad.

I also met a guy on the island. Everyone else kinda turned in early but two of us girls stuck it out, tried to meet the other people on the island and party a little. It was a bit of a dud but very late in the day, good conversation sparked with person. It wasn’t about boy-girl really, just glad to be TALKING to someone, meeting someone interesting. That’s the best part of travelling. And parties. Or anything social. So it was good to find someone who had something to say.

All About Chemistry

It was very good conversation. My girlfriend, who is a fairly new friend, said something interesting about that. Based on my stories of boys she said earlier that same day,  “You always ‘have chemistry’ with guys”. She didn’t get what that means. The next day she said, “I saw you with him and how he talked to you and then I understood exactly what you meant about ‘chemistry’.” There it was.

I did think he was attractive but I wasn’t talking to him because of that. So we actually talked about nothing flirty or sexy. Just very interesting topics of all sorts, sharing opinions etc.

At some point attraction crept in. And some point later, I knew he was hooked.

It was very nice because it was gradual. We must have talked at that party for 2 hours. We were the last ones left, along with another couple. He took us all out to end of the jetty and looked out into the ocean under the night sky. We sat there talking for some time too. By then, there were just little touches.
I Forgot What It Felt Like

It has been a long time since I’ve experienced this. To meet someone, have that connection and grow gradually into the next step. It’s obvious you are drawn to each other, there’s something there. It’s not the same as having a spark with a boy at a party and it’s flirty and intentionally boy-girl from the get-go. This was slow. The attraction built. No one rushed it. There was no assumptions or plans to get laid. Instead it grows and you both feel it at the same time.

When they just touch your leg or your shoulder and you are so uber conscious about it. That feeling… oh that feeling…

It’s one of the most incredible things. Which is why, I felt starkly lonely returning home to nothing. I wanted a quick fix solution. To run out somewhere where you can find someone else to just fall into this way, to feel this. But you cannot find this stuff at will. I was tempted to run out and just go to a party and meet boys. But it’s all clubs here and it’s a much much different feel. It’s smutty and fast-forwarded. No romance.

I suppose that’s the word. Romance.

How it Makes Me Feel

It was a beautiful night. Connected, fun, sensual, natural. There was a lot of romance in the whole thing and also lots of laughter. We sat at the end of the jetty, we had our first kiss on the beach and wrapped around each other with long gazes, we laughed and we went to bed.

I woke up in his arms. We’d spent hours and hours awake together until we fell asleep most comfortably. I’ll write in the next post about the rest of the night. But for now this is about how I feel. And it ain’t good.

I am definitely tired of the transient stuff. But I didn’t realise how much I missed feeling this way. The boyfriend feel. To have someone be gentle and sweet. He massaged my foot when I complained of a pain, brushed my hair from my face, stroked my skin and admired all of me, we lay with my leg draped over him and his arm holding me to him. He soothed me when he saw that I was nervous/bothered about something. It’s all the caring things, the gentleness and the deep interest. When they make you feel absolutely beautiful and worthy and adored. He even brought out my wit and humour. I like when you don’t have to just play the surface card, when they stimulate your mind too and bring out all the best aspects of you.

I loved that he didn’t want to let me me sleep. That he wanted all my attention. That he made me laugh too.

At some point I just said I like you and rolled into him to sink in a hug. He pulled me right in and said I like you too.

When I needed to get up and get something, he refused. He got up and did it for me.

I have gotten so used to protecting my heart, expecting guys to leave and these come and go travellers. They have a way of bringing up beautiful feelings but they are so good at managing it the next day, if they need to let you go. I’ve gotten so used to that that I expect so little. I forget what it is to be adored. To be cared for and soothed. To be treated gently and your girly emotions make them soften. Essentially, forgotten how it feels to be treated like a girlfriend.

That’s why I felt super sad and alone coming home. How terrible it is that I’ve gotten used to cold day-afters and fleeting connections. How much I would love to have a partner I can keep, one who makes me feel this way and cares about my happiness in the long run. Who, when I’m with him, makes me feel like the world. And I have license to be loving back. Being able to verbalise I LIKE YOU is a big thing. It shouldn’t be, but it is. And it was really nice to have him reciprocate genuinely.

 

It Ended There, But Made Me Miss Someone Else

Unfortunately there is no fairytale ending for this story. Precisely why I had limits in the bedroom because it matters whether this is long-run or not. It felt beautiful but it could well be just for the night. I was aware that wouldn’t be enough for me. And it was. It is sad of course. But sadder that it’s so hard to find someone and I don’t have someone like that now.

It made me think of how long it has been. How nice it would be. And it made me miss Rene.  I don’t know what it is about Rene, whether I actually believe we’d have a good relationship. But we have a friendship-romance pendulum almost. I was certain we were jsut friends. But sometimes, like this, he’s the one I think about when I think about wanting to be with someone. Maybe it’s because we didn’t get together for distance only, or that he still calls me and we talk about everything, and we laugh but most of all it’s his tenderness. He’s kind of a tough guy but he is so tender sometimes with me.

This island guy has a sleeve tattoo, which reminded me of Rene. They are both a little badass and very different from me. Island guy is English though and so we share more of the same humour and cultural influences and he gets more of my nuances which is why I made him laugh so hard and he said I was very a very funny and witty girl. He’s also a traveller. It’s his lifestyle choices that are wildly different and his opinions fascinating. Rene is young and hasn’t developed as much “life fillings” as this guy. But they have similarities for sure.

He was busy but called because I was sad. We talked for a few hours and it was fun. But at the end when he wanted to hang up I got really sad and it showed. I don’t like to show my vulnerable side like that. But it came out. And I feel safe with him. I love that he is intuitive enough to pick up on my changes. He asked me to tell him why I was sad. But I didn’t because it was hard to say I feel really lonely and it was hard to return from being loved that way and sometimes I really want you to be mine.

I didn’t say it.

Life Wide Open

My focus is a little thrown now, because it is a deep thing, this kind of loneliness. And meeting him on the island, brought back all my carefree, traveller, live-for-now, struggle-is-okay, experience experience experience, love fast, kind of inclinations. That side of me has been quietened because I’m focused on work and adding long-term value to my life. No more short-term stuff. I’m thinking career and money and moving up etc. Now suddenly I remember all the non-monetary things and the fun of working in a bar or meeting shitloads of travellers… Fucked up my direction a bit.

Feeling lonely as a girl doesn’t help now, at this moment where I need to make big-girl independent decisions about my career.

And being reminded of my bohemian side also fucks up my focus, because now the OPTIONS I have for career are so wide open that I don’t know which to go for. It’s scary.

 

Waking Up Merry

The weekend was not so wonderful because after much anticipation, I didn’t get to talk to Rai. Clash of schedules and things. And I had so many exciting things to say to him. Firstly, just look at his face. Secondly, announce our mini anniversary and make a Skype dinner date plan. And third, discuss the flight dates.

I had sent him something that made him smile, which he appreciated after a hard work week. When he said he couldn’t talk to me even over the weekend, I was sorely disappointed and pouty. But nothing I could do about it. I took to some crafts. Planning on doing a little painting. Either something sweet for the two of us, or something that is special to him that he could put up on his wall for all time to come. Just for him. Maybe I will do both, not decided yet.

I thought twice about making these lovey dovey gifts. But as a creative soul, we are most inspired by our heart aren’t we? So it’s natural for me to churn out something like this. And I think he is man enough to enjoy it.

When I woke up this morning, there was a message from him. He was drunk texting. But he doesn’t like smartphones (I find it extra attractive, guys who aren’t on instagram and constantly seeking web-approval. I like it when they don’t really like technology — except that it makes it trickier to get them to Skype me! He only got Skype because of me, this one). So his little drunken self got onto the computer, logged on to email me — which is flattering enough.

But his message was even cuter. He told me that he really liked me. The way I talk. My face. And loved my body. Hahaha. Of course the booty talk is compulsory when drunk, but it was just really cute that he started with the other bit. And coming from a party, that he thought of me. So my morning started off perfect.

I cannot wait to see him. Like a cheesy girl in cheesy romantic movies, I am imagining him by my side in every thing I do. What it would be like when I show him around town, when we lunch together at this spot, when we just walk around and I can admire  him.

Hee… Feeling super girly.

And of all those times with all those boys I wondered this…

…this time, with the most special of them, the answer is yes.